Ages and maturity levels.....
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| Wed, 04-06-2005 - 8:53am |
I've been dating a guy for about a month now. I'm 27, he's 23, so there's a bit of an age difference. And I've never dated someone younger before. So far, he has been wonderful. He is intelligent, sweet, affectionate, and we can talk about everything, so we're very comfortable with eachother. We both have good careers, have a similar outlook on life and have similar goals.
A couple of things that concern me, is first, I don't think he's at the same maturity level as I am, which I think has to do with his age. Example: he is very close to his parents and tells them everything. Which I think once you reach a certain age, there are just some things you just don't share with your parents, especially personal things. He also still lives with them, because he's saving to build a house.
Second, when I met him, he was a virgin, which I found very respectable. He had had a gf for 4yrs but they never had sex, but not because he didn't want to. And since then, he had never found someone he wanted a r'ship with, until he met me. I on the other hand, have dated and been with a fair amount of guys, but didn't share specifics with him. But anyway, we just recently had sex for the first time, which was very nice, and I think will only get better with time.
So I guess these things are making me feel so much older. Him living with his parents, and being a virgin, etc. It's almost like I'm dating a high schooler. But I'm wondering if I just need to be patient, and give the r'ship a chance, in other words, allow him the time to "grow up".
Comments or suggestions?

Minus the living at home with his folks (and him telling them everything, which is a good thing...to a point). And his age. And his virginity bit.
WHY ELSE is he "immature" to you? Does he ACT like a kid? does he use WAY too much slang? Is he irresponsible? Does he like to party and drink 24/7?
I don't think living at home, being a virgin, or even telling your parents a lot about your life is immaturity. (oops, not saying virgin is immaturity, but just putting it all in one basket).
Also, waiting, could be a good idea, or a bad one. Because what if he moves out, but still tells his folks evertying? You could ask him to censor SOME stuff, but you can't expect him not to share everything, jsut because you think it's strange. Some people are VERY close to their parents. and that's a good thing (to the point of not being controlled, etc). Also, he could move out, but still act immaturely. I know MANY MANY MANY men who act like kids while living on their own.
If you like him, and if the only part of the r'ship that to you is "immature" is where he lives, that he's close to his parents, and that he was a virgin, i'd say, give it some time. However, if you feel it's more about being dependent, irresponsible, etc, then I'd think about walking away.
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No, he doesn't do any of those things. I think he is a very responsible person and I think he has a great r'ship with his parents, which is probably more of the reason why he lives there. And our partying habits are very similar and not excessive so there's no problem there.
I guess his inexperience with life in general is where I see the immaturity. The inexperience of sex, having an intimate r'ship with someone, living on your own, being responsible for yourself. He's always had his parents to help him with all the daily things, cooking, cleaning, laundry. So I guess I worry about what happens when he moves out of his parents house and moves in with a girlfriend/wife, etc.
"So I guess I worry about what happens when he moves out of his parents house and moves in with a girlfriend/wife, etc."
In that case, then you ahve two choices. 1. leave him now and find someone more "worldly" or 2. stay with him, and when it comes time for him to move out, DO NOT move in with him, and give him some "alone" time.
I know what you mean. I have been out of the house since 92, then back in since 2000. So I was on my own for 8 years.
DBF on the other hand, lived at home until he moved in with xw for 3 years, then after the divorce, moved in with xgf for a year, and has been home since. So, no living on his own. HOWEVER, I also realize he's the type that could NEVER live alone (total people person, needs the human interaction). I mean, gratned, he could live with male roommates, etc. But overall, he's not dependent, I know he can do his own laundry, cook, clean, etc. But yeah, it's strange to know this 36 year old man has never lived a day of his life....ALONE.
So, the choice is yours. Personally, I'd just go with it. I know some people who are like kids, and having left the nest. I know some ppl who aren't, and are still in the nest. i know the opposites also. ppl who have been on their own for so long, they dont' know how to live with someone else, nor compromise, or ppl who live on their own, and still can't do anything for themselves.
It's your values that are saying his maturity level isn't the same....however, if I recall, he's also 4 years younger than you. And at 23, he may not move out for another 5 years for all you know. My brother lived at home until he was 30. Granted, we all did our own laundry, he mde his own food, etc. but still, he hadn't been out of the house EVER. Whereas I had been out for 8 years.
And yes, I do feel my brother is immature STILL!!! He's not a guy I'd date, cuz I'd be like, ugh, I don't want a son, I want a partner. At least, dbf, even though he lived out of the hosue for 4 years, and with a gf, he's more on my level. which is what I like.
I feel maturity levels must match...for me to feel comfy in a r'ship. however, that's me. where is your comfort level?
<< The inexperience of sex, having an intimate r'ship with someone, living on your own, being responsible for yourself. He's always had his parents to help him with all the daily things, cooking, cleaning, laundry. So I guess I worry about what happens when he moves out of his parents house and moves in with a girlfriend/wife, etc.>>
Well, thing is ... he's not 30 and still dependent of his parents ... he's 23 ... so, still living with your parents at 23 isn't that unusual ... and, except for the lack of sexual experience, which, if you ask me ... shows a lot of maturity that he hasn't been so freely giving of sex at an age where most young men are ... I don't see anything wrong here for where he's at in his life.
You chose him for who he is and he can't help that he's 23 ... so, if this concerns you enough, you should choose someone older, more experienced and wordly. He can't help how old he is. Personally, I'd give it a chance ... it doesn't sound like there's anything really wrong here.
Good luck!
Mature vs. Immature.
Mature = pay his bills on time, treats you with respect, treats your friends and family with respect, treats his own family with respect, has a job and works to better himself in his position or career, has realistic goals, handles his emotions well, spends money wisely, uses time wisely, is caring and thoughtful, has decent conversational skills.
Immature = lets his parents pay all his expenses, lets bills slide if he does pay them, spends his spare time playing video games and smoking pot, complains about his situation but does nothing to change it, talks to his parents like a smart-mouth teenager, tells you what's wrong with YOUR family, refuses to spend time with your friends, jumps from job to job or spends a lot of time unemployed, wants to be a rock star, dresses in dreadlocks and pants that hang around his butt, becomes easily angered and throws temper tantrums, spends his money buying video games and Star Wars figures, ignores you or treats you with disrespect, can talk about nothing but MTV, the latest episode of Survivor and how hot J-Lo is.
Which category does your boyfriend fit most? You notice I said nothing about sex. Way too many people think sex makes you mature. It doesn't. There are lots of people who had sex at an early age, but they are about as mature as a 12 year old.
It doesn't matter when or if your boyfriend has had sex. If he's good to you and treats you right that's what is important.
Thank you all for the responses. Sometimes it really helps to have others' perspectives on things, so I appreciate it.
And after reading the responses, I have opened my eyes a little. I agree, he is a very responsible, mature person. Obviously for a guy to refrain from sex until that age is very respectful and responsible. He's saving for a house, he has an awesome r'ship with his parents, etc. Most importantly, I feel great when I'm around him. He treats me like gold. I've never been with someone that is so open and honest with me, and that shows the type of caring that he does.
So really, I understand it's not so much about maturity, but in-experience. But that's ok with me. I want to give this a chance and see where it goes. Because he's got a lot of great qualities, and the experience can come with time.
thanks!
Morgan
I think you should just see where it goes.....inexperience can make or break a r'ship. I know for myself, I didn't want a man who was inexperienced in life, as I have lived it WAY too much. However, my dbf, as inexperienced in life as he is, he makes me see life in a different way....beyond paying bills, being the good girl, doing what is responsible, etc, etc, etc. I am not saying he's immature and irresponsible, but sometimes, inexperience can bring a whole new light on things.
As you said, sex with him wasn't bad, and with time can only get better. Also, you had said somewhere that he didn't seem inexperienced in that area. Well, who's to say he is in other areas too.
Personally, I was NOT happy having to "teach" dbf about thigns, and have gotten really tired of it, so basically I just stopped. So far, he's been picking up the slack, which is nice. To learn on his own about thigns. INstead of asking me, or making me do the research.
BTW, if dbf and I don't work out, I HIGHLY HIGHLY doubt I will EVER EVER get involved with someone who's "inexperienced" again. I hate it. lol. but that's me.