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| Fri, 04-01-2005 - 10:51am |
"Bob" and I have been friends for about 7mos. We're getting a house together-separate rooms, and we do EVERYTHING together. Yes, we've slept together several times, and we keep saying we need to stop, but neither of us really want to. We tell eachother everything that's going on in our life, and both of us actually miss eachother if we don't see eachother for more than a day.
Here's the problem. "Bob" thinks of me as his "little sister" and I really don't think he sees our relationship as anything other than a "Friends with Benefits" situation. We go out, and stupid me actually encourages him to meet other women. I think that part of me thinks that he's gonna realize that he's not going to find anyone like me, but it's still torturing me in the process.
So, what's wrong with him, and more importantly, what's wrong with me for allowing myself to be in this situation?
Here's the problem. "Bob" thinks of me as his "little sister" and I really don't think he sees our relationship as anything other than a "Friends with Benefits" situation. We go out, and stupid me actually encourages him to meet other women. I think that part of me thinks that he's gonna realize that he's not going to find anyone like me, but it's still torturing me in the process.
So, what's wrong with him, and more importantly, what's wrong with me for allowing myself to be in this situation?

If you want something more then an occasional roll in the hay then stop having sex with him. Make that number one because the one saying I have heard a lot lately "Why buy the cow if the milk is free" Why should he have to think of you in any other way he is getting what he wants and now you both are about to move in together. How convient, you will see when he is dating someone know when they have sex and be more frustrated but when he comes knocking you will allow him back in because you care about him and you know some where he cares about you.
Ok, scratch that non sense. If you think of him more then tell him and either he feels the same or no. If not then no more sex and continue to be friends. Let him know you can not sleep with him and not have feelings for him. Put your foot down. there is no such think as you can't. If you put your mind to it you can stop sleeping together. Saying you can't is like no matter what happen , he can get married tomorrow but we will continue sleeping together. You know that is not going to happen so, face the fact. If you continue to sleep with him you will continue to wonder what if we were dating and causing yourself hurt because you are not seeking anyone else in hopes he will come around to see how great you. Trust me on this one he won't.
Put it all on the line now, tell him how you feel and if he does not feel the same let him know you understand and want to continue to be friends. But, you are unable to continue sleeping with him because your feelings are to deep.
You set the guidelines by not requiring something more than what you're getting. Most men (I hope) don't sleep with their "little sister", so you definitely aren't that. What you've got is a guy who doesn't have to put much effort into getting what he needs from you. You've not set any requirements to the relationship - and now you plan on moving in with him - platonically? Unless he's gay there's no chance of platonic happening. You've already slept with him and there IS an emotional bond between - just sounds like less that what you'd like it to be.
You really need to find out where you stand with each other BEFORE you move in together. Is he attracted to you? How would he feel about commitment with you? Would he sleep with other women and then sleep with you if they aren't available? If he's interested in you only as a roommate, stay out of each other's bedrooms. Being confused about each other's feelings and intentions and being in such close proximity to each other could be recipe for disaster unless you get everything worked out ahead of time.
Good-Luck. Tammy
Ah man Honey, I don't know what to say. To be blunt this is a disaster waiting to happen. I am not trying to be mean I am trying to be honest. I read your post and literally threw my hands on my head.
Have you gone through some of the other post with regaurds to other woman in FWB situations? If not please take some time out and go through these post. I would suggest going to "Did I say something wrong post" first. Or you can go to find messages about above and type in FWB and see what it pulls up.
See men can sleep with 20 girls and not have feelings for any of them. How are you going to feel when he brings a girl home and has sex with her in the same house ou are living in. I can tell you right now you are not going to like it. Because you already have feelings for him. You can't tell him that he's not allowed to bring girls home , because that is half his house too, and your not his girlfriend. Also you need to talk to him because yes you two can have sex or had sex in the past and live together to split the bills and in his mind and heart you are just a friend or just a roomate and that is it.
If he looked at you in any other way then why haven't he dated you or why aren't you to together as a couple now? I am not trying to be mean but you have to honestly ask yourself these questions.
I have said this before and I will tell you. Most women get involed in a FWB situation cause they think " well he might not want to be in a relationship with me now , but if we sleep together (or in your case live together) then he will edventually grow feelings for me and we will be a happy couple" WRONG.
I did this once before with my xbf and we had separte rooms and we were NOT a couple we thought it was a good idea we would split the bills etc. And that only lasted 5 mnths. He was out dating and I had to listen to him talk to other girls, sometimes he didn't come home at night. And it SUCKED. I thought I would have been ok with it I really did. Until we moved in together and I experienced it and had it right in my face.
I know you two have never been a couple , but you have sleeped together before and obviously you have feelings for him. My 2 cents it's a really bad idea. Someones going to get hurt and that someone is going to be you.
I wish you the best of luck
-MIchelle
I've read both your posts and I'm going to be really blunt...
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!?!
You're hung up on a guy who claims he sees you like a 'little sister" but he's having sex with you.
Also, I'm really confused if it's been a "long time" since you had sex which means you're really not having sex much any more. You've been downgraded from potential girlfriend to FWB and now to just friend.
The only thing wrong with you is that you aren't excepting reality. He doesn't see you as a potential girlfriend and he never will again. He sees you as a good friend, one who will put out once in a while when he gets horny.
Yes, a man and a woman CAN be VERY close friends and not have sex. The trouble is once sex is involved it's hard to get it uninvolved. If you REALLY want to stay close friends with him the worst possible thing you could do is move in with him. Because it WILL lead to sex and it WILL lead to you being more confused and hurt when he doesn't begin falling madly in love with you after that sex.
If you want to stay friends with him. Stay friends, talk, go to dinner, to lunch, hang out with mutual friends. But DO NOT allow yourself to EVER be in a situation with him EVER again where you even MIGHT be tempted to have sex with him. ALL that will lead to is more heartache and mental torture for you.
Thank you to all that posted a reply. Just thought I'd give an update to those who wanted to know the outcome.
A friend laid it all out on the line last night during work at the nightclub where we work-right after a potential girlfriend showed up....just gotta love the friend who's got lousy timing. Needless to say, his reply really hurt, "She's gonna have to deal with it. She's like my sister. End of story." Talk about ruining a person's night.
We did talk today, but before then, I stepped back and took a long, hard look at the total situation. I realized that I don't want to be a girlfriend, or even a long term romantic relationship. The relationship that we do have is more important and I value that too much to loose. I also did the "I don't want to be the only single in the group" panic attack thing. Seeing how he really likes this girl made me stop and think HARD.
I also realized that if I care for him as much as I feel I do, then I want him to be happy, and seeing him today with said girl really brought it all back to reality for me. I would rather be the last friend standing than the first fling out the door.
Who knows, maybe I've just found another way to delude myself, but at least I can live with it...lol.
Again, thanks for the feedback!
Amy