advice needed

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2003
advice needed
8
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 12:26am
hi everyone:) i've got a concern...i've been dating my b/f for 1 year now. he likes to do everything sowly..which is fine because taking things slowly is nice. but i'm starting to think things are dragging along and i'm wondering if this is healthy for the relationship. it was 6 months before we first kissed and it's been a year and we still haven't had sex. he refuses to have anything but oral sex. he's told me that he moved quickly in his past relationships...but i think in this one he's moving very slowly. is this normal or do you guys think he might be holding something back or maybe he doesn't feel connected to me? i don't get it. when i talk to him about it, he brushes it off saying he wants to get an STD check..which he has gotten already and which came back negative. i'm starting to feel like there's something wrong with me but he's not very willing to talk about it. he's still keeps in touch with the last g/f but he says there is no romantic interest in her..although he kept reminding me how much he loves her..that is until i told him to stop it. also many of his very close friends are female and he is very sensitive to anything i say regarding them. do you think this might be part of the problem? do i have cause for concern when he's telling me not to worry about anything? i love him but i'm feeling very rejected and also a bit threatened by the fact that he reminds himself that he loves his ex and has female friends that he shares close ties with. the friends thing is only uncomfortable because he's been "touchy feely" with these women in the past and now has a close friendship with them. i feel as though i am in competition with his past and also with his friends because i often feel he'd pick friends over me. he says i'm misled for thiking these things but do i have legimitate concerns or am i over-reacting?? the only consulation i have is that he tells me something of his past..whether it's with the friends or the exes..but i figure those are things he could've kept hidden.i doubt he's told me everything but i think he's told me enough considering he didn't have to say anything. what are your views? am i being insecure or am i right for thinking these things may be involved in his reasoning for not wanting to sleep together?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 1:50am

I don't know if I really have any answers for you as to why your man might behaving the way he is, but I can say I don't think it's normal.

I agree that taking things slowly has its benefits especially if one person has just gotten out of a long term relationship or has been hurt in the past. Personally I think 6 months is an awful long time to wait for a kiss, but I guess waiting a year for sex might be understandable. There are reasons people might abstain from something as intimate as sex health concerns and religious beliefs being two, but even then there would be communication as to why sex was being abstained from. Your guy doesn't seem to want to give you a reason, and he has already had an STD test.

What I really don't understand is he's willing to have oral sex, but not sexual intercourse. If STDs were a true concern, he would have abstained from all sexual contact as STDs can be transmitted orally as well. So I don't buy the STD excuse - especially since you say he's been tested and doesn't have an STD!

The part about being in contact with the ex he still claims to love is a red flag for me. Maybe he's just not over her yet and can't bring himself to tell you that. His love for the ex may be holding him back from fully committing to you. Maybe he feels he'd be "cheating" on his ex by having sex with you (some guys don't count oral sex as sex...remember Bill Clinton?)since he still loves her. I don't really know, but there's something fishy here. It's not fair to you to be waiting for him to come around while he's still admittedly pining away for his ex! I'd also be concerned about his closely guarded friendships with other women.

I'm sorry, but your man is hiding something from you. If he's not willing to open up and dedicate himself to you the way you have dedicated yourself to him, then it might be best to move on and find someone who is emotionally available. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 11:52am

Can I ask you something? He said he's afraid of getting an STD, so he got himself checked. Was this before or after you guys had oral sex? Also, is the oral sex reciprocated? Or is it just all for him?


Personally the STD bit is bs, because you can get a lot of things from oral sex. And if you were that scared, he'd alwasy use a condom, with you, he'd always use some sort of barrier, or he'd completely abstain.


I'd have to think that he's not over his xgf. Period. To TELL YOU he still loves her is just wrong and so disrespectful. Also, waiting 6 months for




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2003
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 11:07pm
hi guys! thanx for the advice...i know something isn't right i just needed to make sure i wasn't thinking illogically. well, cher bear to answer your question...the oral sex is reciprocated and he's the one always initiating our fooling around. to answer your other question, we waited until he was checked before we started doing anything..he was to go for a follow up but he keeps postponing it. he claims that he doesn't want to haev actual intercourse until he's had the follow up. anyway, i agree with you guys..i think he is hiding something but i can't get him to open up to me. he's probably afraid of my reaction or maybe he thinks i'm gonna judge him or something. i don't mind waiting for the sex but i don't accept the reason he gives me for wanting to wait...esp since i know he's been intimate with other women after knowing them only a short time...mening a few months at the most. so i'm here feeling insecure, like i can't make him happy or thinking something's wrong with me. so i sat down and wrote him a long email explaining all my concerns...he said he won't be able to send me a response until this weekend...but in the meantime he's meeting up with his buddies. what gets to me is that he knows it's bothering me but yet he does nothing about it, he doesn't really want to talk about it or anything. something just isn't right and i'm not sure what to do about it. but i think you're right, if he doesn't come clean soon..i'm gonna have to start reconsidering things. i'll have to wait for his response to my mail i guess...i'll keep you guys posted!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 1:18pm

First, if he already had plans with his buddies, then that's understandable. I know my guy needs time to think about things and as much as it killed me and I THOUGHT he didn't care, he just isn't the type to think on his feet about matters regarding the heart. HOWEVER, he also wouldn't go out with the guys unless it was planned.


At least he told you he can't think about until the weekend. My bf would just ignore it and me sometimes, for a week. I'd be like, "sooo" and he's like, "what" and I'd be like, "did you think about it" and he'd be "oh, um, I will" and that'd be it. blow off totally. But it was his "conflict avoidance" part of him. He was avoiding conflict, and no, he wasn't thinking about it. So when I did bring it up to him face to face, he didn't know what to say, didn't




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 2:44pm

Hello and welcome, docbrowneyes.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2003
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 2:58pm
hi everyone,
here's my update. so i sent my bf this long email explaining my feelings and asking him to respond. he said he'd get to it on the weekend but kept making last minute plans with his buddies to go out. we usually talk everynight so i told him last night instead of calling me as usual, just take the time and respond to the email i wrote...otherwise he'd make me wait on the back burner. so he was kind enough to do that for me which i greatly appreciated. he said it took him almost 5 hours to do..lol..so that made me appreciate it even more. anyway, here's the rundown: he had an STD check done for everything excepting HPV and all checks came back negative. however, he had a strange growth or something on his penis 3 years ago when he was with his ex and he convinced himself it was HPV...he waited til now to go get checked for it! men! aye! anyway.. he went to a doc tht told him via physical exam..that what he probably had was a bought of eczema (he's got eczema) and not HPV (this doc is an STD specialist and dermatologist too). he's still paranoid the doc may be wrong since the check was done via physical exam...so he asked the ex to send her pap smear results...which were also negative...now he wants a follow up with the doc again. the oral sex still boggles me b/c HPV can be contraced that way. i know he's clean, he knows he's clean so i told him i don't buy the STD excuse. so now comes the "do you love your ex still" question..his answer was he loves her but he's not in love with her. so i said well, then what's the problem with wanting to wait without having a "real" excuse? he said he doesn't think i'm happy with him. where he gets this i have no idea. i tell him the opposite all the time. i relayed to him that i felt as though there was something wrong with me..he didn't address that concern so i feel as though he may be holding something back from me. from his email, i gathered that he needs space but he cares about me and feels i'm not that into him. so now i'm left wondering "what next". i don't have much dating experience so i'm not sure what to make of all this. is he B.S.- ing me?let me know what you guys think..thank you:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 1:32am

Ohmigod. Loved the STD excuse. But it's okay for YOU to give him ORAL and get HPV if he had/has it. That's sooo nice of him. Jeez. That's BS, glad you called him on it.

In my experience, when a person says, "you're not happy with me", it actually means, "i'm not happy with you, but I don't have the balls to say it, or I enjoy being with you too much, or I enjoy the sex too much, but overall, I can't say it".

However, that's my two cents. I"d love to hear everyone else's reply.

One question though, are you not "open" about how you feel about him? I don't mean verbally, I mean physically. Do you show you care about him? Are you affectionate with him? Just wondering, in case, he's being truthful about thinking you're not into him. I still think it's BS. Sorry, that's just my thoughts though.

So far, he's told a nice big elaborate lie about the STD, what else is he lying about? I mean, if he TRULY worried about having it and giving it to you, he'd abstain from ANY form of sex, and/or any thing that he could possibly transmit it. But obviously, he's fine about giving to you orally.........if he has it, which everyone is pretty adamant that he doesn't.

Hugs. I know you really like this guy and care for him, but I honestly feel like you're getting played, HOWEVER, you're the one in the r'ship, not me. I could be totally wrong.

Be strong.




my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2003
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 4:13pm
cher bear, thank you for your advice. everything you've said has run through my head as well. i really hope it's wrong and that he is being truthful. the more we talk, the more it comes across to me that he feels i'm holding back from him. he seems to feel that i purposefully try to be distance myself from him. the fact of the matter is that's not the case and i try my best to express myself and share my ideas. is it possible for a man to feel slighted and hold back parts of himself if he feels his gf isn't as emotional with him as he'd like her to be? i try so hard to be open and to get him to be open. i'm not sure what else to do. i guess i'll have to take it slow and easy and see what my gut feelings tell me...but as i said, i really hope the insecure thoughts that i've been having are just that...thoughts. i'd be hurt if they were a reality and he is playing me for a fool! maybe i should try holding back?..but from what i gather, that's what he's saying he feels the problem is.