I dont know what to think

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
I dont know what to think
4
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 7:04pm
Please help me here. I am a divorced mom of 3 kids. I have been in a relationship with a man for almost 2 years now. He has never been married and has no children. He lived with a woman for about 10 years who cheated on him and left him. He still lives in the house that they own together(she no longer lives there) and is going to be selling the house to her in the next few months. Last summer,he cheated on me with a younger girl (she was 22,we are both 33) one week after our 1 year anniversary. I found out(long story how) he pleaded with me to forgive him and that it was a mistake. He said that things were getting serious and that he got scared and felt smothered by me but realized that he cares for me very much. He did stop seeing this girl. That was about 8 months ago. I have had such a hard time trusting him and believing anything he says since. He has never been able to tell me he loves me. He said that he was so hurt by the ex that love is such a hard word for him to say. This past Valentines day he gave me a beautiful card that said he loved me. He said that is really how he feels but still has a hard time saying the words. He has also said that he is not sure where our relationship is going to go since I cannot have any more children and he may want some one day. He has known since day one of getting involved with me that I can not have any more children. He is wonderful with my kids. He lives about 40 mins away from me and stays at my house usually from Thursay until Sunday morning. He likes to stay home on Sundays and have time to himself.
I guess my big question is what should I do about this. I from time to time still think he may be fooling around(even though he is with me every weekend). What he did caused alot of doubt and mistrust.But since then I really have not seen him doing anything that has given me suspision. I have been thinking that this relationship of ours is just a rebound for him from the long relationship he was in and hurt so bad. However-he drives 40 mins to be with me,does all sorts of things around my house for me,cooks for me, takes care of my kids and is really good to them. Any time he is not with me,Im thinking that he is out cheating. This has caused many fights between us-because I constantly question him as to where he is when he is not here...I love this man-but dont want to waste my time if he is using me...I need some advice..
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 8:31pm

kerrim2004,
Without trust, what do you have? Rebuilding trust takes total forgiveness. Personally, I can't tell you how to go about that b/c I was cheated on before, too ... and I didn't wait around to find out how to accomplish that.

Anyway, it does sound like your relationship has several strikes ... in addition to the cheating ... he's not recovered from his past relationship, carrying on the pain instead of fully letting go and not being able to say "I love you" after 2 years ... you have incompatibility as far as children are concerned ... though it doesn't sound like he's "using" you ... it sounds like you both have a lot of work to do on yourselves ... for you to be able to forgive and trust him like you want to ... and for him to be able to let go of his past hurts so that he can commit to you. My advice would be to sit down and see if you're both really getting what you want out of this relationship and where you want it to go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 9:40pm
Thanks for your input..I know I have a hard time getting over this. But he has really made an effort to try to prove himself to me... I just have a hard time trusting in his feelings for me(this is not a new problem for me- I came into this relationship with alot of self-doubt). I try to look at the whole picture and realize that men think totally different than women do.. He sees the card he gave me as his way of telling me he loves me without being able to say the words...And his actions lately show that he does-he drives quite a way to be with me,and just about spends all his free time with me and my kids(which gets quite hectic at times). I have told him to leave on more than one occasion and he said he wants to be with me. I just have a hard time believing it. I guess its part of my insecurity that I have had a long time. I have done some foolish things too(broke into his email,cell phone,searched his car) and he has forgiven me..I know that was wrong too..We have been through some issues in our relationship and still want to be with each other despite knowing the issues we have come into this with and some of the issues we have created..I just dont want to be wasting my time if he is pulling the wool over my eyes..I wanted people to give me some advice seeing this from an outsiders point of view instead of me being blinded by my feelings..Thanks...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 12:58pm

My first thought would be to try couples counseling. Or maybe even individual counseling for both you AND him.


My second thought is that no amount of hurt, is an excuse to make your new SO pay for you past. I have been cheated on, divorced twice, by the age of 27. I was scared to love again, scared to even get involved. But I got beyond that. I feel that saying you've been hurt is a valid excuse, but not one to be used for 2 years.


My third thought was that he can't even say ILY. That would bother me to no end. No matter WHAT his actions say, I would NEED to hear the words. The question being, do YOU need to hear them?


My fourth though, BIG RED FLAGS that you two aren't compatible on the kid issue. If he wants them and you can't have them, and he's not willing to adopt or accept your own as his own, then you both need to walk, cuz it's a divorce waiting to happen.


To save this r'ship, you need to learn to FORGIVE and TRUST him. You need to be more secure about the r'ship. HE needs to be more open with you emotionally. Yes, he's been hurt, who the hell HASN'T been hurt? He's taking out all his pain on you, that's not fair. I can't say if you're a rebound to him, but in all honesty, I think this r'ship can work, if you two agree on kids, and both of you address your personal issues regarding love/r'ships NOW!


Hugs and good luck.




my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 3:52pm

I think you need to seriously evaluate your relationship and be honest with yourself.

He cheated on you and destroyed your trust in him. That is NOT your fault. What you must ask yourself is if you are truly willing to forgive him for the cheating. If the answer is yes, then you need to seek counseling for yourself or as a couple, or find some way to put his infidelity behind you. The constant fighting over his cheating, and you constantly wondering if he's cheating when he's not with you, will tear you and your relationship apart. Personally I know I could never forgive or forget if my husband (or SO before I was married) ever cheated on me. Cheating is a deal breaker for me. However many couples are able to overcome infidelity to have happy, fulfilling relationships. It takes a lot of work to rebuild trust, deal with the issues, and move on, and both parties must be willing to do this. Your BF will have to realize that he destroyed your trust and now he must rebuild it, and that it takes a long time.

It also sounds like he has been hurt himself in the past. While I think he's slowly healing, it can be frustrating waiting for him to recover and realize you are not going to treat him like his ex treated him. You alone can decide if you ae willing to wait for him to heal from his painful past. Until he heals, he will not be 100% emotionally available to you. Just like you are not 100% emotionally available to him while trying to come to terms with his being unfaithful to you.

What truly concerns me is that he might want kids someday and you are unable to have any more children. This could turn out to be a major conflict for you as a couple. When we marry, ideally our mate should be on the same life path and have the same goals as we do. A marriage cannot last if the parties are heading in totally different directions. When my husband and I were planning our wedding, we were required to go to premarital counseling at the church. We took a compatability survey which asked many questions about our feelings toward having children some day. The point was to make sure we both were headed toward the same goal - that I wasn't interested in having 4 kids while he wanted none at all! Talk with your BF...does he want his own biological children or would adopting a child you two could raise together be OK with him? If he wants his own biological children, and you are unable to have kids, then you are not heading in the same direction.

The bottom line is you need to take care of yourself as a divorced mom of three kids who depend on you. Being honest with yourself about the state of your relationship is a start. If you find you might be better off moving on and finding someone you are more compatible with, it's better to do so sooner rather than later. You are still young and will find someone else if you decide to move on. I wish you the best!