Skelleton in the closet

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2005
Skelleton in the closet
6
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 3:27pm

Hello everyone. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and I'll try to make it short. I just need any kind of advice desperately!

My boyfriend and I have been togehter for 4 months and things are getting very serious. We have a great relationship and the best part is we communicate so well. I could tell him anything...he's not only my boyfriend but my best friend.

He wanted to tell me this big skeleton from his past before we took the next step in our relationship. When he was in highschool he got his girlfriend pregnant and they both decided to put the baby up for adoption. This was about 11 years ago. He doesn't feel any attachment to it and felt that it was the right decision because they were both so young. I was so shocked to hear this news. I didn't know what to say. I felt betrayed, sad, hurt, crushed. He's an amazing man...everything that I want but why am i soo sad......I don't want to lose the great relationship that we have but it's really hard for me to get past it. He told me this 2 days ago. Am I overexaggerating? Being insensative? I don't know....I need any advice that I can get. Thank you in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 3:43pm
You've only been together for 4 months and he's told you about this huge part of his life. Things like this happen to kids - yes,kids - in high school. You have to remember that he was a pip-squeek back then - think about what 16 years old look like to you. This wasn't his last girlfriend in his 20's, but a stupid mistake he made as a kid. Be glad he told you at all because he could have said nothing and you would mostly likely never have found out. He took the initiative to tell you something that he didn't need to - revel in that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 3:44pm

Your feelings aer your feelings, however, I do think you're overreacting to something.

WHY do you feel betrayed? It's not like he's lying to you about a child that some woman has and he's being a horrible father. It's not like he's not paying child support and ditching out on his fatherly duties. He did a WONDERFUL thing for the child, which was to give it up for adoption.

Why are you condemning him for a difficult yet great act? And why condemn him for telling you the truth about it?

I wonder, do you feel sad, betrayed, upset, because you know he had a child and it wasn't with you? Do you feel like he's got this HUGE secret that will come back to haunt you? Does it hurt because you know for a fact he was intimate with anothr woman and she had his child?

WHY do you feel betrayed?
WHY do you feel sad?
WHY do you feel hurt?
WHY do you feel crushed?

I would think about that first. And then ask yourself. How would you have felt if he said, "I have a child and I don't talk to the mom nor the kid and don't even give them any support" or, what if he was a single dad? Would you feel the same about the situation?

To be honest, if anything, for msyelf, I know I wouldn't feel any of those things...because he did something great for the child, which was to give him a better life that he nor the mother couldn't give him at the time.




my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 1:15am

You are probably feeling a huge range of emotions after hearing such shocking news from a man you are obviously falling in love with. Be thankful that he felt close enough to you to confide that in you. So maybe he's not quite as perfect as you once thought, but he's still the same person. Honey, romance is rarely the fairy tale that the movies make it out to be. We are all human and we all make mistakes. He can't change his past, but I don't think he should be condemned for it either. There are many other young men and women who have walked in his shoes. What is important is how he treats you, how you feel when you are with him, etc. Those are important things that are hard to find in a mate.

My husband has a child with his ex-wife, and a child with an ex-girlfriend. The child with the ex-girlfriend was born when he was barely 20 years old, and it was a mistake having a child with that woman. He pays child support, but it's been an ugly situation. As you can imagine, the situation with his ex-wife isn't much better. Does it matter to me? Not really because he loves me and treats me well. He makes me happy. And I know that 10, 15, 20, even 50 years down the line he's still gonna love me and treat me well and all this other stuff will have worked itself out. It's not the end of the world!

Take some time to get used to what your boyfriend told you. He did a very unselfish and difficult thing giving that child up for adoption. I'm sure he thinks about it everyday and wonders if he did the right thing. Wouldn't you? Don't punish him for it. Keep in mind there may be other guys out there without baggage, but there would be something else wrong - like they cheat, lie, don't have the qualities you want in a man, etc. Nobody's perfect, but it sounds like except for this "skeleton", the guy you have is pretty darn close!

(((HUGS))) and best wishes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2005
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 1:57pm

Thank you all for your advice and input. I really needed an outside opinion and view on this subject. Your responses only confirmed how much I truly love him and what a real man he is to come out and tell me something so personal.

Cher- You were very exact in the way I was feeling. I was hurt because I wasn't the one to have his child. Also the thought of another woman having his baby killed me. It took away the whole fairy tale of our relationship which mrsbige had mentioned. Nobody is perfect. I know I'm nothing close to perfect. I needed this reality check. Your comments meant alot to me....thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 2:20pm

Hugs and good luck.


I know before I was married, I wouldn't date any separated or divorced man, as I wanted to experience MARRIAGE with him, while BOTH of us being virgins to it (not sexually). I wanted to do all the firsts with that man. Not kids, but well, same thing.


And well, I dated a man who was married, I hated it, resented him, her, the whole thing. He ended up breaking up with me and it was definitely for the best.


Now that I have been married and divorced, I know I can't expect that with anyone. All I can do is hope to make better memories, to replace the old ones in regards to marriage/wife/husband/kids.


One thing to remember, although he has had a child with someone else, he's never experienced RAISING a child with anyone else. Hugs. I feel childbirth is unique for every child. Otherwise, why celebrate it at all. lol





my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 1:26am

You are more than welcome! I'm glad to hear that posting here helped.

Before I dated my husband, I refused to date a man who had been married or had kids. Like Cher, I wanted to be the first he shared those things with. After dating a few "frogs", I found my "prince", but guess what? He was divorced with 2 kids! I had a lot of the same feelings you described. But then I realized that even though he had experienced marriage and having kids (and I had not), that we would share many other things he'd never have with his exs...a lasting love, raising our kids together, a strong marriage, etc...Those things soon came to matter more to me, and soon I stopped feeling upset over what he'd shared with these other women. It sounds like you will too.

(((HUGS))) and good luck always!