Annoyed, but what else can I do...LONG!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Annoyed, but what else can I do...LONG!!
8
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 1:31pm

Hi...
I really just need to vent, I feel so confused and meaningless right now. I feel like everything is going bad and I am just really frustrated and today I feel down right crappy. I feel bad sounding so negative but I just feel so....I dont even know the words. Here goes...first of all I HATE my job and I make hardly any money doing it so it makes me hate it even more, but thats not a huge biggie I just think that everything combined makes me feel so bad. Here is where I should start. Im still pretty young, 26 but I have two daughters and my bf is 24. We have been together for 4.5 yrs. My problem is that bf has been trying to go to school for the last 3 yrs to play football, and honestly I am getting sick of it. School is 5 hours away and there is NO WAY I can handle a long dist. relationship (we did it for 7 months and it was horrible I could never handle 4 or 5 yrs.). He had to do some upgrading, and totally slacked but now is working on it so that he can hopefully(for him) go to school. For me this sucks. I am so tired of being second to this. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me and who I know will always be here for me. My friends all tell me to give him an ultimatum, but how...so that if we get married in 10 years he resents me...No...So I have been being pretty patient(of course there are days when I say a comment or 4 about it all) but I have been waiting around to see what happens, and supporting his decision. But I AM GETTING SICK AND TIRED OF THIS!!! Sorry - see I really needed to vent because I feel like I am going to EXPLODE today! We talk about getting married, buying a house etc etc...but common if he leaves I will have to start all over again! We moved in with his mom about 4 months ago, to pay stuff off and save for either his going to school or our buying a house. But honestly I dont even have the motivation for that. I seriously think all this not knowing what is going to happen is affecting me really badly. Some days I am so moody to him, or I just dont want to have anything to do with him all because of that. Everything else in our relationship is great. I know I just have to wait a few more months but I could be in a psyc ward by then. 3 years of waiting and not knowing AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! To make matters worse, my 2 best friends just got engaged...and it seems that pretty much everyone else we know is as well, so its all kind of just building up in me, and Im waiting to pretty much snap. To top it all off...if he does leave I am in serious trouble, I mean we are staying with his mom - that wont work anymore...I dont make enough money to get my own place..so then what.

Anyways, I am so sorry to rant so much, but I just feel like I am going absolutely crazy and needed to discuss. Thanks for listening!

Mandy
Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 1:45pm

Two questions?

Go to school to play football? Ok, I'm a stupid American. Are we talking soccer? And is this school a professional school for this sport? And is your BF good enough at this sport to BE a professional? And why has it taken 3 years for him get into school?

Secondly, are these his two children? If they are, I'm going to be blunt. His days of "wanting to be something" are over. His responsibility is now to those children. He MUST, and I repeat, MUST financially care for them whether he is with you or not. If he can accomplish this and go to football school, great for him. If not, then sorry, but football school is out. He should have pursued those goals BEFORE he decided to have children.

This is totally unfair of him to expect you to be on hold for "his dream". Didn't I just write a post to someone here earlier about a similar situation? What's with these men? Guys!!! If you have aspirations, don't have children until you've reached your goals. If you have children, THEY COME FIRST, no questions about it. If you can attain your goal without sacrificing either your wife or children's financial or emotional well-being, then go for it, but if at anytime your dream causes distress for your family you must be man enough to sacrifice your wants and be responsible for those people who rely on you.

I wish I had an answer for you on your dilemma, but until your BF can face the fact that he has other people in his life who need and depend on him, he's going to selfishly continue with this plan. It will all depend on how patient you are.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 1:52pm

Hi again...
Thanks for the reply...the kids in our relationship are mine and my ex's. My bf is really involved but so is my ex - the kids are taken very good care of.

Football not soccer. University football, I know its not as big as in the states thats forsure, but this is his thing that he wants to do. It has taken him three years because he needed to upgrade courses in order to get into university. And TRUST ME...I dont know how he expects to do good in university if he can barely do some upgrading. Im just so tired of it all, I want to be together but I dont know how much more I can handle.

:)

Mandy
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 1:57pm
I have no answers for you.......but sometimes, we have to take different paths, even if the path isn't with the one we love.






my pet!

Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 2:09pm

OK, then basically it's up to you. Do you want to sit and wait for someone who has a wild hair? Or do you want someone who is more settled and able to take on the responsibilities of a family? That's the decision YOU will have to make. Just remember, waiting offers no guarantees. He could go to college, play football, do his thing...and then in 3 or 4 years say "nice knowing you".

I'm kind of in a similar boat with you - though the circumstances are a bit different. My fiance and I are much older (I'm 47, he's 54). We've been dating 3 1/2 years, lived together for a year and a half and found that our children (all teenage boys) weren't about to cooperate. They made life a living hell. So, we are separated again, and he and I sit and wait - for kids to grow up so we can have a life. It sucks, and sometimes I get very angry and frustrated about the whole thing - but I ask myself 'who else would I rather be with?' At least it's not a long distance relationship. That could make things much worse.

You just have to decide if he's worth the wait or if you think you and your children need something and someone more substantial.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 2:18pm

So...by the very end of your post ~ I had to wonder if you're just ready to get married and he's wanting to delay that by at least 4 years and you are not happy about that.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 1:37pm

Hi again...I kinda disapeared for awhile, because I think I was going crazy! Anyways, just thought I would do a little update...Bf is gone to football camp this weekend, still waiting to find out if he is accepted into school. The importance is on football, but he has to go to school to play...I know its stupid but lets get past that part. Anyways, it is just that he wants to play football, he is not postponing us( I know I am horrible at spelling!)...He actually moved 5 hours away from where we used to live(where he will be moving back to if he gets into school) to be with me because I moved back here to be with my family. I am very peeved that he is going but that is besides the point, I am just sick and tired of this. I asked him if this is definately the last year he is trying, because if not I want out. He said yes, last year of trying. He talks about us getting married blah blah, and says how we will be able to make it while he is away - I dont think so, I cant sit around here and wait I am ready to move on but it makes me sick to think of it being with out him. So basically I am going to wait until June/July when he will find out if he got into school or not. If he gets in fine, but I will have to end it I had a hard enough time when we were in a long distance relationship for 6 months when I moved back here until he moved here too, there is NO WAY I could handle 4 years of it, and I am not getting younger and I would like to have more kids.

Basically I just needed to vent a bit because I am so frustrated - and scared to death that he will leave, we have so many plans together for our future and I just cant imagine us not being together its scary.

Mandy
Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 2:05pm

Glad you checked in. Looks like things haven't really improved too much, have they?

There are a lot of things going on here. First and foremost, you and your BF aren't on the same page as far as what you find important in your life. You want to settle down, he has big aspirations. Isn't he 26 years old? IMO, that's a bit old to be going to school to play college ball. By the time he finishes college he'll be 30 and there's not a pro-team on earth that would hire him at that age. So what's the point?

And he's made it clear he's going to college to play football. The emphasis is not on the education to get a good job to support a family. The emphasis is on football. Where does that leave you?

IMO, your BF doesn't feel any responsibility towards you. The kids aren't his, so he doesn't feel he owes you or has to sacrifice anything for you or for them. And in some way, maybe he's right. He hasn't made a commitment to you as far as a marriage goes; he doesn't have anything really holding him back.

You, on the other hand, are looking for a family man. It's not there in college boy. He's made it pretty clear that he's going to follow his dream come hell or high water and if you don't like it, that's just too bad.

You're going to have make a serious decision that you either accept the situation and stand on the sidelines while your BF does his thing, or get out and find someone who is a bit more down to earth. If you stay with him I think you're setting yourself for real hurt and disappointment down the road. I'm not saying he would cheat, but the long-distance relationship coupled with being big football man on campus would not be conducive to maintaining a good commitment under the circumstances.

Even if he doesn't get into school, doesn't it bother you just a little that he has sidelined you for his own wants? If I were you I'd be afraid of what he might dream up next.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 2:22pm
It has definately made me ANGRY(very) that I have come second! It drives me nuts actually. If he doesnt get accepted into school then we will move on together, but if he does I am moving on without him. He believes we can work around it, saying how he would be here for the 4 months while school wasnt on. But honestly I dont want to start all over when I am 30, paying off his student loans etc, I have been there done that and am over with it. He is 24 by the way. I am going to wait to see if he gets accepted though before I do anything because its pretty hard just to say because you are working on a dream you have I am dumping you after 4.5 yrs, that would be pretty hard. And what if he doesnt end up going, I would regret what I did. If he does go I am so worried though, I will have such a hard time ending this. Besides this aspect of our relationship everything is great, and always has been we are really close. If football doesnt pan out then he is ready to commit I have no doubt about that, I am just sick of this dream of his. But he has stood by me through a lot as well, so I figure at least I can wait a few months - if I dont end up in a loonie bin before that!
Mandy