INSECURE! FLIPPing oUT!
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 04-07-2005 - 2:20am |
ARGH!
Ok. everytime my boyfriend and I are together, everything is so good. We work very well together... But every once in a while i get really insecure.
For instance, tonight I texted my bf and asked him to come chat with me online because I was bored. After 15 mins or so, he did. He tol dme he was working on a paper due tomorrow. So I don't talk much because I realize he is workin gon his paper. So I make comments and work om homework too. The converstaion was totally useless and unsubstaional, which was fine, because he is working on his paper. He types a small comment once every 10 mins. I think that's fine, because he is typing his paper, right? He types maybe a total of 15 lines over an hour. I think he is distracted, working on his paper, he is just keeping me company.
Then he says he needs to work on his paper! WTF... he was talking to me, only me and doing nothing else that whole time! When he said that, I thought, OMG, what a horrib;e conversation! what a waste! Thenn I thought... we have NOTHING to say to each other!?
This as happened several other times in person too.. We drove out to this place called Daffodil Hill, which is this big farm covered in daffodils for 3 weeks every year. We said virutally nothing to each other on the way there and on the way back. I tell myself he is tired. My attempts at conversation are lame because I have nothing to say to him because I dont do anythign worth tlaking baout and he already knows 90% of my stories because we talked so incessantly the first few months. He doesnt make attempts at conmversation in my opinion. This happens when we go out to dinner too.
If we are in bed together ( we dont have sex tho) we tlak and play and have fun, and are very relaxed, but now I am freaked out, is that it?! Is that all we have? We just play togher ( as in wrestle, and play fight) and THATS IT?!
Ok, what do you talk about with your SO's? IS this normal? Or are he and I going ot break up because there's nothing tehre? IS THERE nothing THERE? Recently I have been getting increasingly excited baout being with Dave and spending time otgether because it always feels so positive! I love him, but I am falling in love with him now, I love how he looks at me and treats me in person... but I feel so insecure too!
What the H*ll?! I don't get it!!!
All he does is work, and I work, and we both have 2 classes thats it. What do we talk about? When I think of my friends we gossip, talk about relationship issues, boys etc. Dave and I used to talk about our pasts, growing up , etc. Then periodically if anything in our mundane lives changes we give a sentence or two long update.....(lol)
ARGH!
What do we talk about??? What do you talk about? I s this normal?
HELP!
BTW Dave still doesnt know if he;s going to Washington DC, but i increasingly suspect the answer is "no" (YAY!)
Side question, what does DH stand for? and any other abbreviation you can think of that commonly come sup on these boards? I never know what they mean, I knoW SO, but the others I guess on...

Let me ask you something. Are you or him talkers to begin with? How are you with your friends? Do you do more talking, or more listening? Also, how are your conversations with other people? do you know how to make small talk?
I ask, because when I've been with men who don't talk, I'm talkative, so it's okay. the days I wasn't in a mood to talk, it'd be dead silence btwn us and it'd last all day. Cuz HE did not know how to talk.
My dbf (dear boyfriend), on the other hand is a talker, so for the most part, we talk about anything and everything. From cars, to the ocean, to the city we're in at the time, to dogs, to stupid things. WE also have a lot in common so that helps.
I wonder if you're both not talkers, don't know how to talk to ppl, don't konw how to make small talk, or have nothign really in common.
Is it possible that he is largely engrossed with the decisions he'll need to be making regarding Washington?
Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?
Hello!
I had to respond to this one, I swear to you word for word it could have been written by me!! My bf & i have been together for around 1 1/2 years, and the whole lack of conversation thing has been a big issue for me.. big.. huge!! He's never been much of a talker, so once we got past the whole honeymoon phase where we were finding everything out about each other, we would often break into the whole so-called "comfortable" silence thing.. Only for me it wasn't so comfortable, i had the EXACT same thoughts you did, ie "we have NOTHING to say to each other!?" and it completely freaked me out..
This has been a very soul searching relationship for me, and this issue made me look at myself, and realise most of my friends, ex bf's, family etc were/are talkers, so I didn't have to make the effort.. Now being with someone else who's not much of a talker at first made me realise that I'm not much of a talker myself, and this made me feel very uncomfortable, but i was reluctant to let the relationship go because this guy is amazing, and is pretty much PERFECT in all other respects..
It came down to expectations for me.. I thought we were supposed to be having all these deep meaningful conversations about love life and the universe.. all the TIME!! Time, research and a reality check showed me that conversation does not always come this easily.. you do have to work at it sometimes.. and sometimes you just enjoy the silence..
One thing that really helped me was i talked to him about it.. well.. in all honesty I had tantrums about it at first, then dbf calmed me down (he's good at that) & we rationally spoke about it.. He said to me that yes, he is a quiet person, but so was i, so we both had to make the effort. he also said that i am the person he speaks most to in his life, so after a point he's already TOLD me everything he has to say, and just plain has nothing to say and won't make conversation just to fill in silence... when he put it like that, it made me feel better... Now, while it's still not at the level I would find ideal, it is getting better every day, and i'm finding we ARE having the sorts of conversations I always wanted to have..
So my advice, after the long rambling above (sorry.. i'm in australia & it's 7.29am and i am at work.. eww..), is to maybe try talking to him about it.. and the whole "My attempts at conversation are lame" thing... ME TOO!! But the more i stressed about it, the less i had to say because i was so busy stressing about it.. if you're not a natural talker, your conversation does sound lame to your own ears, but i guarantee the person you're talking to is 99% not sitting there saying "yeah.. whatever.. BORING..".. at least i hope they're not!!
And i agree with other posters, ask questions!! Open ended ones, ie not ones that just require a yes/no answer..
i hope this helps.. if you can make sense out of the above.. lol.. if not, then please just take comfort that there is at least one other person out there that knows EXACTLY what you're going through!!
hugs,
dagoddess76