Should I throw in the Towel?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2005
Should I throw in the Towel?
5
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 1:59pm
My exboyfriend recently lost his father, about 3 months. His fathers death was very unexpected and it really hurt my exboyfriend. I have tried all my best to be supportive and understanding. When his dad died, he had so much responsibility on his shoulders. He had to take care of his mother, little sister & brother and help with the funeral, etc, etc. I tried all I could to be there for him but on Valentines Day (of all days) he broke up with me. He said he felt numb and didn't have feelings for things like he used too and that he didn't want to drag me through it. I was devasted we have been together for 4 years (off & on). Everything was also going so well before this and I just couldn't understand why he didn't want me at such a crucial time. BUt what was more hurtful was that he didn't even want me to go to his dad's funeral, he said I lived too far ( I live 1 hr away) and it wasn't necessary. But all his friends were there. I resented him for that and also when I wanted to see him he had all the excuses in the world on how busy he was. But yet, he would mention how he went out with his cousin or friends, but yet had no time for me.
Anyway, since then I decided to be a good friend and I gave him all the space he needed because I understand people grief in their own ways. I don't really call him but I made sure I'm available when HE wants to talk and he calls me every Sunday like clock work. Last Sunday, we were talking and he mentioned how all his bills were due and he was a little short, so instead of letting him be late on his payments, I lent him the money. I didn't have any problem doing it because I know that he'll repay me in a week or so. He was so appreciative and I was happy to help. He also mentioned he wanted to help me on an essay I was writing. Later that week, I realized I really missed him so I asked to see him, we had such a good convo earlier in the week, I thought why not.But yet, he had more excuses.
I've had it now!, I don't know why he doesn't want to see me but yet calls me and talks to me and I just hate being in the back burner and I'm at the point where I'm gonna let him go and just cut ties with him. I love him very much and I understand that he is griefing but all I'm asking for is just to see him and he can't do that..........Please help should I throw in the towel?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 2:26pm

Hugs. I'm not sure what to say, but this shows me a lot about what your r'ship would be like. Basically, if the going gets tough in his life, he's ready to cut and run, and he will. He will also, HAPPILY keep you "on-call" and "use" you as he pleases. This bothers me a LOT!!!


Okay, I can understand grieving and all that, but what he's doing to you now, is selfish and screwed up. He's basically using you, and keeping you as "back-up" for when he chooses to ask for you back.


I personally think that when couples are "on and off" it's bound to be doomed. And his actions for the last three months are going BEYOND grieving. I mean, I understand 3 months isn't a lot for the death of his father, however, he's basically using you. And well, unfortunately YOU are ALLOWING it.


My two cents. I wouldn't be so "available" and see what happens. And if he gets upset that you're not "there for him" that means he's using you. I mean, for him to expect you to be there whenever he wants, is wrong, especially if he can't even be there for you once. Hugs. I think he's chosen his path, as much as it may hurt, I think it's for the best. I know I wouldn't want a man, who could be a husband, throw me out, or want a separation or whatnot, because he's going thru hard times. Men who run, will always be men who run. And I know that's not what I want. Is that waht you want?




my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2005
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 2:36pm
Cher, Your right! Thats my concern as well. What if we did get married and got forbid we have tough times does that mean he will just bail on me because he feels like it? I'm the complete opposite, I sit and fight for what I believe in and this is tough because as much as I do care about him, I need to think of me and let it go. He is a user and I will stop being his door mat. I deserve much better!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 2:40pm

Not to go too far back and too far off topic, but why is it that you didn't go to his Dad's funeral?

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2005
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 2:54pm
Steffy, Your right I should have gone to the funeral and I take responsibility for that but I didn't know where it was. Yes, this is an excuse but when I told him I wanted to go and he said I don't want you to go. I was hurt so I backed off instead of I guess going to his house the day of and asking other ppl. I was hurt and I just left it alone. I definetely will not be taking any calls on Sunday and also won't be too quick to return the calls. I just can't believe he is being soooo selfish! And if there was something else going on, I wish I knew what it was.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 10:31am
Don't close the door completely. But i say you show him that you will still be there to help him emotionally but make yourself unavailable at the same time. Do you understand? Be there whenever he really needs you, but once talk to him for a few minutes when he calls on Sundays, cut it short and to the point if he is okay and not upset. I understand that you want to be there while he greieves but some people have to be broken to their limit before they open their eyes to find what has been in front of them all along. Make him worried about you now because it sounds that you have worried about him long enough.
Good Luck it is a hard situation.
I hope that you find some peace with it all.