Will he hit me?!?!
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| Mon, 04-11-2005 - 3:31pm |
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half almost. He's an older 22 and i'm a younger 25. He is very loving and takes care of me. WE do not live together. He is from Africa and I am from Asia. Anyways, here's the whole deal...he said that he feels i do not respect him. Let me tell u why he thinks that way. Whenever we play around and wrestle, something happens inside of me and i get aggressive physically, start hitting him and i have scratched his neck while choking him.
((I was molested by several men ever since i was little and i am still angry at men. Even with other men i have been with, when they get upset or they're hurt.. I am numb. Even though on the outside i am trying to be comforting, I usually don't feel a thing on the inside. I feel calm inside even if the man is crying. I don't feel pain that I hurt him or caused him grief, even if he loves me. I know I probably deserve to be stoned and flogged but I am being honest here. When females cry, I cannot stop from crying myself even if i don't know them. I derive pleasure when i see men suffer. I love my Dad but every man that I could be sexually intimate with... i love to play them. I love breaking hearts. I want to get rid of this angst inside of me. I have not been able to. I broke my x bf;'s heart. We were together for 5 years and he believed he was going to marry me. This guy i'm with now has told me he wants me to be his wife. He introduces me to his friends as his "wife", his "love". I am attractive on the outside( the inside needs much work done), I am driven, succesful, charismatic and usually get attention from men everywhere i go. They don't know it but i enjoy myself at their expense. anyways... hope that gives it some context.))
Yesterday we( me and my current bf) got in a huge fight. I said something judgemental and he basically told me to stop the car so he could get out. WE were on the highway and i said no. He put his hands on the staring wheel and basically forced it onto the sidepavement. Then he put it in park and said... "you treat me like s***, you put your hands on me. You think because i love you that you can treat me however you want. I dont hit you because you're a woman and because i love you. Don't abuse that.. whatever".
Anyways... i was like, fine. and i took him home. He called me later to talk about it. He came over and we were sitting in his car. He told me how he felt and that he was sorry to act so violently. Then i started talking and said something about him being an idiot. He had been asking me why i'm even with him if i don't love him. I didn't say anything. I do love him.. but mostly i love the way he treats me( when he's not mad). Anyways, he was soooooo enraged.... and i mean ENRAGED! he said... "oh you hate men... wait! i'm gonna leave you somewhere and you'll have to find your way home and then you'll really hate em." He flies out the parking lot and almost hits some lady's car. When he stops to see if the other car's ok... he gets even more upset and has the audacity to say "whenever i'm with you... i run into problems... why do i stay with you? why do i love you? why why why?"... the lady's car was ok. so he starts driving like a reckless lunatic and starts banging on his staring wheel, he's banging his fists hard into the staring column... very very frustrated. Well, i'm kinda scared we're gonna hit somebody so i plead with him to slow down. He slows down when we finally get on the highway and says "oh! you're not soo tough anymore, are you... are you scared now?". He continues talking... " i know what happenned to you in your past but why can;t you get it through your head that not all men are the same. Why do you take your anger out on me? why do you hit me and bully me like i'm them? i respect you..why can't you do the same"?
He finally pulls into a resturant's parking lot and asks me to go in with him. I told him i didn't need to. He says "please.. go in and let's get a drink of water or wipe your face." I was like.. whatever. so i go into the bathroom.
WE drive back and he takes me home. Well... he ends up coming to church where i was. He told me he needed to be by himself. So i let him.
WE ended up going home to my parent's house. (He loves my parents) and he helped my dad do some work around the house. Then we all had dinner together. He left on good terms. Kissed me, hugged me, told me he loved me.
Today he came by my work and brought me some tea.
I know i can be a coldhearted b***** but I do care for the guy. I have always protected my heart cuz i decided no man would ever have emotional power over me to hurt me. They hurt me physically but i decided not to give anyone my heart. All the men i have dated have said.. "i love you" long before i said it to them. This guy i'm with now is hard working, he's driven, he's attractive, sweet as pie to me, takes care of me even in little things like cooks for me, takes my shoes off when we get home from a night out, tells me he can help me fix my hair if i want to, helps me with my car, has helped my parents in several things, helped me pick out a new car for my parents etc.
My question is... is this guy someone who i should be wary of and leave cuz he might explode later if we get married? Is he someone who would hit me even if he says he wouldn't just cuz he gets so mad? What if one day he just decided he wants to hit a person instead of a thing? I'm gonna have to get a gun and shoot him.
Help pleasE!

My short two cents.
Leave him and get some help.
My longer advice, he's right that you can't treat him that way and expect him to stay. He's right that it sucks to be out of control, doesn't it (like when he was driving crazily)? He's right that you have absolutely NO respect for men AT ALL.
However, with what you wrote, one day, it'll all get out of control, you will, he will, and yes, he may hit you, hurt you, even kill you. Hence, leave him.
But you also need some serious therapy to deal with and move beyond what had happened to you when you were younger. Forever punishing men, because they "punished" you, makes you no better than the men who molested you. The only difference is that you're abusing men physically and emotionally, not sexually.
Please, get some help, before it's too late.
hi,
It sounds more like to me he was enraged/frustrated with the way you have been treating him. I wouldn't worry about him so much as YOU. It's apparent from your post that you've got some serious psychological issues to work out (rightfully so), molestation is detrimental to anyone who experiences it and you can't get over this on your own. If it was that easy, you would have been done it by now - right? You sound very bitter and angry in your post, almost like you're getting pleasure from it. Those feelings aren't normal.
Please for your sake and the sake of any man you come in contact with -GET PROFESSIONAL HELP!!!
Good luck and keep us posted.
E.
I am sorry to hear about what you went through when you were younger. Nobody should have to go through abuse - including your BF. I agree with iejones - you need to seek counseling. Your BF probably won't hit you but will probably leave you. I suspect there's a kind person inside of you just crying to get out, so please - get help soon.
Best of luck to you
Maryanne0424
Thank you all for your candid replies. I appreciate taking the time to read my everlastingly lost post. I just realized how freakishly long it was.
Anyways.. keep em comin and thankz again.
I plan to look into some counselling for women with jacked up pasts and get some issues resolved.
lucy :)
Hi Lucy,
I too can relate to your past. I was molested as a child and its something that I still deal with to this day. As a result of what happened to me as a child, I have not been able to be intimate with a man because psychologically I think it will hurt sooo much that I will not be able to bear it. I know consciously that its crazy but I'm still battling. I started counseling about 3 months ago and there has been some progress but it doesn't change over night. I think you have someone who cares about you and if you ever want to be able to heal so you can have a healthy relationship, you desperately need to seek counseling. It was difficult to admit that I had a problem and needed help but it was well worth it.
Good Luck to you!