We broke up

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
We broke up
10
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 8:18am
Ok,
well I just got dumped this past weekend ( i think) he wasn't very clear. He asked me what I though about our relationship, i of course threw the question back at him. he said he didn't know, that there were things in his life that he was neglecting, and that in the past, he would break it off relationships because he was too critcal of the girl he was dating but relized now that it was actually him.
he also said that there did not seem to be a lot of communication between us, yet when i asked him a direct question he was like "i don't know". I told him that i cared a lot for him, that i wanted to be with him, but i was not going to beg him to stay with me. the whole thing felt like a friggin test.
i finally told him that I guess with the direction that the conversation was going, that i should grab my belongings and leave. he didn't stop me. so i grab my stuff, walked in the bathroom to take a breath and proceeded to leave. As i was walking out the door he asked me if i was ok. that totally set me off. I was like no, he had put his hand on my shoulder and told him not to touch me.....then told him not to call me. I am so hurt! I don't understand how the previous weekend, he blew over a thousand dollars for a spa birthday getaway for us....i assumed that since he was spending so much money that he really was into me. why do men do that kind of crap??? the worst part about it is i forgot some of my stuff at his place and want it back...... but i hesitate to call since i am really emotional, and don't want him to think that it is a ploy to get him back..... god i hate him so much right now!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
In reply to: scamida
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 12:43pm

This is only my opinion. It sounds like you two didn't communicate very well. YOU ASSUMED many things instead of staying and getting to the bottom of things. And when he said "I don't know" instead of accepting it, did you ask him to elaborate?


I know you may not want to hear this, but also, assuming that just because a man spends money on you, does NOT mean that he's sooo into you. I have had men spend tons of money on me, only to either leave me, or to just want sex with me. Money doesn't mean everything. Maybe to you, buying you that would've meant YOU were into HIM, however, you have to learn not to place your values on other people. Meaning, just cuz you'd do ABC for XYZ reason, does not mean if a guy did ABC it'd mean the same thing. To him, it could mean LMN. Does that make sense?


Hugs. I know you were really into this guy. My two cents. Tell him you need to get your stuff, and tell him you'd like to talk one last time because you need to make sure you are understanding him correctly. So set a time. Go. And then talk to him. Understnad him. Don't allow "I don't know's" to stop you. Ask him to elaborate, or ask why he doesn't know. He said you aren't communicating, I'd have to agree. Our first instinct is to just accept what they say, instead of asking more. Talk to him. Ask him what he wants. Tell him you're confused about what he wanted. Is it over? Tell him you need direct answers. Yes or no. Not a maybe, not a story, yes or no.


I used to do that same thing, and am still trying to fix it. I know days later I'll have to call up my dbf and ask questions cuz I'm all confused and I realize LATER that HIS answers didn't make any sense, or that he NEVER really answered the question (he's good at that, answering, but the answer makes no sense to the question, but it throws me off and I accept the answer. I have had to learn to understand his answers.....and then question him more).


Hugs. Stay strong.





my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
In reply to: scamida
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 12:59pm
How do you get one to elborate if he couldn't even tell me that he wanted the relationship to end? you are right Cher, i do assume way too much..... and accept the stock answers, it is much easier to do this than deal with issue that could be emotionally painful......
he once made a comment to me about in the past he ended relationship first beacause he feared rejection..... i should have taken that into consideration and ran like hell..... Cher, I am TERRIFIED to call him to get my stuff, let alone talk to him right now.... I feel so crappy and don't want him to see me this way...do you think i should wait a couple weeks?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
In reply to: scamida
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 1:17pm

If you emotionally can't talk to him right now, I"d email him, tell him you'd like to get your stuff and talk about this, but that you need some time. To get yourself together.


Also, are you afraid of talking to him now cuz you'll cry, break down, or what? I ask, only because if you're afriad ot show your emotions in front of him, that's not good. If it's because emotionally you're a total wreck and can't even think straight, that's a whole nother reason.


Well, if you asked him if he wanted the r'ship to end, and he said "I don't know" that is when it was time to say, "are you afriad of something? do you think it's because of this or that? is it me? I need to know yes or no, if it's over. I will need to move in. I can't live in limbo. However, if you need me to, I am here to help you figure out what you want, one way or another".


I kinda did this with my bf. It's not easy, because you can't just say, "screw you" and walk out. It's not easy cuz you have to face up to the fact that if you help him find the answer, it could mean the end. However, most times, when




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
In reply to: scamida
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 1:25pm
I pretty much did say screw you :) right now i am an emotional wreck, and would probably end up throwing up on his shoes. thinking about it, there truly was no closure, I reacted and left. He probably thinks i am crazy....
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
In reply to: scamida
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 1:32pm

I think you were hurt and reacted just to be spiteful and end it first, so he couldn't have the last word. Correct me if I'm wrong, by all means. But I'll be honest, what you did, sounds just like me...until I learned how to control things more.


Many times, I have overreacted out of hurt and fear. It's the WORST time to be irrational, yet, there I was, throwing a tantrum because I watned to hurt HIM, instead of feeling the hurt. And later, all you do is hurt more than them.


My two cents. Email him, tell him you're sorry for overreacting, but that you two should talk and either finish this up officially or see what you can figure out. Emotional basket-case or not. cuz the longer you wait, the longer he'll assume it's over and move on.




my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
In reply to: scamida
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 1:49pm
I am so mentally fogged, I have no idea what to say in my e mail. I would probably end up making the situation worse, and I am a bit scared of rejection if ultimately he does not want me..... I did go back to his place that night b/c he owed me money. he handed me the cash and a couple CD''s i lent him. when he did that i kinda felt like that was his way of telling me that we were done. have you ever wished that you could crawl into someones head to see what the hell was going on?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
In reply to: scamida
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 2:09pm
Totally understand. I hope you get more replies then, cuz I'm not sure what to say or suggest anymore.



my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
In reply to: scamida
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 2:11pm
thanks so much cher......you have helped a lot!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
In reply to: scamida
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 2:49pm

YES YES YES...I've wanted to crawl into someone's head and see what is going on.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
In reply to: scamida
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 2:55pm
yes! i am taking a mini vacay this week, so when my head is a bit clear i think i will shoot him an email. i truly hate him right now......... :(