Should I tell him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Should I tell him?
2
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 3:55pm

Hi everyone,
I have this dilemma. I've been friends with this guy for almost 3 years now. We haven't been that close friends, mostly because his ex-gf probably never liked me. But now after they've broken up we've started to talk, usually through IM online though. Up until recently I thought that I'd never fall for this guy, cause he's not my type at all. But about two weeks ago this thing happened and we did something that I now know we shouldn't have done. Because of the thing we did and the fact that we've been talking more and more lately the thing I didn't want to happen has happened. I've fallen in love with the guy. And it's getting worse and worse. Since we do talk, it's no unusual that he tells me that he've been out partying meeting girls and stuff. And to hear that stuff just kills me inside.

So my big dilemma is whether or not to tell him how I feel. I'm pretty sure that he has no interest in me at all, except for being friends. Looking forward to your advice

//Bofia

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: bofia
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 3:57pm
Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained.....
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
In reply to: bofia
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 4:44pm

I'm a little confused...what did you guys do that you shouldn't have done? Did you sleep together?

If it were me, I would tell him how I felt about him. It's possible that he is developing feelings toward you, but assumes you don't have any feelings for him and so he hasn't made any moves. If you have already slept together, he obviously feels attracted to you even if he doesn't want to pursue a relationship. If you did sleep together, and have been friends for 3 years, you should be able to talk about this.

On a side note, even if you tell him how you feel about him, you still need to be prepared for him to tell you he doesn't feel the same way or is not ready for a committed relationship. Unfortunately you can't make him feel a certain way about you, but at least you'll know where you stand and can move on from there. There is also the chance that he will be uncomfortable with your revelation, and put your friendship on hold or end it completely. You mentioned you weren't really close friends, but you have to ask yourself if you're willing to risk the friendship for a possible romance.

Obviously there are pros and cons to either course you take. Only you can decide which course is right for you.

I was in a similar situation once. I worked with a man who wasn't really my type. He broke up with his fiancee and took it really hard. We became friends as he was crying on my shoulder frequently. We started hanging out...I'd go to his hockey games, we had dinner, etc. It was all platonic and I figured I was just helping him keep his mind off his ex. Then one night he kissed me. Soon after that we started sleeping together. We had a discussion, and I understood that he was not ready for a relationship and that he didn't see a future with me. We were "friends with privileges". That was fine for awhile, and then I realized I had fallen for him. I knew it because I'd get jealous when he mentioned he found another woman attractive, and I'd never felt that way before. So I broke down and told him how I felt. Of course he didn't feel the same way towards me, and our friendship cooled. Eventually we became friends again, but the sex ended. He told me he was grateful to me for helping him through a tough time (yeah, I'm sure the sex helped a lot - LOL!), but really couldn't tell me why he didn't want a relationship with me (said he found me attractive, had a lot of qualities he was looking for in a GF, etc.). I just had to accept that and realize that at least he'd been honest with me all along.

I wish you the best!