Should I be defensive or let it go?
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Should I be defensive or let it go?
| Sun, 04-03-2005 - 9:25pm |
I'm a little confused as to how deal with a dicussion I had with my BF the other day and I guess I'm looking for an outside opinion. My BF has a bad tendency to casually talk about past relationships when we are together. He doesn't get in to intimate things about them but it's enough to bother me because it's as if we cannot talk without one of them popping up in the conversation. I've tried numerous ways to make him stop and he will for a while then it starts again. We finally got to have some alone time the other night and things were great until he mentioned an ex. All I said was " please, no, let's not talk about her", and he went off on me. I was so upset I didn't know what to do. He told me that I didn't need to tell him what he could talk about, he didn't judge people, he wasn't going to be judged, he never has told me not to talk about any one I've dated and that if I was going to start that, I could leave and he would not look back. I was in total shock and hurt beyond belief. I really care for this guy but I felt as if he was out of line and all I could do was just look at him and told him to calm down but then I let it go and didn't say anything else in my defense for fear of what I don't know. He then literally turned off all emotion to me, but I was still in shock and couldn't make myself leave. After a few minutes had passed,he reached for me and kissed me, as if to tell me, it's okay, but I'm not okay, I'm still upset and I don't know what to do. I don't know why he has to mention these people and I know that these people are not a threat to our relationship but I can't help but be upset over this. Please tell me if I was out of line by asking him to stop but as I see it, if he is with me, he's with me and not them, so why bring them into our relationship. I shouldn't have to be afraid of having an opinion. Communiation strengthens every relationship but when we try to talk about things, it seems as if he always puts up his defenses and I'm the one who gets hurt. Any advice as to how I need to approach this?

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I'm not sure what to say. He will live his life according to his own values, unless he truly feels that you are so important in his life that he'll curb it. It seems that it's you or him being able to talk about his ex's.
I'm on your side, I don't need to hear about them constantly. When I first met my bf, he talked about his ex's non-stop. It didn't bother me, cuz we were only friends. Once we started dating, I asked him to stop please, as I knew more about them, than I did him. He did. But he went to the extreme of never ever talking about them. I later had to tell him I'm okay with it, but just needed him to lay off of it a bit, and not to hear about them all the time.
Mine was to the point if we saw something, he'd be like, "oh, X liked that" or "I liked X wiht that" or X this or X that. It bugged the heck outta me. I seriously knew more about his X's than himself. I knew what they liked, didn't like, etc. SCARY!!!!
In your own situation. I'd have to say......he may be a great guy, may be someone you can see yourself with, but in my humble opinion, he's got one huge flaw that you can't live with...and that he's obviously not willing to fix, for you, or himself. And therefore, you have two choices. Leave and find someone who doesn't talk about their X's all the time, or accept that he does it.
For myself, I"d have a really hard time letting go, however, he basically gave you an ultimatum, accept him as is, and allow him to talk about his X's as he wants, or walk. I'd have to walk, cuz I couldn't accept it, and I'd get more and more insecure as time went on to the point of blowing up and leaving.
That's me. But it's time to ask yourself. can you accept this as is? Cuz if you can't, he's willing to walk, are you?
Whether or not he feels he has the "right" to talk about these ex's, the fact that it bothers you should be enough for him to put the brakes on it. You were not out of line at all. Maybe he likes to live in the past, but it's not right for you to have to hear about it all the time.
Maybe pick a time when he isn't talking about an ex, then casually bring up the subject and tell him that it bothers you and that you're not being judgemental but that you just aren't interested in hearing about other women he's been with. If it continues to make him angry that you don't want him to do that, then there's a more deep seated problem going on and you'll have to explore harder to find out what it is.
Hi there...and oh gawd, do I feel your pain.
Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?
Well first let me say I think the way he handled himself about the whole thing was REALLY inappropriate. There's no reason for him to yell at you or feel judged about it.
Having said that I just thought I'd try to give you some insight as to how he MIGHT feel. You see I talk about my ex's, my family even mentions my exs in front of my fiance, but he never really discusses his past relationships with me.
I personally see my exs as a part of my past. Experiences I have learned from and have allowed me to grow as a person and become the woman he is going to marry. I've asked him if it bothers him and he says, "No not really. I just tune it out." Which to me means it must bother him a little. Since he said that I am TRYING to curb bringing them up, but it's a process. It's not something I can just stop doing immediately. I'm used to talking and being myself and not censoring myself much and in a way it bothers me to think I can't do that with him.
To a point it even bothers me that he chooses to shield me from his past or his past from me, depending on how you look at it. I'd like to know how he got to the place he is in his life and his past relationships are part of that.
But just as he has learned to accept and respect the fact that I do mention my exs I have accepted and respect the fact that he doesn't wish to. And as far as me talking about my exs, well, I'm trying to keep it to a minimum at least, becaue I love him dearly and I can't stand the thought of him thinking for even one second that he wasn't my first choice or anything else that might bother him.
Men are so bad at expressing themselves. It may be that the reason he got so upset the other night is because he HAS been trying to not bring up an ex but to him she's just a part of his past, harmless and mundane, and it's just hard for him to even notice that he's brought one up. He might have simply been frustrated at having his "failing" pointed out to him yet again.
I know whenever I say anything to my boyfriend that's critical he truly feels like he's failed me in some way and that I no longer see him as perfect. Try to understand, when you're lucky enough to have found a man who truly adores you he tries his very best to please you and make you happy. He wants you to always see him as perfect and strong and your knight in shining armor. When you criticize him it kind of makes him feel like he's failed you. He's put himself on a pedastal for you and it's a long fall.
That doesn't mean you shouldn't pursue this or that you shouldn't ALWAYS let him know how you feel. Just try to keep in mind when you do, that he probably really is trying and that he really does want to please you and make you happy. Be gentle with his delicate male ego. He'll appreciate it and hopefully with time he'll start to realize he doesn't need to be perfect he just needs to keep loving you and keep trying.
I've been with my fiance for a little over a year now. It's still a work in progress. He still looks wounded and gets frustrated over certain things, but we're getting there. Just remember never let things that matter to you go unsaid, that will only lead to resentment and hurt the relationship. It might be hard to deal with his hurt and his frustration, but that beats the daylights out of what happens if you let it fester because you didn't say anything.
nick,
since you're on the other side of "talking about the ex's" I was wondering if I could ask you a question...
why do you feel the need to talk about the x's? I mean, i do understand they are your past, and you may mention them here and there, but what is the piont of mentioning the X....especially if it's little things like, "oh, the X liked the food at this restaurant" or "the X loved this beach". things like that. Or what do you say?
I ask, only cuz when my bf used to talk about his X's, it'd be like this....we're walking in the mall, we see Bebe. He'd be like, "oh, I love when women wear bebe, my x's always did" or we'd walk past another name brand store and he'd say, "x would wear that stuff all the time" or "i'd buy x stuff from there a lot'. to me, that had NO PART of any conversation and made no sense to say it. granted we were friends, so i never said anything.
He'd talk about how his X and him would travel around the world, do neat things, etc, etc, etc. I know he wans't comparing me, never felt that way, however, I got to know more about HER than him.
Hence, I was curious, what types of things do you say, and why do you feel you need to say it?
As I said, I know the past is part of us, but it's not like I have to talk about my past bf's to my current guy. I don't compare, and I wouldn't even mention that an X liked this restaurant or whatevers. Now I MIGHT say that I went to XYZ place, and if he asks with whom, I'll tell him the X. I usually wont' even say, "i went to XYZ with X". I don't see the point. They all know I've been with other men, why remind them.
But that's me.....and well, if the OP is like me, I can see why thigns are getting old.
That would drive me crazy. Maybe it's more of a bad habit than a deliberate action. They get so used to everything the ex did they can't move forward and forget, so they talk about it out of habit.
Still, I wouldn't like to hear all the little details. It would make me feel like he wasn't over her and maybe he needed more time to recover from the break up.
I feel your pain. I have been with men, my husband included, who always found it necessary to talk about their ex-GFs. Initially when you start a relationship, I think some discussion about your past is necessary including sexual health concerns, maybe things your past partners have done that won't be tolerated, that sort of thing. However, the past is the past, and for the most part, should be left there. What could you possibly gain by telling your partner intimate details about your relationship with another person? Even if you are secure in your relationship, continuing to bring up past relationships is hurtful to the other person.
To their credit, most of my SOs (my husband included) have stopped talking about their past when I asked them to stop (even if they were a little upset that I asked)! A few of them I had to ask several times or give them a taste of their own medicine for them to realize how strongly I felt about the issue. Only one man refused...he not only talked about his ex-GFs, but allowed them to constantly call our home! Needless to say it destroyed our relationship. I honestly think if a man truly cares about you, he would not want to do something that was hurting you.
That said, there are other people who honestly don't have a problem with hearing about their current partner's past. My ex who had his ex-GFs call our house was one such person. He constantly asked me for intimate details about my past that I felt uncomfortable discussing with him and would not want to hear from him. He said it was a way of connecting with me and that by getting a feel for past competition he could try to satisfy me more fully. Maybe that was true for him, but it wouldn't work that way for me!
So you have to find out if your BF is willing to take your feelings into consideration and stop his chatter about his past, or if he just feels extremely differently about the subject. Then you must decide if you can live with his decision.
(((HUGS))) and good luck!
Well, first it's never been a "the ex did this... "or the ex wore that..." sort of thing to me. Honestly, if a guy was doing that to me I'd dump him because well it's pretty clear he isn't over the ex, he's looking for a clone to replace her at that stage.
When I discuss my exs it's usually in terms of what I've learned about myself through those relationships or it's just casual, off-hand stuff about things we might have done. To me it's no different then saying, "Oh yeah, I went there once with Tiffany. The food was really good." Why should it matter whether it was Tiffany that I went with or an ex? The comment is equally benign as long as the person hearing it is secure in the relationship.
As far as comparing to exs, of course I do, and so does most everyone else. It's perfectly normal. How else are you supposed to avoid repeating the same mistakes? Human beings measure and classify things to help keep the informtaion in their brains straight. Ignoring data from past experience for fear of "comparing" the current guy to an ex is 1) futile and 2) an act of insanity. Pretending your past isn't your past and not allowing yourself to learn from it is a sure way to keep making the same mistakes.
As far as need. It isn't a need. It's just conversation. Unless your talking about obsessively telling a new SO about everything you loved about your ex all the time. Then that's called not being over the ex.
A good example of converstaion would be me saying to my fiance, "Yeah, I tried rock climbing a couple of times. It was fun. I don't do it any more because Wyatt never got a chance to teach me how to rig a climb."
It's no big deal. It's just relating an experience I had. Do I NEED to mention it? No. But why shouldn't I? The only reason not to is becasue it might make my insecure partner jealous or more insecure, and let's face it that's his issue eot deal with not mine. The comment itself is no different then if I said, "Yeah, I used to go hiking all the time in college with Amy." It's just a past event in my life.
Right now I'm about six years removed from my realtionship with Wyatt and ten years removed from college. College times come up somewhat less often then Wyatt times, and Wyatt times come up less often then times with my last abusive ex and the times I've spent single and dating in the last two years come up more often then anything else. The further removed you are from the experience the less often those experiences will come to mind and come up in conversation, as new experiences gradually burry the ones fromt he past fewre of those old memories are retained for easy access in the brain.
In other words, if you don't want to hear about the ex either date someone who is afraid to openly share themselves with you or someone who hasn't ever been in a relationship. Any person who is content and happy with who they are and isn't afraid to share that with you is going to talk about exs.
Asking them not is basically saying, "I'm sorry but I'm not secure enough about my standing with you and my feelings and I can't hear you talk about your past without obsessing about my insecurity and the fact that I'm in a constant state of fear that I don't stack up to your ex."
Is that a normal reaction and perfectly understandable? Absolutely!!!! Is it also a CLEAR indication you aren't 100% secure in your relationship? Yuppers, but who really is 100% secure 100% of the time. Does that last part apply to myself and my fiance? Sure thing. EVERYONE is going to get insecure from time to time, but do you really want your SO to censor themselves because of your fear and insecurity or do you want to face your fear and learn to deal with your insecurity constructively, by reminding yourself that your fears are unfounded.
One thing I have to give my guy credit for, he's never asked me to not talk about my exs. He doesn't want me to censor myself. Do I choose to, at times, out of deference to his feelings? Yes, but when something slips out I don't feel guilty about it either. And I appreciate that he is working on that insecurity rather then asking me to never bring up an ex. Personally I wish he were comfortable enough with his past and with us to discuss his past with me more, but I understand that there are a lot of things he hasn't delt with back there and he isn't ready.
Honestly, I think it's much better to be in a relationship where you can talk about your past without fear or jealousy or insecurity or at least a relationship in which both parties are trying to grow by facing those feelings head on. Hiding from the insecurity by asking your partner to censor themselves is really kind of a cop out to me. It means you don't want to deal with what you're feeling so you ask your partner to change so you don't have to.
Which I can say I know from personal experience on both ends. Being the person asking my partner to change or censor themselves and being the person being asked to change or censor myself. I've gotta tell you it doesn't work nearly as well as just facing those negative feelings and learning to deal with them.
Nick,
That makes sense, however, I guess then, I don't understand why you'd censor yourself at all for your df. I mean, if he's insecure, as you said, that's for him to deal with, not you. However, I also think because you love him and truly do love him, you're more willing to censor yourself for the SAKE of his insecurities......which do pop up as you stated yourself. wouldn't you think that a catch-22?
As for this statement, "A good example of converstaion would be me saying to my fiance, 'Yeah, I tried rock climbing a couple of times. It was fun. I don't do it any more because Wyatt never got a chance to teach me how to rig a climb.'"
IMHO, I don't see any point for the last line. Unless asked. Maybe it's from being with too many men who are themselves very insecure and can't stand hearing about my x's, so I have learned to cut my sentences up. Meaning, I'd say the first part. I'd stop before saying, "I don't do it anymore....". To me, it's useless information about the x that I don't need. If I wanted to know who you did it with or why you quit, I'd ask.
I do however agree that if you talk about your X, in regards to yourself and your growth, thats a good thing. I wish my guy would talk more about his X in that way. In the way he does talk about her, I soooo don't need to hear about. And actually, the whole clothes thing, had more to do with money, not what he wanted to clone me as. That's all bf talked about in the beginning money money money...and he wondered why ppl thought he was materialistic, high maintenance, and downright shallow. lol. Thankfully I opened his eyes up and he has since realized that needs to stop.
thanks for sharing. we all need something different. I need a man who'll be okay to talk about the x's, but not bring it up in casual conversation really. and of course, no flat out comparisons.
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