What the heck was I thinking?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
What the heck was I thinking?
4
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 3:13pm

FWB? What is that really? I see many time people post on the subject and most times it is women who assume they have a relationship. I have posted before on what is a relationship? How do you know you are in a relationship? I mean those are key questions. Also, what is dating and what does dating mean to you?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 3:47pm

Good topic....

As you know I have been in a couple of FWB situations. But my rule is that I won't get involed in one if I think that I might like him and grow feelings for him. I had 2 FWB that it was only a late night call for some booty, and I was the one who stopped it with both of them because I really didn't like them that much and they were annoying.

One of my experiences with a FWB was with an x-bf and that emotionally exausting. And then I finally told him enough is enough then he kindof started to stalk me and pop up at my house at 3 am banging on my door and I wouldn't answer it. Glad that ended.

And my final experience with a FWB situation is the trickiest one. See it's with my daughters dad. As you know now we have been broken up for 5yrs but we have still slepted together on and off for the whole 5 yrs. And the last 3 weeks he has tried so hard to get me in bed with him and I absolutley refuse to. I don't have feelings for him because I built a steel bullet proof wall up against him a long time ago. But I am getting annoyed , He sleeps around with other girls and he comes to me when it's convieniet for him and it's gross.

I told him that I don't want to have sex with him and no is no so leave me alone and he still wouldn't leave me alone. And I told him that the thought of being someones sperm bank when their horney is NOT appealing to me. I also said if your that horney then when I leave call one of your other booty calls and leave me alone. I'm done and it's not right. He's kindof backed off a little bit but when I see him he pinches my butt here and there and smakes it hear and there.

She my baby's dad is like your one FWB guy, we hang out , we go places together ( not bars or clubs) , etc. but we are not a couple. We do family activities together etc. But we are not together.

-Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 4:11pm

FWB and my thoughts.


RULES RULES RULES RULES RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


That is the MOST important things. With all my FWB, we made rules. Dating was okay. Sex with someone else was not (unless we ended the FWB). No falling in love. If one party does, you MUST let the other person know, and go from there. Booty calls are okay, as long as you are up front about it. We can hang out, but there are to be no expectations. These rules must be obeyed and followed.


NEVER EVER ASSUME ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!


which means, you talk about it all. YOu talk about if you are exclusive. You talk about if you are in a FWB. You talk about if you have feelings of if the other person looks like they are.


I have been in one FWB where I actually wanted more, and that was cuz we started out as friends, moved to bf/gf, then backed off..........I still wanted more, but was lonely, so I stayed. Bad move, sorta. Since the guy chose to give him a commitment.


Point is, if you TALK about what you want, what you both are, if you are exclusive or not, sexually or not, fwb or not, ALL heartaches could be prevented.


And lastly, if you are true to yourself.........true to what is known, life would be so much simpler. but too many times women (and men too) live off of hope and continue leading a life they would NEVER lead.....for wishful thinking.


my two cetns






my pet!

Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 8:54am

I've never been in a FWB situation. I'm not even sure how such a relationship works. I've always been a one-man woman and has always seemed to find one-woman men. I don't remember talking about expectations about commitment with any of them or setting commitment boundaries. It just happened.

I rarely went out with someone who didn't seem commitment-oriented. How could I tell whether or not a guy was commitment-oriented? I couldn't. I have no idea how or why all of my relationships were committed and long-term. I never seemed to attract players. From high school on I seemed to attract guys who were serious-minded about relationships.

I dated the same boy all through high school. I broke up with him after graduation because I wanted to "explore" life. My exploration included a summer love that I was head over heels for, but there was no sex and we broke up at the end of summer. Then I met the guy I eventually became engaged to and we stayed faithfully engaged for 4 1/2 years. I began to chomp at the bit for marriage, he still wasn't ready. We broke up. Not long after I met my husband (ex-husband) and we were married 17 years. A few years after my divorce I met SO, and we've been together going on 4 years now.

I never squeezed lovers in between relationships. I've met plenty of guys, but have been lucky in that all the ones I had sex with stuck around and maintained a commitment. Maybe I have subconscious boundaries that I'm not aware of. I know that I never did (or would) date men I met in bars. To me, that was a waste of time. I know I would never have sex with a man who I knew was having sex with other women. Maybe I send signals that say commitment or nothing. I know I'm not the most trusting person in the world; maybe I have a sixth sense concerning a person's sincerity and loyalty. All I know is that when I become sexually involved I have to know that that person is dedicated to me and maybe that's the boundary I've set, invisable, but there just the same.

You asked the question about who's at fault when the FWB disappears and leaves you heartbroken. There is no fault if both parties are consensual in what the relationship is. If both parties enjoyed a fly-by, then there's no remorse and no regret. But any woman who believes sex is the way to a man's heart is setting herself up for serious heartache. Sex is not the leash it used to be decades ago because it's far more available these days. If a woman allows herself to be treated as a sex toy, then that's what she'll be. If she doesn't expect more from a man than wham, bam, thank you ma'am, then that's all she'll get. He may be cute, he may be sexy, he may be cool, he may be the hottest thing since Brad Pitt, but if all he wants is sex with you then what have you really got? He's in your bed but no where else in your life. To me, that's too lonely a place to be. How sad for the woman who puts out, yet the man finds other women to take to dinner or out on dates. The first woman has her place - he doesn't want her on his arm, he wants her in bed. If I'm not good enough to be introduced to a guy's family, I ain't good enough to sleep with. Guess I'm selfish. For me it's all or nothing.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 1:55pm

Well, my experiences in the FWB situations are a little different.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?