Trouble in Paradise

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Trouble in Paradise
7
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 8:24pm

I really need help. I'm so confused and honestly do not know what to do.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and a half. Our relationship to start off was perfect, however, in our first week together I cheated on him. Yes, that was a huge mistake and I take full responsibility for it. I told him a month later, because I couldn't take the guilt, and to my surprise he wanted to stay and work things through. We fought a lot, argued a lot, as in for a year. He broke up with me for a week, and then we got back together. Then, for the past year and a bit, everything was amazing. Then, just two weeks ago he tells me that he's bored of us and of his life and wants some time away, since he is still angry at the fact that I cheated on him. He wanted a week, so I said ok. Then 4 days later he calls, telling me he misses me and wants to see me. So I agree. Yesterday we had an incredible date, we went to have dinner, saw a movie, then went back to his place for the night. Today, he won't talk to me. At all. He's completely ignoring me. We're back to the begining. I know for a fact that there is not another girl invovled, if you guys thought that might be a possibility.

But, I just don't know what to do? I called he won't answer,I e-mailed he won't respond. Do I just leave? Keep in mind that i really do love this guy, with all of my heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 8:59pm
Sounds like payback to me. Do you really want to spend any more of your time w/a guy who exhibits that behavior?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 11:51pm
if you love this guy, you've gotta understand you owe him BIG TIME! both for cheating on him and then telling him. So if you can't imagine yourself without him, just be on your best behavior and see what he decides. If you don't love him that much - just leave.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 9:56am

I disagree. She doesn't "owe" him anything. It happened their first week together, and they have been together for over two years now!

He decided he wanted to work things through. She did too. There is no "owing" in that. It's always a bad mistake to cheat, but you can't go through life walking on pins and needles around the person you hurt. You only have one life and hopefully you'll only have one marriage, and it needs to be with someone with whom you can be yourself and not with someone who makes you feel like you deserve to be punished for what you did.

Personally, I would not tolerate his behavior. If he can't get over what happened more than two years ago, then he is not the guy for me. I wouldn't do any more "paying."

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 12:59pm
there is truth in what you say, regarding the infidelity having happened two years ago, him deciding to work it out... However, I still think that she - after the cheating - had a lot of amends to make. Cheating is serious stuff, and telling about it in my opinion only exacerbates it by making the other, innocent and unwilling, person to share it. I think: what would it be like if my husband did that to me? Would I take him back? perhaps (i really don't know). But if the answer is yes, i think the cheater has to make a lot of extra effort and make a lot of promises on top of those that are normally made in a nascent relationship. Just apologizing and saying sorry is not enough.
I really don't know their situation, but it may be that she has done little beyond words to make amends, and if I were in his shoes I would probably be in a lot of doubt as to whether I can trust this person. Remember, trust is automatic only until one person betrays; after that, trust has to be earned.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 8:47pm
Hey guys, thanks for replying.
Yeah, I do understand that cheating was wrong and I am very grateful that he stayed. Trust me, for the past year and a half I have been nothing but nice to this guy. I've treated him amazingly well, told him how much I loved him every single day, and he even told me knows I would never ever cheat on him again. We talked today and he said that he doesn't know if I would hinder or help him in the future. He wants to be able to meet new people, not just guys but girls too as friends. The thing is, I am not the kind of person that would ever get in the way of him making new friends. Although he says he knows this, he still says he'll feel guilty meeting people if he knew that I was there. Now he's stuck on the fence, appereantly part of him loves me to pieces and wants to marry me, the other hates what I've done. I hate what I've done, but the past is the past. Shouldn't people be able to forgive? It was a terrible mistake, I do not even talk to the guy that was invovled anymore, I haven't seen him since then, I cut off all contact with him. Still, I hate being stuck in this situation. I love him and want him to be with me, yet at the same time, I want him to be happy, since his happines is very important to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 11:21pm
Hello,
well, you are absolutely right that at some point bygones should be bygones! If the two decide they are moving on, they should put the past behind (I now know more about your situation, so I've changed the tone). Have you thought about taking a "thinking break" - two weeks, where you dont' see eacho other, don't talk on the phone and just reflect on what you need of each other. It'll give both of you an opportunity to reflect in peace and privacy. Or couples counseling? It sounds like you need some sort of breakthrough in your relationship, that you are stuck in some place that works for neither of you. What you have now is not working, so stop it and do something different. Hugs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 11:26am

Whoa.... sounds like to me, that this guy is still punishing you for something that happened 2 years ago and it happened only one week into your relationship.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?