Needs some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Needs some advice
8
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 5:36pm
Hello everyone. I need some helpful advice from the readers here. I have been dating my boyfriend (sometimes Ex-boyfriend) off and on for almost two years now. We have broken up at least 5 times, in a consistent manner, each time a gap of about maybe a month or two at the most in between. Because we have communication issues and compromise issues.
Anyways, everytime we get back together, right away he always comes up with the same plans and goals he has for us, such as he is going to sell his house and we will move in together, we will do more things together, travel...etc...and he will work on his emotional detachment issues and lack of communication between us, there is more, but I will leave the petty stuff out. But he always makes all these plans and goals and promises all at once within the first 3 days we are back together. And then....all the sudden two months go by and we are back to the same routine and nothing has changed. We just got back together again, initiated by him, as well as the last three break-ups. He completely overwhelmes me with these promises, so much that I am beginning to get a headache now. I sort-of in a way dont believe in it and am surely starting to not rely on this relationship actually lasting anymore. I dont know what to think anymore. Why does he break up and then come crawling back to me all the time with the same promises? I know he loves me alot because I can tell, but why be so fickle?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 6:12pm

I think it's time for you to say, "if you truly want this r'ship to work WE BOTH need to make some massive changes".


I'm not sure why he goes and why he comes back, MAYBE it's because he's comfortable and is willing to stick it out, but isn't ready and/or willing to make it BETTER.


When I hear of couples that break up and get back with each other a lot, Ijust think, UNLESS somethign has changed EACH TIME for the better, this r'ship will never work.


You two need to do some growing as a couple and as people. Making promises, is as you learned the hard way, all talk until you back it up with action. Since you haven't seen anything at all, it needs to be discussed.


It sounds like you BOTH aren't ready to face the changes you need ot make and fall into a pattern. Remember, even if he falls into a pattern, so do you. It takes two ppl to have a r'ship, for it to fall into a pattern, and it takes two people to make it just like it was the first time you broke up, or the tenth. It also takes two people to fix the r'ship. I'm not sure what your side of the story is, on why you keep getting back with him, or if you're part of the problem of him breaking up, or not. However, something he needs to learn, is to NOT get your hopes up, only to disapoint.


HOw about this time around, you tell him, if I don't see change in both of us, and in our r'ship within one month, i'm outta here.


trust me, my r'ship with dbf turned around within




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 6:23pm
Hey cherbear. Thanks for the advice. Here is the catch. The reason why he breaks it off with me is because I remind him that we were supposed to have changed this and that, and remind him of all the promises he has made to change, and he feels I am nagging him. I have compromised and smoothed over the things I do that he does not agree with for the most part, so why cant he?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 6:41pm

Then there's your answer. If he can't change the things he says he will, why do you allow him back into your life? And then, why do you allow him to sweet talk you with promises that are never filled?


I would ASSUME the things he says you "nag" him about you bring up a few months later, when things have fallen into the same rut agian, yes?


My two cents. Suggest counseling. See how that flies. If he's willing, go. If he's adamant that nothing needs fixing, understand then that he sees the r'ship problems as YOUR problems, not his. And in that case, I dunno, something to think about, and maybe someone to leave behind.


Lastly. It sounds like he wants to be with you, for whatever reasons, but isn't ready nor willing to make the changes necessary to make the r'ship a good one for BOTH of you. I feel he keeps coming back 1. because he knows you'll take him bakc and it's okay to fall back into the old pattern, cuz you've allowed it, and 2. because it's comfortable, he doesn't have to change anything nor really try, 3. he can tell you all you want to hear, and you'll take him back even if he doesn't follow up.


Yes, he could love you, care about you, blah blah blah. but the truth remains, love and caring won't sustain a r'ship, only the will to BE there and WORK on it to make it better for BOTH parties is the reason a r'ship can fair bad times.


I just wanted to say, when dbf and I fight, sometimes I'm so ready to just leave the guy, and he says, "we'll work on it and find that middle ground" and I realize, he understands now, what it takes to make the r'ship work. it takes BOTH of us, working on ourselves and the r'ship, and sometimes compromising, and it also shows me he's WILLING to do the hard work, and he DOES do the work. That's why I stay. Why do you (beyond love, caring, cute bod)?




my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 6:46pm
Thanks again. Do you really want to know the reason why I stay? I take him back because I am trusting and always want to have faith in him, and believe that if he can truly change these things that break us apart, everytime, that it will be a great relationship. You have assumed right, I "nag" after about a month or so when I see things are the same again. I am going to have the talk you suggested....again....tonight with him. And tell him that if things do not begin to evolve, that I am out the door!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 7:24pm

Faith is a good thing to have.....but there's a point where faith turns you into a 'hoping' doormat, and leaving you with an unhappy r'ship.


I would say, have faith if he chooses to TRULY make the changes necessary, have faith in him ONLY if he SEES the issues and are willing to make them. If you have faith that he'll change, I hate to say it, but after FIVE times of breaking up, it's time to realize your faith wont' change him.........and it's time to walk.


Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. How many times has he fooled you?


But if you want to have faith this one last time, realize that if he doesn't make the effort now, it'll never happen (or if it does, it'll be too late in your eyes).


Let me ask you this. you have faith in him changing to make the r'ship great, however, do you have trust in him to do the things he says?


I had faith in my abusive xbf that he'd realize what he's doing and stop. to this day, he chalks his beating the crap out of me, up to "being young". instead of the truth, that he's got issues.


Someteims, faith is good, sometimes its false hope. What is it now to you?





my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 1:33pm
Ok, listen. I don't think you 2 should be together, I mean I don't mean to be so blunt, but it's the truth, you don't want a guy that's going to be on and off with what he wants. He has to be sure he loves you for a lifetime, if not you will never be able to marry him. I know how much you must care for him, but it's only going to hurt you if you keep going back and forth with him, you need a steady ground. Someone who's going to be there for you through the thick and thin times. You shouldn't have to put up with a guy that is so fickle, it's not fair to you at all. If you want to be happy, I would end it with him for good. It'll save you the confusion, besides you deserve better than someone who doesn't know what they want. There's a great guy out their waiting for you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 1:24pm
Hi there. You are not Blunt at all. We broke up....again!! Haha. I knew it was a bad thing when he bought us a Joint Membership at a fitness club that was pretty expensive a few weeks before we actually parted. (While he was buying it, I was thinking; 'What is the point, I know we are going to break up again') Needless to say, I dont go to that gym anymore! I know this much is true; I dont want a Dsyfunctional relationship. And....furthermore, I cannot stand Fickle Men either, so I know where my heart is and it is surely not with my Ex. So thank you very much for your support. It is always good to hear encouragement. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 11:24pm
Hey, u welcome....I'm always here for good advice, I like giving advice so anytime u need I'm here, take care!