NO WIN Situation - long - advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
NO WIN Situation - long - advice please
8
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 7:40pm

Hi - I've lurked a little bit and I'm impressed by the insight and common sense of many on this board. So please share your opinions - and there's no need to be gentle.


My "fiance" and I have been together for almost ten years. We've broken up five times. Each time, I was the instigator. The breakups lasted up to four or five months. I wanted him to move out, but he never would. The common theme - I am just not happy with the relationship. He wasn't turning out to be the partner I want to grow old with, he didn't help me with the bills, we didn't share goals (he really didn't have any), he seemed unhappy, he lied to me, and I wasn't impressed sometimes by his influence on my sons (two from ex-husband and one of our own). I didn't hate him - I had love for him in certain ways - but I thought we needed to cut our losses and go our separate ways. Each time, he has hung on and claimed that my actions (that said I still loved him) did not match my words (that said it's over). And eventually, because we share many parts of our lives - living area, children (he is the only father my older sons remember, and we have one son of our own), and history - he convinces me to try again. A couple of times, it wasn't just him - I consulted a card reader who has been useful to me for over ten years, and she advised me to stay with him. Sounds weird, I know, and I'm no big metaphysical person, but she's been right so much (on other topics) that I've come to respect her advice.


During our times broken up, though we were still in the same house, I saw other men. When I stupidly bowed under his pressure to tell him about any others, I told him there had been these others. He has never forgiven me. He considers himself the victim of infidelity. HE also has gone out with other women (I caught him red-handed once) but he claims he never actually had sex with them, and holds this over my head, because I did have sex with the other men. He says he only did it because of what I did. I've even fallen in love with two men, long distance. I've told him this and broken up with him. He never lets me go. And I LET him not let me go, because the boys love him and I hate to break up the family.


He's a good man, a very good man in many ways. And I've treated him well, except for the breakups! I've cosigned for his car, then taken out a home equity loan on my house to fix his car. I've reunited him with long lost friends. I spoil him on his birthday. I am a very affectionate partner to him. I do little things like tell him he's beautiful, which he never tells me, or bring him lunch at work unexpectedly, or bring him a surprise gift. I feel like I've given this man my all, and he is not capable of appreciating it or reciprocating. We are both good people - just not good for each other!


We have no trust between us anymore. We communicate only on superficial levels. He has taken to drinking more and more, and sometimes doesn' t come home from work (okay with me) and doesn't call either (not okay with me) then lies about where he's been (I've come to expect that). I am to the point of really hoping he meets someone else, and leaves. When he goes out drinking, I wish he'd never come home. Dead or alive, just don't come home! I am tired of him blaming me for his unhappiness. He actually thinks I've timed the breakups to hurt him the most. AND he accuses me of sleeping with guys at my work (which I have not), and actually joined a support group for people who've endured infidelity!!! Where's MY support group? It seems to me he enjoys thinking of himself as a victim! He'd rather be a martyr than stand up and leave!


On the other hand, we have these three beautiful sons. We never argue in their earshot. He's become a good dad over the years. The older two are entering their teen years, and they really benefit from their relationship with him. I have a great, close relationship with all of my sons, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 8:05pm

Hello and welcome! Okay you said it and I quote "No need to be gentle". Sweetie I see so many BIG RED FLAGS on your post - I don't know where to begin. For your situation, my favorite line is ya'll are holding on for fear of letting go. Trust me, I've BTDT. I'm sure that the other posters will respond to you. If I was the only one who did, it would take all nite and I don't have that kinda time. So please bear with us and try not to take it too personal. You and yours will defitnitely be in my prayers. Good luck to you and God Bless.

P.S. - sorry if I was too harsh.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 12:11am

Oh no, you weren't too harsh at all. I appreciate straight talk. Thanks for responding. I know my post is huge, but I didn't want to paint an incomplete picture - and I know my situation is a mess. This is the first time I've tried to write it out. I'll try not to

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 9:11am

Hugs, Kira.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 12:05pm

Thank you, Steph ... your words are very encouraging, especially because I often feel it's just hopeless.


We are set up to go to counseling in three weeks. We've been before, though it didn't really help us at the time. Maybe if we both put our all into it, it could help ...


I'm REALLY tempted to go for option #2. He says he's absolutely worn out on this relationship. I guess we are one step away from NOT wanting to salvage it, but since we're going to counseling, I guess we haven't thrown in the towel completely yet. Sometimes it seems that the world would practically end if we gave up. It's comforting to think that we would get over it eventually. I know we would.


Out of the last 10 years, I'd say 2 or 3 were good. The rest has been a turmoil of ups and downs. I've long had the feeling that it's not a matter of IF it will end, but WHEN. You're right, the family stability is good - it's probably the best thing we have going for us. Those boys are our biggest motivator.


Yes, I know exactly what you mean! He is actually turning 34 this month. I'm 35. I do think he is disappointed that he hasn't done more with his life. Now that I think of it, he does dress like a 22-year-old! My teen sons and him share clothes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 12:30pm

2-3 years out of 10 wouldn't be all that encouraging to me either ~ but there is still the fact of having 10 years invested.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 1:18pm

Wow, if nothing else you really need some hugs. What a situation to be in. May I suggest you dump the card read and find a marriage counselor?

First of all, you and your BF need to make a decision and stand by it. Either separate or stay together and work ALL the issues out. You can't keep vascillating back and forth. If you make up your mind to stay, you need to get married. 10 years is too long to keep playing the 'should I stay or should I go' game.

If I can be blunt, you were wrong to have affairs. You have to remember, the marriage may not be legally binding but, irrregardless, the emotional marriage is still there. You had not completely and permanently dissolved your relationship BEFORE becoming involved with other men. Is your BF milking this for all it's worth as a way of gaining sympathy? He quit possibly is. Which is why BOTH of you need counseling - REAL counseling, not card readers and psychics. You need to come to terms with what has happened in your life and be able to move on.

You have to decide whether you want this man or not and stop toying around with the relationship. Either tell him it's over, period, forever, don't come back... (and mean it. Don't just say it and then let him back) or marry him and accept him and make a life with him. The fact that you're 8 months pregnant would be a deciding factor for me. Being the single mother of 4 kids would encourage me to seek out some real help in getting my relationship corrected in a big hurry. Ask yourself this? Is the relationship so bad that you feel you must remove this man from the household and the children? Is it HIM or is it the situation that you want to get away from? If it's him, then he has to go. If it's the situation, that can be changed.

The two of you have numerous issues to deal with - like his drinking. That should stop. His lack of financial support. As a married couple (common law or otherwise) you should have a combined source of money - not just him taking care of a few bills here and there. As for his lack of lack of initiative or plans for the future, that just may be something you have to live with. I have a SO very much like that. He takes each day as it comes, couldn't care less about tomorrow. I've learned to accept that; as he's learned to accept that I'm a bit more anal about things. How much sincere encouragement do you give your BF to improve on himself? Sometimes complaining too much about a person's negative qualities makes those qualities even more prevalent.

JMO, but I think counseling could rescue your relationship and turn it around if the two of you would go and try to use what you learn to make things work. You're not in a good situation to split up, so why not put your energies into improving things. 10 years is a big investment. I think your problems can be overcome but it's going to take more than a card reader to help you make things better.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 3:50pm

Thanks a lot for your response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 6:39pm

Hi, Kira. I do a lot of divorce work and will tell you straight up that 'staying together for the kids' is never the best option. All that accomplishes is teaching the children that fighting and being unhappy is a normal way of life. Do you want your children to have relationships such as you have w/this man?

I don't condone separating and moving on if there's ANY way a relationship can be saved to the satisfaction of both parties. However, counseling only works if both parties are committed to the saving. You say you don't think you can get over the hate the two of you feel, so I'd tell you to first consider the best interests of you and your children.

When we eliminate the negative in our lives, hard as it is, the positive can then flow.

You will know that you've chosen the right path when circumstances are very different for you 6 months from now....and a year from now.......

I wish you and your children the best.

Vicki