Red Flag??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Red Flag??
16
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 6:11am

I'd like to know if anyone out there has a take on this situation and can let me know if there are bright red flags waving here.

I met this guy, 'Tom' 2 months ago, around the same time I underwent pretty bad break up with a guy I had been with for a year. This guy was really sweet to me and showed me that he was 'there for me' even when I flew 4,000 miles away to be with my family and friends after the breakup (I needed time to get over the one guy). Ever since I've been back, he still very clearly expresses his interest for me and has been pushing for a 'full fledged' relationship. He knows I'm not ready... it's not that I'm afraid of committment, but right now things just don't seem right. We do things together that normal couples or 'friends with benefits' would do.. the whole sleeping over, holding hands etc etc.. maybe it all sounds very contradictory with me 'not being ready and all', but he knew from the start that I didn't want some hot and heavy relationship right then and there.

Anyhow, let me get to the main point of this posting.

In the past month (since I've been back here), Tom's gone through my cell phone a few times to see if my ex had messaged me... which he had but wrote absolutely nothing of 'wanting me back' or anything incriminating. He flipped out on me telling me I can never have contact with him again. I understand how an ex can be a threat, so I don't blame his reaction (I just don't like that he went through my phone!)...

Also, this past week I left him alone in my room while I went to work, and he had gone through some papers on my desk and found an email I had printed out arranging a day to meet up with a male friend. I got the cold shoulder later that day from him. I never ment to keep it some secret and I was going to tell him later that day about it (I met this friend also around the same time of meeting Tom... so he thinks I want to get in this guy's pants).

Before leaving for work that day, I went through a wooden box (where I keep important documents, passports.. etc etc) and told Tom as a 'joke' (and test), 'don't go through my box when I'm gone.. I'll find out if you do!'.. I told him all cute-like and not as if I had some terrible dark secret inside... I laid a strand of hair on the box and low and behold, after coming home, the hair was gone.. he'd gone inside it! I wasn't worried he'd find anything of course, but the fact that he went through it after I told him not to. (He admitted to going in it later as well).

I told him over the weekend something from my past that I'm not proud of. I thought it was important for him to know so that he had a better understand of what I've gone through concerning men. I was basically "raped" by a colleague when I was 17 (I still find it hard to consider myself raped.. thus the ""). He was shocked and didn't know how to react to me. He made it almost seem like it was my fault and told me he was disgusted in me and didn't want to be near me at that exact point in time... he wouldn't let me touch him for awhile and didn't want to give me a kiss for well over an hour. I was stunned by his reaction... but maybe he's never been in this situation or met anyone who had gone through something like that and he was just confused as to how to react.

This morning at 5am (he works for the air force so he wakes up early), he wrote me a text message telling me he has no time this week for my Sh** and that he'd see me on friday, if I didn't happen to have a date with another guy lined up then. I told him yesterday that I had a day planned to meet up with this friend of mine I met acouple months ago.. I told him I wasn't going to go home with this man afterwards and it was just to meet up, grab a drink and talk (I'm living in Europe now and don't know that many people.. so I'm looking for 'friends' I can go out with for a coffee/drink now and then and to talk with).

I don't want to make excuses for him, which is why I'm writing here. When the topic of my ex doesn't pop up (any discussion about ex's in general) and 'guys I'm going to meet up with' are avoided, he and I have a great time together.

Do you think that his behavior can be justified by being afraid that I'll run off to someone else.. just a reflection of his insecurities??? or are these clear indicators of someone very possessive and someone who can possibly turn things messy and ugly.. possibly violent.. I don't know what the signs are of potentially violent/angry people.. if there are signs.. I've never been in a 'relationship' with someone who behaves like this.. at least definitely not in the first 2 months.

I'd really appreciate any advice or feedback on this situation. Am I blowing this all out of proportion?

Sorry for the long message.. and thank you if you made it this far!

Pages

Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 8:33am

RUN, don't walk, away from this man. He is incredibly possessive and in no way is his behavior justified, except to him.

There are men out there who prey on women who are vulnerable after a breakup. Right after a breakup women are usually more easily controlled and manipulated. You are not as easily controlled as this predator thought you would be, which is why he is becoming angry. It will only get worse as he tries every trick he knows to get you under his control.

Get rid of him. He's an emotional, if not potentially physical danger to you.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 9:04am

Holy cow! This guy is way out of line. First off, you were upfront and told him you didn't want a serious relationship. Thats the bottom line. Then he already doesn't trust you and is going into your phone and personal things??? That sort of thing is never acceptable, in a relationship, marriage, whatever, never!! And what have you done to even condone his mistrust? NOTHING.
Let me get this straight... he told you he doesn't have time for your sh** this week??? Well, very niceley I will advise you to drop this dud. He is psycho, controlling, pushy and manipulative to say the least. Two months into seeing this guy (not even a relationship per say) and you are walking on eggshells, defending every phone call and friend, and constantly being accused of sleeping around and god knows what else. YOU DON"T NEED THAT SH**. Get rid of him! ASAP

HUGS, you deserve way better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 11:36am

I totally agree,


YOU do not need HIS sh*! So, tell him that you dont' EVER wnat to see him again.


OHIMIGOD!!! hugs and good luck.




my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 1:19pm

<< just a reflection of his insecurities??? or are these clear indicators of someone very possessive and someone who can possibly turn things messy and ugly>>

Yes, and yes! He's insecure, has no respect for your things or your privacy, no self-control, insensitive (about what happened to you when you were 17), and immature (ie, texting you that he has "no time this week for your Sh**") ... and you want this in your life WHY?

You're not blowing this out of proportion ... you don't need this type of man in your life. No one does.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 5:36pm
Wah?! This is what I like to call a made-for-tv movie in the making. Come on, you know the answer to this one or your "is he this or that" question wouldn't have been quite so detailed. You didn't say "or is he insecure", you proceeded to lay out the full litany of scariness that you (and all of us) clearly see. You obviously see that violence isn't that far down the road. This guy is literally auditioning for Lifetime TV villain of the week. I'd have dropped him at going through my phone - forget everything that came after! Run, don't walk!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 6:01pm

What a poisonous person he is! Ewww! To display all this possessive and controlling behavior even though you've explained that you're not ready for a serious relationship - and then to act disgusted by you when you tell him about an incident in your past?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 6:27pm

I would most definitely break up with this guy. He seems plain crazy. You gave him no reasons to act the way he does, and yet he is possesive and doesn't even trust you. If he is like this now, and you two aren't even in a seriuos relationship, imagine how he will be like IF (which I hope you do not) start a relationship?
This guys is most definitely not worth your time!

~L.A

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 11:46pm
I think that you should get as far away from this guy as possible.
He doesn't trust you at all or he wouldn't go through all your
stuff! I would dump him! Here is an article that might give you
some ideas. Just change the her and she to him and he.
http://www.mary.com/articles/view.html?aid=50&
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 4:57am

Wow, I wasn't expecting to get so much support.. thank you!

I just have to try and figure out how I can get out of all of this with the least amount of 'pain' as possible... you see he gave me his housekeys last weekend, so that I can go to his house tomorrow and wait for him to get out of work late at night. He lives about a 2 hour train ride away, so it's not exactly possible (time wise and money wise) to go there, drop them off, and take the train back. I just don't feel like having another weekend gone to waste :-( I don't see the point really in talking to him about this, about why I don't want to pursue things any further, because I think anything I say will pass right out the other ear. Men like this don't change do they?? I'm not trying to convince myself this would in any way work out, because there is no trust on either ends... and I don't want to be kept on a short leash and be treated like I'm owned by someone (which I feel by him basically telling me who i can meet up with, when, for how long etc etc).

You know.. I love Lifetime movies! I miss them so much (sadly no Lifetime over here). I always wanted a movie to be made after me, but definitely not under these circumstances. I was thinking more along the lines of for receiving a Nobel Peace Prize or being the first woman to do something never done before (what exactly, I don't know).

Thank you all so much again for making me really KNOW now that this isn't normal, right and won't change unless I step out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 5:10am

He gave you his keys so you could travel 2 hours to go wait for him? Lucky Girl! This guy is a piece of work! Well, what can I tell you? That's what Deutche Post is for! Mail those suckers! I hung with a bunch of officers in Germany when my friend was stationed there. There are, unfortunately, many neanderthals amongst the officer corp...just like the normal male population but with weaponry and uniforms!

Lifetime is good for pro-woman movies, but they also manage to do a movie about every possible bad thing that could ever happen to a woman.

Pages