Relationship vs boyfriend??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Relationship vs boyfriend??
6
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 1:27am

Hi guys,

Just a quick question, and probably a strange one from my overanalytical brain.. How do you tell if it's the relationship that is important to you, or the person that's important?

Reason: Dbf & I have been together for about 1 1/2 years, I'm a young 28 and he's an old 22. We mostly work well, but it's been a bit rocky lately.. It's his first relationship, and my first long term relationship (previous ones have lasted a record 4 months)and I guess I have been putting all these rules on the relationship, which I know is not good, but having not been in a ltr before, I think I'm just trying to define what i need.. But then I had the thought over the weekend that maybe it's not him that is important to me, that it is the relationship, and since this thought has entered my brain I feel like I've been going nuts..

So just wondering if (a) my rambling makes sense, and (b) how do you know??

Thanks and many warm hugs!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 12:50pm

So what do u mean by rocky? Arguing over little things, lack of attention, things not the same?

Sometimes a person can want a relationship regardless of who the person is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 1:15pm

Sometimes in relationships, we tend to rely and get really comfortable with the companionship aspect of the relationship... instead of the person aspect of the relationship. And simply, I think this is what you are experiencing right now.

However, for me (personally) - I have learned that over time, the person aspect of the relationship is far more important than the companionship aspect of the relationship. But it's when we loose the companionship aspect, we tend to falsely "think" that it's the person that we miss, when that's really not the case.

Now, did that make sense to you? I hope that it did.

Toodles, Honey.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 1:28pm

This is how you know.....................


Imagine you two broke up, for any reason other than cheating, lying, abuse. Basically something that may have been mutual.


Now ask yourself, what do you feel you'll hurt about? Do you miss the aspects of the r'ship, or the man?


When I got divorced, the second time, I realized I was crying over the loss of the future I had planned out. I was crying over the love. I was crying over pretty




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 2:42pm
That exactly what I was trying to express. As humans we desire companionship but the question really is do we like the person we are with and even more, do we like ourselves when we are with that person.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 2:53pm

I didn't have much to add in the way of advice, but I do appreciate that question and you being on the board.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 11:11pm

Hi everyone!!

Firstly, thank you for all your replies, it did give me food for thought over the weekend.. (Can only access internet via work, blah)..

In response to questions raised..

Fashionsista - my rocky relationship - I think is due to my expectations.. When I was single, all I wanted was someone who would call when they said they would, was not just after a physical thing, would go out with me, go on holidays with me & that sort of stuff. Well. I got ALL that, and more with my current beautiful boy.. But I think the more I get, the more I want, and he tries so hard to accomodate me, and THAT irritates me, coz I'm saying, 'stand up for yourself!' because i don't WANT to be the nasty nagging girlfriend.. So this creates a bit of tension, but he is starting to stand up for himself and put me in my place (which i sorely need, I can admit that freely..)

Cher, in response to your wonderful post, we have been through the 'maybe we should break up then' conversation, and what i think when it is happening (apart from a voice screaming in my head going 'don't do it, no no no you'll regret it') is sort of a combination of "i will never find a guy as good to me as he is"; "why am i hurting him like this" and "there we go, I've stuffed it up well & truly now"..

My previous relationships have been few & far between, and have never lasted beyond 'honeymoon'.. in between current and previous bf there was about 6 years.. There have been flings and flirtations and fwb's and one night stands and that sort of thing in between.. but actual relationships - this will be my fourth. And the only one over 4 months long..

Rules - again, not sure if I am just trying to define what i need, but basically it's stuff like we need to see each otehr x times a week, we need to have this effortless flowing conversation (THAT one's been the cause of a few disagreements, but that's getting better), we need to do this, do that, bla blah.. And i don't want to be like that!! I want it to be him that is important to me.. There is so much in him that is good and wonderful and beautiful.. But it sometimes feels like I have overanalysed and picked apart this relationship SO much, there's no other option than to give up.. but i can't do that either.. *sigh*..

But again, thank you for all your responses, and Steffy for the welcome to the board.. I've been lurking for a while, you people are all so intelligent!! :) :)

xxx many warm hugs xxx