What do I say or not say?
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| Fri, 04-08-2005 - 7:55pm |
Hi,
I wrote my story in a posting on March 26 (I included this below) and I asked for some advice on what to do. I got some good feedback and support from some of the members on this board encouraging me to return to the gym (where my ex- works). I felt confident with my decision to go back and felt good about the feedback I received however, I am feeling a little nervous about things. I plan to go back in 3 weeks (May 1) during the second week of my internship at a school nearby. I have been feeling nervous because I wonder how I will feel when I see him. It's been about 8 months since I last saw him and I am a little scared of how I will react. Will there be any feelings there or will Ibe nervous around him if he approaches me? What do I say? I practiced what I would say to him - that I don't want to talk to him; I have no respect for him after the way he treated me but I feel nervous about it. I guess because of my personality and the way that I am, I am the bitchy or aggressive type so I am afraid that I won't be tough enough. I just want to be myself but I'm not sure how to handle the situation if he approaches me. Also, I keep wondering if I will feel uncomfortable working out there but not talking to him while I'm there. I have a lot on my mind and I think I am making myself more nervous and anxious about the situation than maybe what it is.
Does anyone have anything that they would like to share with me to help me through this situation? Should I forgive him? I keep reading all this material about forgiveness and how forgiveness helps to release stress and bring peace to the person who decides to forgive. I'm having a hard time with forgiving. How do you forgive? How do you let go of the pain and hurt that someone has caused you?
Thanks.
Hi,
I met my ex- 2 years ago at the end of the summer. I am now 33 and he is 35. I really liked him and was attracted to him and he felt the same way about me. We dated and I really felt happy. I returned to school in September 2003 and we kept in touch by phone and e-mail. I saw him on weekends when I came home. While we were seeing eachother, he kept telling me that he was lucky to be with me, he couldn't believe how nice I was and that he felt so relaxed around me and all those wonderful things that you like to hear. (I feel so naive looking back now). Anyways, before going back to school, he told me that he wanted some space because he wasn't ready for a relationship. He said that he wanted to clean the s#@% off of his plate. He said this to me but it didn't keep him from contacting me and wanting to be with me. While I was in school, he got back with his ex- which I did not even know about. There were times when I didn't hear from him for a while and wondered what was going on but never thought about there being another woman. Looking back now, it made perfect sense.
I saw him at Christmas and he told me that he was pretty sure that I was the right one but he is not ready yet. What do I do? Believe that he is being honest with me and hold on. January, I decide to move on and forget about him but I miss him so I called him in the middle of January and things pick up from there until February. He tells me that he wants to visit me, blah, blah, blah and we have this wonderful conversation. I get off the phone and feel wonderful. This is Feb. 8, 2004. I don't hear from him again.
I have a difficult time concentrating and focusing on school that final year but I made it even though I finished late due to my stressing over this person that I fell in love with. I return home from school in May (excited to see him because I figured he wanted his space so I gave it to him) only to find out that he is engaged to his ex-. I was completely shocked and hurt. It has taken me a while to deal with that but I'm still having a hard time with things. By the way, he didn't tell me about the engagement. A mutual friend did. I later saw him three weeks later and he told me that he wanted to tell me but that he was afraid - I think he is a coward. I don't think that he would have even told me. I was still going to the same gym (where he was working at) even though his fiance was there too. I don't think I really let it sink it until after I decided to leave because I was going back to school. Yes, again. lol. Teachers' College. I think I was feeling confused with my feelings because I couldn't believe that he didn't want to be with me after saying all those things to me. I believed that he still wanted to be with me because he would tell me, (still engaged) that he thought of me, drove by my house and felt like he made a mistake by proposing to his fiance. He even wanted to be with me but I turned him down, twice. I am glad that I did because I am not that type of person.
While in school, I was able to move on and not think about him because I was so busy but I did have moments where I cried and thought of him. There were a lot of reminders and it would take me back to when I was with him. It's hard now too because certain songs, or places bring back memories. I just found out a few weeks ago that he is getting married in September and I was surprised. I didn't think that it would happen. I know it's the next step but I guess I didn't expect him to get married. Maybe I didn't want him to. He even contacted me in Nov. 2004 by e-mail (2 messages) wondering how I was doing and he told me that he was thinking of me. It hurt and I was upset by the message because I was confused.
I am having a hard time dealing with this and I have been trying to figure out why. I did want him back at first because I wanted to give us a chance but now I realize that I wouldn't trust him because he was dishonest and disloyal towards me. He was my first and I think that's another reason why this has been painful for me. He told me to trust him when I was with him the first time and the naive and innocent person that I am, did. When my mom said, never trust anybody, I should have listened more carefully.
I am angry with him and feel resentment towards him. I was too nice when I found out about the engagement and calm towards him. I didn't freak out or tell him off or anything like that because I am not like that. I did care about him and loved him. However, after having some time to deal with my emotions and sorting through what happened in the past 2 years, I figured out a lot of things which is painful. I feel dumb for not paying closer attention to the signs and red flags. They were there but I ignored them because I had never been with anyone and really enjoyed his companionship. I didn't want to lose it.
I have a lot of anger, hurt and resentment towards him and her for some reason. She told him to stay away from me when I didn't even do anything wrong. I didn't even know what was going on. I feel like I was caught in a wind storm; picked up, taken for a fast ride and then spit out. I'm still harbouring anger towards myself because I felt like I didn't treat myself with respect either. I put up with a lot of bull and I wish that I had spoken up more.
I want to move on but I am still feeling this pain. I will also be returning to the gym where he works, at the end of April because I will be working nearby. If I went to another gym it would take me at least 40 minutes to get there because I am heading in the opposite direction, in traffic. A part of me wants to go back because I want to be able to walk in with my head held high and feel proud of myself for moving on. I felt like 'the other woman' when I was at the gym (where he works)last year. I think people use to see him flirting and teasing with me and thought that there was something going on but not many people knew that we dated. When his ex- came back in the picture, people saw them together so it was awkward for me. I don't really know what people know but they are not dumb. I like the members there and enjoyed the club itself. It's a friendly environment and that's what I liked about it but it's different now because of what has happened.
My ex- use to train me and I got into really good shape. I have put on some weight because of the stress from school and the painful break-up but I have been really working on getting my life on track and being happy for me. I am getting back to working out and eating healthy because I want to feel good about myself. I don't want to feel like they (my ex- and his new lady) pushed me away. I don't want to feel like they are in control. I know that I shouldn't think of it in this way because it was probably a wise decision to leave. However, since I will be working in the area, it's the only closest one there and a part of me wants to go back because I want to show him that I am strong and worthy. I don't think that I want to talk to him anymore. I was trying to decide what to do if he tried to talk to me and I decided that I would tell him that I didn't want to talk to him. If he said anything more, than I could tell him that what he did was cowardly and that I have no respect for him and leave it at that but I'm not sure.
What do you think? I want to be emotionally and mentally ready for when I go back, and physically ready too. lol. I have been working out and I am busting my a@# off the next 4-5 weeks doing strength training so I can look as good as I did last year. :)
Thanks for listening and thanks in advance for your words of wisdom.

Hi,
I was hoping to get some feedback with regards to my situation but I haven't heard back from anyone. I was just wondering if I could get some thoughts on my situation. Is my posting too long? I don't know what to think because I haven't heard anything and I posted yesterday. I don't mean to be a pain and I hope I'm not. I just wanted some input.
Thanks.