am i too afraid to leave him... Please

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
am i too afraid to leave him... Please
9
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 3:49pm
Time and time again, when i fight with my fiance i feel like its always my fault. I feel that i cannot recognize that im wrong. But were getting married soon and i just dont know how i feel anymore. Im am usually a very confident woman, but when we fight i always feel like i am going to lose him, but if i am so unhappy why cant i leave him. I am so scared that if i leave him i will be making a big mistake. how do i know when i should get out. I do love him... but he is so quick to blame me for everything. Please help
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 4:00pm

I sometimes feel the same way. Can you give me a more detailed example of an incident that happened with your point of view and his point of view. And then how he blames you for it?

Also, how long have you know each other?

Has this happened to you before in another relationship? How does he react when you say it's not your fault? Does he assume any blame? Or is he quick to be on the defensive? He may not know how to be a good communicator and if someone is not communicating right or cannot compromise...that is a bad sign...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 4:13pm
unfortuanelty hes not a good communicator, his idea of getting over something is walking away and basically just forgetting about it meanwhile i cant stop thinking about it. He gets very defensive and apologizes later says he'll work on it and it doesnt change. I am working on dealing with his job, i feel i have done so well with being home along very often and sometimes im not perfect and i get upset about his job. instead of him trying to put himself in my shoes he says i should never ever get upset at his job...never. And he shouldnt have to put himself in my shoes. Hes very good to me most of the time, but when we fight its just horrible...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 4:25pm
Look into pre-marital counciling. Your basic problem sounds like a lack of communication skills. Pre-marital counciling is just for such problems. Love alone will give you the desire to work through these types of problems, but in order to actually get through them you need to learn the skills to do so. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 4:27pm

doesnt it say something about our relationship if we have to go to pre-marital counseling. If we cant work through things now, are we ever going to be able too?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 5:02pm
It says you are willing to learn the skills you need to make a marriage successful. Marriage is hardwork and the divorce rate in our country is an indication that not enough people know how to do the job correctly. Going to pre-marital counciling doesn't mean there is something wrong with you or your relationship. The reality of life is that no matter how much you love someone there will be conflict. The best we can do is to learn how to work through it without it causing unrepairable damage to our relationships. The key is learning to communicate with one another successfully. The clergy that marry people today are trying to make it mandatory for all engaged couples to have at least 18 hours of pre-marital counciling before they walk down the aisle. As a matter of fact, the state I live in gives a $60 discount on marriage license to couples who can prove they have had pre-marital counciling. It is easier to go to pre-marital counciling and avoid potential problems then it is to go to post-marital counciling when the problems have already manifested themselves. Understand?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 5:20pm

Actually, NEEDING pre-marital counseling because you're having problems, IS saying there's seomthing wrong. HOWEVER...that does not mean you're doomed.


To the OP. Three things bother me. 1. That he blames you for things, 2. He refuses to see your side of things, and 3. he expects you to just suck it up and deal with it like him.


All I can say is this.....delilah is right, it's about the information and learning that is the best thign about pre-marital couseling. It does NOT mean you're doomed. GOING to counseling when you have problem says loudly, "i want to fix this and make it better". NOT going says, "I'm scared to fix it" or "there's nothing wrong with me".




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 11:58pm
I found this article on fighting fair-
You sre your fiance should read it. I hope
that things work out for you and that you
are happy.
http://www.mary.com/articles/view.html?aid=34
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2004
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 1:23pm
I have read the other posts and it is great they have shared their opinions on pre-marital counseling (I strongly reccomend as no relationship is prefect so going is not saying that this shouldn't be), but I have a big concern about somthing you said that struck a cord with me.
You said that you are normally a confident woman, but don't feel that way with him. Do you not feel that way just in fights or is there a bit of that feeling constantly underlying in you? By the title of your subject (too afraid to leave) it leads me to believe there may be a confidence issue with you....do you feel like yourself lately?
I only ask b/c that statement struck a cord with me b/c I had a realtionship end a few months with a man I loved dearly, was my best friend for 2 years before we started dating, and had lived with for a year....I thought I would marry that man which is perhaps why I held onto a relationship that should have ended several months before it did. I knew several times it should have ended but I just couldn't pull the trigger and so I stayed and slowly our issues and problems with conflict resolution (including him blaming me for his issues) took me from a strong confidant woman to someone I don't recognize as myself. Within a month of the relationship ending and me moving out I began to feel incredible, at peace with myself, etc.
I am not saying that this relationship should end b/c I don't know the details, but if you are truly feeling like your self esteem is dropping please ask yourself why and if it is due to the fighting, him blaming you, etc. you need to end it b/c it will continue to eat away at you until you learn to accept less than you deserve.....no woman should have to do that.
Just my two cents -- I know understand how strong woman come to live with men that may not be abusive but are men that are not good for them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 12:37pm


I totally agree with some of the comments on here !! I have just come out of a relationship which was just no good for me. He would never see my point of view and would always twist it round to his way of thinking. I myself am a confident woman and found the longer I was him the more unhappy I was becoming and lost alot of my self esteem. even though I cared about him very much I knew it was going nowhere and constantly questioned our relationship. We just didn't see eye to eye, but more to the point he was not willing to see my side of things.

I do believe deep down you know when its right and when its wrong - you just have to go with your gut instinct and I can honestly say my gut instinct has never let me down yet where men are concerned.

Take care and have a serious think about things - life is too short to be unhappy

x