Can't recognize a good thing when I see
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| Tue, 04-12-2005 - 12:18pm |
This is probably going to make me look like this “spoiled little princess/baby”… But I’m going to ask advice regardless…I’ll try and give a short synopsis of my dating life thus far...
I have not been very successful when it comes to my love life...
Relationship #1: I married young to someone who shared feelings for me, but was a pushover. He was a pushover in the way that he let me dress provocatively, go out to the clubs alone, overspend our combined incomes, and went along with anything I said that involved our living arrangements. He never stood up to me, drank way too much (but believed he didn’t have a problem), partook in excessive video game playing (read: he only took breaks to eat and go to the bathroom). He played video games and watched sports on TV from the moment he woke up in the afternoon (yes, I mean the afternoon), until the sun came back up (read: 5:00am) and constantly wanted to “hang out with the guys”. Also, he started a new job that involved him being away from home 3-4 months at a time, and only 1-2 weeks at home between job assignments. This meant me seeing him about 3-4 times a year. This ended what was already a long-distance relationship (emotionally) onto to my next endeavor.
Relationship #2: An outgoing, fun, crazy, egotistic, selfish, sexy, much older and never married man with a perfect body. We shared only one thing in common. Playing pool. Except his was more of an obsession, which caused me to take on his obsession in order to spend time with him and not be ignored and left out like I was in my marriage. Although I still was left out, because he didn’t spend his time playing pool with “ME”. He played every night...literally...every night until the place closed (read: 3:00am). Much of his playing involved gambling at high monetary value. We never went on trips together and never seemed to make any kind of plans... In the three years of dating/living together I NEVER met any of his close friends, family, or mother. We always did the holidays separate from each other or only on my end (my family, never to his family). He ended up living with me and mooching off of me. He didn’t share any expenses with me, but occasional threw some money out to me (probably out of guilt, and probably when he had a good gambling night). He still remained close "friends" with his ex-live-in girlfriend of 10 years who he occationally would leave my side on a Saturday to go to her house and work on the “pond” he had built. My moment of realization came with the birth of my son, at which time I realized I deserved better and kicked the sorry "sob" to the curb.
Which brings me to some short-lived rebound dating, and time well spent alone and "fast forward" to present day.
Now, I’m exclusively dating a caring, compassionate, responsible father (he has full custody of his 9-year old child), and educated man who shares many common goals and beliefs with me. He actually wants to be around me (I can’t understand why), calls when he says he will, helps me look after my son, gets along with my family and has introduced me to his mother, family and friends. So what’s the problem you ask? Well… simply I’m not used to getting this kind of attention! I don’t feel comfortable with it. I was used to parading around with my boobs hanging out, and now my boyfriend makes me feel like I CAN’T do that anymore. And when I do dress “too sexy” (read: cleavage showing) he tells me that it makes him uncomfortable! How come? Is he trying to control me? IS he just that insecure? Also, he stands up to me and tells me when I do something that bothers him or annoys him. I’m definitly not used to THAT. My last realtionship told me something was wrong with ME only when I brought up that something was wrong with HIM! I was the one telling the other person that I didn’t like the way they were treating me, and they tried to turn things around to make it look like I was the one with the problem and that they were NOT doing anything wrong!
My fear is, have I become like the two guys from relationship #1 and relationship #2? Am I starting to treat this good man the way I was treated in those prior relationships? I feel like I'm trying to find a reason to break up with him! Anytime this new man tells me his fears and dismays, I want to ditch him and chalk it up to not wanting to be "controlled"! Yet, I stuck around in R#1 and R#2 for years and let the other “bad” men treat me like dirt and abuse my love and generosity! HELP!!! How do I break my bad habits? When someone gets mad at you, doesn’t that mean they will tire of you and end up breaking things off? I want to be perfect! Like he would never want to leave ME!

My question for you............
You told us about your past r'ships, what about your family life growing up? What made you choose those two types of men? What are you running from? Are you choosing men who aren't good SO's because you are truly afraid of commitment, in a healthy way? Or because you feel you don't deserve anyone good? Why do you feel you need to show off your body in order to get attention.
In my honest opinion, I think this screams more about YOU than your r'ships.
I mean, how much cleavage do you show? Peg Bundy cleavage? Pam Anderson cleavage? If so, then yes, that's WAY too much and it shows you're insecure and/or only want attention. However, if you're wearing a normal shirt, with a normal v-neck cut, then he's overreacting.
This truly sounds like you are being childish. You want things YOUR WAY, and are getting upset when it is given to you (guy #1), but yet, you're willing to give up your entire being to be with someone (guy #2) and now that you've found a somewhat normal man, you're ready to throw him away.
You are finding men, who "aren't there for you" emotionally. You are finding men you are "convienantely" not willing to commit. I seriusly think it may be because of a fear you have yourself.
Okay, in regards to him telling you what to wear. You'll get mixed responses. Some women believe they should be able to wear whatever they want, and NEVER face any consequences (from men talking to your boobs to rape). I on the other hand, feel if you are in a r'ship, you should dress OUT OF RESPECT for your guy. That means, if you two are going out, and you want to dress sexy for HIM, then do so. However, if you are getting WAY too much male attention (say at a party or something) then you are dresssing TOO sexy. There's a fine line. It should be like this.......it's okay for other men to say, "you look great" or "you look nice tonight" however they shouldnt' be saying, "you look HOT tonight" or anything sexual/overly flirty.
Let me ask you this. Would you want your guy to go out with his shirt half open, tight tight pants, and women all over him? I wouldn't. First, it'd be a turn off with the tight pants, lol. but mostly, I"d expect him to dress attractively to attract ME, not tons of other women.
Okay, I think that's enough for now. My two cents, it's time to start re-evaluting WHY you chose the men you did and WHAT you learned from it. And lastly, he could be controlling, however, from waht you're saying, it doesn't sound like it. However, I'm worried, because I could see you finding someone like that, cuz he pays attention to you..........but there's a line there too.
Cher, first off let me thank you for taking the time to read my long entry and giving me such a detailed response. I really appreciate it….
To answer your questions…
My family life, in a nutshell, my mother became a stay-at-home mom (she met my dad, and then married him within 7 months of knowing him). She had me at 40, so our age difference with relating to each other has always been a challenge. She is very controlling and to this day treats me like I’m 6 years-old. I’m 30 now. I have a half-sister (same father) that is 10 years older than me, who my mom did not like her being a tomboy and made darn sure I didn’t follow in my sister’s “poor choosing path”.
My dad was a workaholic, alcoholic, short-tempered, controlling and possessive man. From the time he came home, our night would be determined upon his mood. “Let’s see what daddy’s mood is tonight before we decide on what we’ll do tonight.” Once home, he went straight up to his office and did not come out of it except to eat dinner with us, which was met with a tense (no talking and no laughing) tone. IF (big IF) he watched TV with us, the TV was to remain on the same channel it started on and we were not ALLOWED to change it to another program for the rest of the night. Then he would go back up to his office to work until the wee hours of the morning, during which he made several trips to the fridge to polish off a 6-pack of beer OR a bottle of scotch, and in the process he’d smoke about 2 packs of cigarettes.
As far as the showing cleavage off to get attention… I don’t know why I do it…(conscious-wise anyway). To answer your question, no he didn’t react to me wearing a v-neck or even a form fitting shirt. He said when we go to the pool or the beach he’ll be a bit uncomfortable about me wearing a bikini, but as long as my butt is covered and it’s not boob-popping...he can deal with it. The two times he got upset with my attire was when I wore a tight, low-cut, "Peg Bundy" top once for Valentine’s Day (we had our two children with us, but I dressed with him in mind and wasn’t planning for any other man’s attention)… And the other time was when I had my workout “bra” on and didn’t think about my roomate’s “guy” friend being around.
I’m glad you said what you said about the mixed signals comments. I would probably be the one saying that “women believe they should be able to wear whatever they want, and NEVER face any consequences”. But after reading what you wrote, I can start to see his point of view… I guess I worried too much of someone trying to control me and it not being “NORMAL” in other’s view points. I can see what you mean about not wanting him to dress for the women… but what if I didn’t have to worry if other women would find him attractive? Meaning he is not the type to try and attract women based on his appearance?
Basically the complaints he’s come up with on me, besides the fact that I have a tendency to show off too much boobs, is about me not being attentive enough. Like when we were at a party recently and he let me eat my plate of food first while he watched my son… when I offered to take over, he thought it didn’t sound like I really meant it because I said something along the line of, “How are you doing? Are you okay? Do you want me to watch him now?” He said it seemed like I was more trying to be polite and not really wanting to help, I should have been more direct and said more like, “I know you must be hungry. Let me watch my son now while you get your plate of food.” I DID mean to reciprocate, but I didn’t think I had to be THAT blatant about it.
The other time we had a big discussion was when I started to sleep in (according to him: one too many times) too late on Saturdays and left him alone to watch my son...and would get up around 10:00am. I thought he was just trying to be nice and let me sleep in (because he didn't wake me up). He thought it would have been nice if I made the conscious effort to wake up with him so he wouldn't have the bulk of it alone. He said it started to bother him because he's had people take advantage of him in the past and he didn't want to start to resent me and wanted to bring it to my attention that it was bothering him. He reminded me that he had been making sure that he woke up and came down to sit with me at 7:00am when I woke up with my son so that I wouldn't be the only one having to get up early.
I think you may be right about me not wanting to commit to someone. Maybe by picking some non-committal men, I could easily point the finger to them that they were the ones who would cheat on me, or abandon me… and not the other way around…
I gave so much of myself in R#2 and didn’t get the same treatment back. One fear of mine was to give so much of myself again and have my current BF stop all the loving and thoughtful things he does for me and shut down and deny me love when he's mad at me….
If I think of anything more, I’ll write it down… If you have any more questions, please ask me… I really want to break my usual ways…because I know I wasn’t heading in the right direction to be happy! I want to be happy! I don’t want someone to be unhappy with me either… My parents used love as a manipulation tool! When I was “good” I got their attention and love, when I was “bad” I was shunned. Unconditional love did not exist. Thankfully my grandmother gave me the unconditional love I was missing, but even she turned herself off to me when she got mad. I was given the silent treatment and made to think I was “horrible” if I didn’t “do” what they wanted…
Edited 4/12/2005 3:34 pm ET ET by pooldiva
Edited 4/12/2005 3:41 pm ET ET by pooldiva
Edited 4/12/2005 3:42 pm ET ET by pooldiva
Wow! Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist, or reading r'ship books to learn what a "healthy" r'ship is? I ask, because I never realized what was healthy until literally, I picked up the book, "Healthy R'ships for Dummies" and I realized how I had NEVER been in one before.
Thanks again for more feedback! It was a refreshing change to see that you are taking both sides! It goes to emphasize my thoughts that there are two sides to every story, and two interpretations to every story…
I’ll have to check out that "Healthy R'ships for Dummies"… I have seen a therapist and have been able to work out quite a lot of my issues…. Luckily… Of course it’s a never ending battle.
It’s interesting that you thought of the “chameleon” notion, that’s exactly how I labeled myself when I look back on how I “dealt” with things and how I “fit” in… I am slowly discovering myself again, and it’s going to take time to figure out what I want… I’m almost there, I’m just trying to find a way to achieve it…
So you too “gave up your life, for someone else”? EXACTLY RIGHT ON THIS ONE (“You probably also learned how to be invisible (with your dad) and how to keep the peace no matter what”) To this day when a man gets angry and raises his voice (even slightly) I turn into a “scared little girl” like I’m in “trouble” and I don’t know what for…
You know, there are A LOT of assumptions going back and forth in our communication (b/f and me)… Like this past weekend, I woke up at 8:00am and he told me he was going to let me sleep in (how the **** was I supposed to know that unless he told me that?). I plan on throwing that one his way to see what he thinks of that... the ‘ole “Darned if you do, darned if you don’t!”
I know what you mean about your bf getting attention but it being in a “friendly” way. That’s the case with my current bf… my old bf in R#2 was a MAJOR disrespectful flirt who blatatantly disregarded my presence when he flirted… So it took me a while to realize it wasn’t the same with current bf who did it in a respectful and friendly (not flirty) way…
You’re right though, I did LOVE the attention, but now I don’t want that KIND of attention. My current bf sees my real self, and doesn’t focus just on my appearance which means the world to me… I realize now that when I got attention, the men did not take me seriously… Like, after a short time, the men I received this kind of attention from ended up wanting only one thing and did not even consider that I had any intelligence! I know, I know, that should have been a no-brainer (pun intended).
I’ve stressed to my b/f about saying what he really means (instead of HIM being polite on one hand but having consequences attached on the other hand). I’ve told him how I don’t appreciate being put in a “trap”. If I offer my help, no matter how it’s “delivered”, that is EXACTLY my intention. Otherwise I don’t offer it. Period. So, I added to him that if he “offers” his help OR says he’s “OK”. I will take it like that, at face value. I’m not going to double question… Is this a trick? Is he REALLY offering his help, with no strings attached? Is he REALLY OK? I told him I used to be like him and think that people would KNOW or ASSUME how I felt. But I told him, “You know what? They don’t. They can’t read our minds, and they don’t always think of the other person.” That’s the way it goes.
Like you said, he needs to understand that we do speak two different languages. He can’t expect me to do all the work and change MY way of talking (there goes the chameleon again).
You’re right about him wanting things done “HIS WAY and EXPECTS ME to act just like him”. Hopefully he’s do some compromising because he’ll have a tough time finding someone who’ll be the exact same way as him, hence why we are INDIVIDUALS. If not, if he’s not willing to compromise OR see my point of view… I’ll be heading out the door….
So far he has been willing to listen and work on himself to is slowly working on making our r'ship better. I’ve sent some quizzes and articles his way on communication and he’s taken the quizzes and we’ve discussed the articles…
I enjoyed talking with you and it helped me a lot to see things in perspective…. I think I’m starting to feel a lot more confident about the whole thing!
Hugs!
You know what? After reading that, it sounds like you have a good handle on YOURSELF, however, your bf does need to open his eyes, and gratefully, it sounds like he's willing to try. That's all you can ask for at this time.
Also, I agree, you shouldnt' have to double question anything or even adjust your entire self to make sure he's happy. Nope, that's wrong.
So, good for you, it sounds like you have a grip on things and know what needs to be done. As I said, you both could use some tweeking, but I think it's HIM that needs to realize people to act/react like him, and start realizing that ppl aren't mind readers either.
Hugs and good luck. Keep us posted.