He wants us to move in with him

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
He wants us to move in with him
4
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 9:48pm

Hello everyone, I am new to posting....but have lurked for awhile.

I need some opinions and someone to play "Devil's advocate" to help me make a very big decision. I am 34, my boyfriend is 50. We have known each other since July, but didn't really start dating until September. I have 2 children, 6 & 13....been separated from a 13 year marriage since May.

My boyfriend & I have gotten pretty serious, especially over the last couple of months. He wants to get married & wouldn't mind having another child (not forcing the issue, just letting me know that he is open to it) I don't think Im quite ready to take that leap, just yet....I just filed for my divorce last week!!! He's o.k. with not doing it right away, but definately something he wants. I do love him, I just don't want to rush to marriage.

He has been staying at my home every night, the only time he goes home anymore is to check the mail. My oldest had problems with it at first, but I have talked to him about how I feel about both of them & even mentioned the possibility of moving in with him. He wasn't really thrilled at the initial shock, but has really come around & they have been having those man to man talks. I know that he would be a very good male influence in my children's lives, their Dad is 600 miles away & it's difficult to parent a teenager from such a distance.

This is where the story gets a bit long....Where I live, I only rented because I was taking custody of my niece & nephew & had to have a larger place to accomodate them (yes, I had 4 children at one time) Recently, I did have to turn them back to the State (story within itself) Now, since the changes in my family situation, this place is really not where I want to be.

Im not sure what to do now, like I said I do love him. Financially, it would be a good decision for both of us....he own's his home & wants to buy adjoining land to put in both our names. As great as it sounds, here I am looking for advice. I have never "lived" with anyone besides my husband & I want to be especially careful since my boys' are going to be affected. Please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 11:57am

Financial reasons are NEVER good reasons to live with someone. My two cents, you said it yourself, you're not ready, you're unsure, you want to take it slow, but your guy seems to be pushing it. Your son is FINALLY adjusting to him even being there all the time.


I think you should find a place that you feel more comfortable in (since you only have 2 children under the roof now, instead of four), and stay there for another 6 months to a year. You said you just filed for divorce. Depending on where you live and how smoothly it goes, you may not be divorced from anywhere from 3 months to 3+ years. And therefore, who knows where you'll be in a few years. For all you know, dbf will get tired of waiting and leave.


Which would mean, what do you do now? Do you continue to live at his house? What about the adjoining property with BOTH your names on it?


Trust me, after you deal with the divorce, and dealing with custody issues and separating possessions, your ideas of EVER wanting to put your name JOINT with someone changes. I refuse to be joint with anything with dbf, unless it's a simple phone call to cancel something (like gym membership).


I'd take your time. What's the rush? Why is he rushing to move you in, get married? You just filed for divorce. If he doesn't want to stay at your house all the time, then maybe you should make new arrangements for when he stays over.


Also, in regards to your marriage, how did it end? Did you learn anythign from the marriage? Did you get to know yourself and YOU and not a mom or gf/w? Do you know yourself? You jumped pretty fast from one marriage to another (sorta marriage). Are you over the loss of your marriage?


Just some things to think about you don't necessarily have to answer here.


Hugs. Just keep reading this part of your post.....


"My boyfriend & I have gotten pretty serious, especially over the last couple of months. He wants to get married & wouldn't mind having another child (not forcing the issue, just letting me know that he is open to it) I don't think Im quite ready to take that leap, just yet....I just filed for my divorce last week!!! He's o.k. with not doing it right away, but definately something he wants. I do love him, I just don't want to rush to marriage. "




my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 5:10pm

Thank you for your response, you gave me a few more things to consider. This is why I came here.

I have to say, financial is one of the reasons for my consideration. But, its not the sole one. I am trying to consider everything, but you have to admit it is nice to have someone help with the bills. I just recently went back to work, but it's been a struggle trying to raise the children & give them their Needs & Wants. You are absolutely correct, I am not ready for marriage again, at least not yet. I do think that we will get married, but probably not until the end of the year. Like I said, I do love him & he is/would be a positive influence in my boys' lives & in mine too.

My BF mentioned me selling my furniture, I said "No". Im not going to be naive about this, I don't want to put myself and my children in a situation that I feel "stuck" in if it didn't work out. My Mom will store it at her home. I am going to sell one of my cars, but I still will have one.

My STBX & I mutually agreed that we weren't what each other needed anymore. We were in some ways, but not in others. We do still love each other, but were not necessarily right for each other anymore. Due to "circumstances", we chose to split up before we became bitter & started resenting each other. I moved "home" with my parents & brothers. He is now engaged & living with his soon to be & her 5 children (yeah, moved in with her 2 weeks after the boys' & I left)

There is no custody issue, I have sole physical & he flys them up about 1 week every 3 months. He can see the boys' anytime he wants & calls about every 3 days. Pays his child support on time, no court order......I AM VERY FORTUNATE. He's even paying for half the divorce, it's uncontested. We had a separation agreement that we made when we split. Everything else was split & house was sold last year.

Again, Thank you for your response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 5:38pm

To me, financial reasons should be the LAST thing on the LONG list of reasons to move in together. ONLY because I have moved in with multiple men in my lifetime, where I couldn't afford a place on my own, and when thigns ended, we had to get rid of all the furniture, no where to store it, I moved home, etc. Then start over again with new guy. Then do the end part all over again.


I told my folks I am moving out of their house. My dad one day made this comment, "I just don't want to see you get hurt and end up back here". I didn't realize what he meant until I realized he was talking about when I broek up with a man, I'd be back home. Wow! I never could live on my own w/o a man. How sad.


And yes, if things don't work out, then you are left standing in the driveway, with nothign but your clothes and kids.


As I tell many divorced women, live your life, like you will never have a man to help you with bills, help you with the kids, etc. Live like that until you say "I do" (or make the commitment w/o marriage, if you dont' believe in marriage). Until then, you remmeber who YOU are and you remember you can't build a future around a "bf". We all know how fast the tides can turn (from marriage to divorce), so why build a whole life and future around a man that's not even your dh?


but, that's me. and well, I tell everyone they konw what they are comfiest with. If you are reading and saying, "that's not me, that's not it, that's not right" then either you know what you want, and it doesn't matter what anyone says, or that you're living in denial. One is okay, the ohter is not.


btw, sounds good about the divorce, but don't ever assume anything. people aren't the same when divorces go thru......just so you won't be surprised.




my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 11:54pm
I think that you should think about it
and make sure that it is the best thing
for not only you, but for your children.
Just make sure that they have a bit of a
say in it too. Check this out...
http://www.mary.com/articles/view.html?aid=48
Maybe it can help.