To marry or not to marry.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2005
To marry or not to marry.....
8
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 1:34am
I'm new here...however I could really use some friendly feedback. I have been with my boyfriend now for over 8 months. Honestly, things seem to only get better each day. We are even planning on relocating this summer to a different state where my boyfriend is being transferred with his job. It seemed only natural when he asked me to go with him. Now, I love this man more than words can say. He has a hard time expressing his emotions (he's told me he loves me one time!) so when the idea on whether or not we would get married was brought to our attention, he FREAKED. I know I want to marry this man, however he's not sure if he'll ever marry. He tells me what's the point when things are so good now, why do we need "a piece of paper" to say that we are together. I seriously want to cry because I have wanted to get married and have a family ever since I was a little girl, and I finally believe that I have found the one I could see myself having this with. Ever since we got together, he's always kinda joked with me about never wanting to get married and that he hates all the mushy romantic stuff. He always got a reaction out of me, so he would keep it up. I finally figured he was just saying things just to get that reaction out of me. But now that we are moving, I want some sort of committment out of him. I'm having to post-pone school for him, and I'm moving away from my family just to be with him. Why can't he see what I'm doing because I want to be with him? I don't think I should have to give up what I want so badly because I'm trying to be the good girlfriend and becuase I want to be with him so much. But if he really doesn't ever want to get married, am I really just wasting my time? I don't even care if we don't get married for another 5 years even (I'm 21, he's 24...we are still young...) but I want that promise that it'll happen. Am I asking too much of him? What can I say to him to help him understand where I am coming from and to help him realize that marriage is more than "a piece of paper." Any advice would greatly help! Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 7:53am

You can't make him realise that marriage is more than a piece of paper. Why? Because what you are stating is a perception - and not a fact. While it may be more than a piece of some people, other people don't see it as such.

Putting it this way: my partner and I have been together for 12 years. We have two kids, mortgage and a dog. I'm a SAHM and my partner supports us. We're absolutely committed to each other and our young family. Having children wasn't a decision that we made lightly, and was only made after we were comfortable with the knowledge that we'd be together forever. The only difference between us and a married couple is that we've never signed a piece of paper together - because we feel that a piece of paper can't give us anything that we don't already have.

I would suggest that for starters, you try to separate the ideas of commitment and marriage. While you already know that marriage means nothing to him, how does he feel about commitment and monogamy? How does he feel about having a family and how does he feel about being with one woman for the rest of his life? If he wants all of this with you, then he may be the right man for you....if one of you is willing to change your attitudes.

However, if he runs a mile at the mention of having a family or being with only you for the rest of his life....then it's all over.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 8:26am
Besides this guy what is going on in your life? Are you in college? What kind of a career are you working toward? In my opinion you are too young to think about marriage. Marriage is a life filled with burdens. Enjoy being young and single while you have that. I would not settle for shacking up, although lots of women do. I guess you have to decide for yourself whether you are willing to settle for no wedding or marriage and illegitimate children. Both men and women do foolish things for love (or sex) (or financial security) but if you can resist the temptation you can pat yourself on the back for that later and know that you are a very strong person. Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 11:13am

Well, I am glad you realize that age 21 there is no rush to get to the altar. That is a good thing... I think you need to realize, however, that men are not complicated. They say what they mean. Him saying that he does not want to get married means just that. I think you need to make it 100% clear to him that you have had your heart set on getting married since you were a child and you will not settle for a realationship in which you do not get to have that. As the other poster said, in a world of black and white, marriage is only a piece of paper (and the occasional tax benefit) however, to you it means much more. If your boyfriend realizes how important marriage is to you and still holds that it is something he does not want, you need to leave him. I know that there are a lot of men out there who will say they aren't interested in marriage or they don't want to get married, but then when they meet that special woman and she makes it clear to him from the beginning that she needs to be married in order to be totally happy, he changes his mind. A lot of men just need that extra push and I don't think a woman is being manipulative to tell him that she needs that to be happy.

So basically, tell him how important it is to you; if he is still resistant move on because there are plenty of men out there who want to be married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2005
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 11:19am
Wow...boy am I shocked at the two replies that I got. I believe marriage is a special bond between two people, and no, I don't think I'm too young to be thinking about it. I am in college, working toward a degree in elementary education. I plan on finishing college where ever I go, the thing is we are moving to a different state and I can't afford out of state tuition, so I'm having to post pone things for a bit. I believe my boyfriend and I are committed toward each other, we agree on everything except when it comes to marriage and children. Maybe I am the crazy one who actually believes marriage is more than a piece of paper. I was just shocked to hear him say that, and then to have you all agree. Wow. I fully believe I AM a strong person already, and just because I want to "shack up" shouldn't make me any weaker.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 12:38pm

You wrote, "we agree on everything except when it comes to marriage and children."


What don't you agree about children? Does he not want them?




my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2004
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 1:45pm

I understand how you feel about marriage and that the paper is important....I agree about desiring the officialness of it, but that is not what I want to tell you.

You seemed quite frustrated in your response to these posters and I think you need to recognize that although you are not too young perhaps to be thinking about it many of us do think that 21 is too young for marriage. I am going to keep this post short since I am short on time, but feel free to ask me more questions if you would like in response to this:

I was engaged at 22 (I had also lived on my own since 19, put myself through school, etc. so was incredibly independant and told that I never resembled 22) BUT I ended up having to call off my wedding three weeks beforehand b/c I just wasn't ready. I didn't know enough about what I needed from love (I knew what I wanted) but what I needed is different. It cost me a lot.

Fast forward to now - I am several years older and made the choice last year to move with a man I thought I would marry (no doubt in my mind). He had been my best friend for years and we had been living together for 5 months at the time the opportunity to move came up for him. So we did and then 7 months later the relationship ended and I moved out nearly the day of what would have been one year since the day I moved in with him.

The point of all this? Eight months is not a long time and those of us who have been through experiences like this just want you too see the risk involved....we too have been in relationships we would do anything for b/c we thought he was the one and then watched it all end - and that was in relationships where we were on the same page with marriage and children. I am establsihed in a job and career so to have the relationship end did not cost me anything there, but it will cost you....you are putting school on hold. In the engagement I put school on hold until just after the wedding....it cost me a year that I could have been closer to my degree.

I am not saying this could not work, but I wish I would have been smarter about what it would cost me when the relationship didn't work out and when I put the relationship before my own best interests. I don't want to preach to you....just to be available to talk to you if you would like.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 2:33pm


<>

I encourage you to re-read that statement and think long and clear about it, because ... those are two pretty darn important things to agree upon!

You stated that you are looking for some "friendly feedback" ... and I hope that you will not take all of these suggestions as not being "friendly" ... rather, it is honest feedback. It isn't meant to discourage you ... but to encourage you to think about the reality of the situation, which can be difficult when you're "in love" and you're heart and your head are saying different things.

<< when the idea on whether or not we would get married was brought to our attention, he FREAKED. I know I want to marry this man, however he's not sure if he'll ever marry. He tells me what's the point when things are so good now, why do we need "a piece of paper" to say that we are together. >>

Who brought the idea to your attention that caused him to freak?

An important lesson to learn in this is to LISTEN to what he's saying. He's not at a place right now where marriage is on his mind. He's 24. Maybe someday he'll feel like it's more than "piece of paper" but for now, that's not how he sees it.

<< But now that we are moving, I want some sort of committment out of him.>>

And if you don't get that committment, are you going to do the right thing FOR YOU and not move with him?

<< I'm having to post-pone school for him, and I'm moving away from my family just to be with him. Why can't he see what I'm doing because I want to be with him? I don't think I should have to give up what I want so badly because I'm trying to be the good girlfriend and becuase I want to be with him so much. >>

You don't have to give up what you want just to be with him. Only if it's mutually beneficial will it work. You're giving up all these things ... putting school on hold, leaving your family and friends ... in HOPES that he'll see things your way. It doesn't work that way. People want what they want because THEY want it. He's not going to want it just because you want it. What he wants is for you to come along and see where things go. If you're willing to take this chance, it MIGHT work out ... but, if you're looking for him to promise you something at this point, it's unlikely. He's not there.

<< But if he really doesn't ever want to get married, am I really just wasting my time? I don't even care if we don't get married for another 5 years even (I'm 21, he's 24...we are still young...) but I want that promise that it'll happen. Am I asking too much of him? >>

It is great that you realize that you're both young and there's no rush. But again ... you need to listen to what he's saying: marriage is not on his mind. If you're looking for a promise that will happen, yes ... you are asking too much. Because, in reality, he's doing the right and mature thing by not giving you an empty promise. I mean, wouldn't it be so much worse if he promised you this but did so just to oblige you and wasn't able to fulfill? He CAN'T make a promise to you like this at a time when he doesn't know that is what he truly wants.

<< What can I say to him to help him understand where I am coming from and to help him realize that marriage is more than "a piece of paper." >>

Nothing. Because your values on the subject are different. In time, he may feel differently about it. But, that's up to him. In reality, 8 months is not a long time. He's not there yet. You can choose to go along with him and see what happens, and maybe he'll start seeing things differently. You may be waiting a long time. Are you willing to make a huge life change and sacrifice your goals, etc for a MAYBE?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 7:00pm

No, you misunderstand me. No, you're not crazy for believing in marriage and I wasn't agreeing with your boyfriend - rather, I was trying to explain that marriage means different things to different people. That neither of you is right or wrong.

The differing opinions on children would worry me somewhat. Does he never want kids? If so, that's something to be very wary of. I believe that life is short, and even at the age of 21, you should try to find someone who has similar life goals to yourself.

I also believe that living with him is OK, but PLEASE first come to some agreement on your expectations for your long term relationship. One of my friends was living with a man for 10 years. She wanted marriage and he didn't. And neither of them would compromise. The upshot is that their differences finally broke them apart. I'd hate to see you waste 10 years of your life like my friend. Mind you, she is now engaged to be married to someone else :-)

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace