Do men have to fight to be right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Do men have to fight to be right?
6
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 3:36pm

I need an answer in a context that I can weave into a conversation with my boyfriend - who is usually as sweet as can be but is very accident-prone, not very forward thinking, and um, not familiar with city ordinances regarding the disposal of toxic and/or flammable substances ;)

So...Why do men react to women getting irritated with their oafish behavior, by turning and launching their own personal attack? By oafish, I don't mean deliberate, mean-spirited things. I am talking about when they knock things over, break things, kill plants, ruin delicate china or brand new teflon with an SOS pad, rinse out a gascan in the kitchen sink, etc. And by irritated, I don't mean yelling or calling names. I mean getting that visibly disappointed/upset/frustrated look and explaining that this is really NOT how I wanted you to do this and I should have told you to do it this other way, but I really thought that you knew how to do this...so now there's a personal attack on ME and correct me if I'm wrong but it would be really, really dumb for me to end up apologizing for something HE did wrong. That has happened to me before, and it just didn't sit right. Made me resentful. What to do?? What to say??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 3:50pm
No answer for you. ALl I know is that my dad is the same way. It's taken him over 30 years to figure out how not to mess thigns up. I hope someone else has an answer, cuz I know I'd turn into the nagging bitch all men hate.



my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 4:08pm
Exactly, I am sure he sees me as the nagging bitch! After breaking/permanently marring several things in one day, all of which I witnessed and threw my hands up at, he had the temerity to tell me I made HIM a nervous wreck. I never once did or said anything condescending or mean, in fact I would say "dammit!" and cry. It's just that he must have felt so bad he took it all as a personal attack and then turned around and launched one on me while I was crying! Ugh, it's just not fair that I should have to walk on eggshells and rehearse some carefully worded response that he won't attack ME for, when he's the one who messed up. I just talked to him and said, "I don't understand why YOU'RE angry with ME." His respose? "I know you don't." I don't know if I can live like that. I also don't know if I can live in fear that he's going to accidentally blow my house up, or die in a freak gardening accident. I love him, but he is so frustrating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 4:22pm
Did you ask him to EXPLAIN to you why he's mad at you? When in fact, HE'S the one thta did a lot of damage in the house?



my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 4:59pm
It should work like that, shouldn't it? That's what I was leading into when I said I didn't know why HE was angry with ME. He said he'd talk to me later, when he picked me up from work. I just can't deal with this. He is too fragile. His grandfather did just pass away, but everyone was expecting it, including him. Because of that, I am being extra careful to not make him feel stupid or bad, but I have to put in my two cents with ideas for ways to not break my house. It's my house, my stuff. I think he must already feel stupid, and so he takes it all the wrong way. All I know is, he's threatening to break up with me over it, which I think is babyish: "You are going to drive me away one of these days." or "I am going to just stay at my mom's for the rest of the time I'm here, you won't have to see me."
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 5:26pm

Hugs. and good luck with the talk. I'm not sure what he's thinking, but he needs to take a chill pill. I mean, when you ruin/break/destroy things, you need to realize that yes, it can be an accident, but when it keeps happening, I wonder, how dense can you be?


BTW, I would NEVER marry someone like my father, cuz my father CAN be dense about things. intead I have always found men who were open to learning and growing. And LISTENING to me, when I say, "hey, don't do that, cuz you may break this or that".


Lastly. A man once said, "the best way to never have to do laundry is to shrink/dye/ruin your gf/w's favorite piece of clothing. The best way to never have to do dishes is to break her favorite piece of china. The best way to never do something.....is to act and look stupid so that SHE'LL do it and think you're too stupid to do it".


I wonder..........




my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 6:06pm
OMG! I was joking w/him about that this weekend. He was helping me w/little stuff and was acting all confused. I told him I knew that he knew what to do, he couldn't fool me and get out of doing the work! He said, "You think I'm pretending?" Maybe that's when he got all hurt. Who knows. We're having a head-to-head tonight.