Crushing, and not on my BF!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Crushing, and not on my BF!!
7
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 9:44pm

I have been with my bf for 3 years yesterday. Things have been up and down and at times I think he's the "one" and at times I question. He's kind of a homebody so if I want to go out (I'm 22) I have to find a friend to go with me. Well I made a friend from class and lately we've gotten really close. So when I go out, I usually go with him and his friends. We've only gone out once just the 2 of us, except for trips to Waffle House after a night out when no one else wanted to go. And it wasn't a "date", he went to a party with me so I didn't have to go alone (it was one of those things where I didn't want to go but I owed it to a friend to at least show up). We've been hanging out more and more lately and over the past couple of months I have developed a crush on him. I've really tried not to, but I can't help it! I would never ever cheat on my bf, but I can't help but feel as though I already have by thinking about another guy. I have just about every class with him so even when we don't go out we study together, or sometimes we'll hang out at his house and watch movies or something. My bf knows every time I do something with my friend and he's fine with it. He actually tells me to go out; he wants me to enjoy the last of my college years. That's another reason I feel so guilty for crushing on my friend. I would just stop hanging out with him, but he's a really good friend and like I said I have almost all my classes with him.

So the thing is I guess that if I'm having these thoughts about another guy, then what does that tell me about my relationship?? I guess I'm partially trying to vent and partially seeking your advice on the subject. Thanks for reading!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 10:01pm
It's so weird because i came in here tonight to ask almost the exact same thing. My bf and I have also been together a little over three years, but he is going to a school by our hometown and my school is about 2 hours from there so we don't get to see each other as often as we'd like. And I started hanging out with this guy from class a lot last semester and we've become really good friends and I hate to admit it but I think I've got a crush. Part of me doesn't feel bad because I guess it's impossible not to be attracted to someone just because I'm taken. I would never in a million years cheat on my bf. We have talked about getting married after I graduate and I really would love to be with him for the rest of my life. I think part of it, at least for me, is that my bf and I have been together for a while and we're in that "comfortable" stage. He no longer goes out of his way to impress me or try to seduce me or just be cute like when we first started dating. And with my friend from school there's that sense of something new and fresh. I guess I would just love my bf to try to make me feel special again...God do I sound old. But I seriously have gone as far as to ask him to leave me messages on my phone while I'm at practice and things like that and it really hasn't made a difference. Ugh, it's so frustrating. Sorry this probably wasn't much help, I think I just needed to vent too. Plus us both having close to the same problem doesn't solve it! haha. Ok, anyone else have an opinion???
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2005
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 4:25am

I just had a similar experience except I had a GF and began to like on of my classmates. I've known her for about a year and a half and have had about a half a dozen classes with her. We would study and work on homework all the time: sometimes at school, sometime at the coffee house. We got know each other well and became close. We both shared a lot about each other's secrets, which only increased the trust we have for each other. We both respect each other and care about how the other is doing. It seemed to be the perfect friendship until I started to have feelings that were more than just friendship.

During this time I was still with my GF, but we broke things off shortly after I discovered that I liked my classmate. One of my friends told me to be a man about it, so I did. I didn’t want to be one of those guys that cheated on his GF with another girl. I also didn’t want the girl I liked to think I was that type of guy.

I thought she had the same feelings, but I was wrong. I took a leap of faith and told her how I felt. She was pretty surprised at it all and never gave it a thought. I was devastated to discover she didn’t feel the same for me. It hit me hard emotionally because I really liked her a lot. She consumed my every thought.

Anyway I was glad it was out in the open with her. We are still good friends, even though I felt like my heart was broken. I still think about her and if there would be an us, but that’s wishful thinking. I guess if that person is really someone you would like to be with even though you are in a good relationship, my advice is to take that chance.

It’s really part of living your life. Without passion in your life and without taking any chances you will never know what could be, even though the possibility of a negative outcome is just as great. As for myself, my classmate is no more than just a friend, while I now have an ex-GF. It was my choice and I have to live with the consequences of my actions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 1:16pm

Well, I guess it's time for you to




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 2:55pm

I started hanging out with my friend mostly b/c we just clicked. I don't really get along with females that well, most of my friends have always been guys. I just have more in common with males b/c I've always been a tomboy and I'm not, well, girly. lol.

My bf and I have talked about marriage before. In the beginning I could definitely see myself marrying him, but now I'm not so sure. He's informally asked me before, b/c it would make thinks "easier", and I've told him I'm just not ready yet. He wants to propose at graduation and I've told him I think he should wait, b/c I'm still not ready for marriage. I'm not sure if I'll still want to go out and stuff in a few years like I do now, but I do know that I'll want to do things for myself you know. I don't think its healthy to spend 24/7 with your SO.

He's already graduated and has a job. I have always planned on moving out of state and in the beginning my bf wanted to move with me. Now that he has this job he said he's not moving anywhere and I'll have to just find a job near him. I'm not sure that's what I want. So this is something else I've been thinking about. I'm not sure where our lives are going to take us.

I guess we're in that "comfortable" stage too. There isn't anymore romance and I already feel like we've been married for 10 years. I DO miss that new feeling, and I've tried to get him to take me on dates and pretend its a first date again, but it doesn't work. I think everything happens for a reason, and we're together for a reason, so lately I've just king of been feeling that I don't want to do anything and just let things happen and see where it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 5:38pm
I think I remember you from a long time ago when you posted about the age difference between you and your BF (he's in his 30s isn't he?) and the fact that he didn't like to go out and do things with you. It was my opinion from your long ago post that you weren't compatible with your BF because he is sort of a boring old homebody and you like to go out and have some fun - at least once in a while. It appears that this crush you've developed on your friend is another indication that you're not with Mr. Right. Your BF says he wants you to enjoy the last of your college years. What does he expect to happen after you graduate? Does he expect that you will "settle down" and stay at home all the time with him? You should ask him this. You need to question yourself as well - are you with your BF because you love, respect, admire and are highly compatible with him or are you mostly with him because he's safe, comfortable and secure?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 2:28pm
Yeah, he's 29. Thanks for all of your input guys. I really have a lot to think about. Its just not easy you know. This is the longest relationship I've ever been in, and I really don't want to hurt him. That's the main thing going through my head right now. If I broke up with him, how would he handle it? Thanks everyone. : )
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 5:00pm

"That's the main thing going through my head right now. If I broke up with him, how would he handle it? "


He'll survive. Do what is best for YOU, not him.




my pet!




my pet!