Having a hard time with ....
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| Tue, 04-05-2005 - 11:03am |
My boyfriend has a child. We have been together for 10 months. This is my first time involved with someone who has children. His ex and him talk just about everyday about their son. Is this normal? She lives with her boyfriend and they have obviously moved on to other relationships. I guess since I am new to this and don't have kids of my own, I can not relate. It just kid of annoys me to listen to him talk about her and how they talked etc. Plus, now that I am going to events of his son's, I have contact with her as well. Is it normal to feel uncomfortable? I don't let him know any of this, because I need to learn to deal with it all if we are going to be together. Sometimes, I just feel like they share so much more than we do, and wonder if he wishes they were still together (even though I know he can't stand her, would not marry her due to problems, and they are only civil to each other because of their son). I guess these are all normal feelings. They are just new to me.
Any ideas on how I can get past these feelings?

I think it might be "normal" to feel a little uncomfortable, but not necessarily rational, kwim? When a couple has a child together, they are bound together via that child. KUDOS to your BF for having such an active role in his child's life! I think sometimes we get confused when we see other men that don't have much dealings with the mother of their children-- and I think a lot of times they don't have much dealings with their CHILDREN, either.
I don't know if that helps at all...
Honestly, I've never been in this situation, since I've never dated someone that had a child, but I can imagine it being a little difficult....
Well, best of luck to you!
~V
It just takes time and some getting used to. The thing to remember is to do what's best for the child. The child is innocent and needs both his parents. His parents should be acting civilly to each other and communicating about the child's needs.
My husband has a child with his ex. I know he can't stand her, but he has to deal with her because of the child. They don't talk every day now, but when the child was younger they did talk almost every day. It's hard feeling like the ex is still part of your man's life, but she is only part of it because of the child. Put yourself in the child's place. Would you want to lose your dad just because he wasn't with your mom anymore?
I'm still uncomfortable around my husband's ex. I think that's normal, but I deal with it for my stepdaughter's sake. Reagrdless of how I feel about my husband's ex, she's still that child's mother.
As your relationship develops with your man, you will realize that someday hopefully you two will be able to share things he probably never shared with her (like a stable, loving relationship), and also have the opportunity to share things she had with him (a child).
I hope this helps. E-mail me if you want someone to talk to...I've been through it all! lovekitties@mail2world.com
Kim :)
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If the above statement is true, you have nothing to worry about. I applaud your BF for being active in his child's life. Let me ask you - would you prefer a man like my ex-husband, who has had no contact with his only child in 6 years? What kind of man is that?
Your BF and the child's mother will maintain a relationship for as long as they live, though the relationship will gradually become less obvious as the child grows older. They are forever bound together by this child. And now he is including you in that part of his life. Instead of feeling uncomfortable, accept those people who are in his life and create relationships with them. That will do far more to enhance his feelings for you than if you stand in the corner and wish everyone would go away.
And just a tiny sideline. Don't let yourself get caught up in the idea that you should have a child, too. A lot of young women think that is the way to a man's heart. Be smarter than that.
Hello! I am a single mother who has an incredible bond with my daughters dad. I have a 7 yr old daughter and we have been broken up for 5 yrs. He has always been in her life very strongly since the day she was born.
Honestly he drives me nuts most of the time but I keep tactful with him and I keep a close friendship with him because of our daughter. I am still very close to his mother (we are like bestfriends) and we see each other every day. And I see and talk to my daughters dad everyday because of our daughter and his mother watches her after she gets off of school until him or I get off work.
My daughter has the best of two worlds. Just because her father and I are not together doesn't mean that we still can't raise her together, and him and I are proving facts of that. If I never gotten prego by him I probably wouldn't even know where he was today. Is it normal to feel akward around the mother of his child? I think it would be. My daughters dad hasn't been in a serious relationship since we broke up but I would feel alittle awkward being around his new gf at first. But you have to remember everyone is doing what they are doing for the kid and the kid only. I think that you have nothing to worry about.
-Michelle
adjust. There is an article that you should read.
http://www.mary.com/articles/view.html?aid=59
and a quote from it- "he's a dad first, a date second"
Hope to have helped!
I think it's normal to feel a little uncomfortable in the situation...not that it's exactly necessary to feel uncomfortable though.
Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?