I want to get married!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
I want to get married!
20
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 5:06pm
I am new here and I need some advice. I'd really appreciate any personal stories, your own or someone you know who might remind you of the situation I'm in. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and I am at the point where I would like to get engaged. Our relationship is great. My boyfriend STILL buys me flowers, is thoughtful, takes me out, and talks about how I am the only girlfriend he has ever had who he can see a future with. Well I guess I'm tired of all this talk and i would like some action. I don't want to get into details because I have time constraints on me right now, but he feels he won't be ready to get engaged for another 3-4 years! I love him, but I don't understand it. I have been told by many women that there comes a point where one person is ready to get married and the other person isn't, and at some point the person who is looking for more committment needs to draw the line. I want to know how do I draw the line the right way? I know that I am ready to do this, I just don't know how. I know he will try to talk me out of it, and I know he will turn things around and tell me that I must not love him, but more and more I feel that if he still can't tell me that he knows I'm the one, then I feel that I am in this deeper than I should be. I don't feel any shame in saying that I have been with this man for 3 years and I want to take the next step. In my heart of hearts, I really believe that waiting for this for 3 more years or so makes no sense. In the first year that we were dating, people at work (and my friends) used to say things like, "WHy hasn't he proposed yet--doesn't he know what he has?" That would hurt me because it made it sound like he doesn't love me that much. I used to ignore it. Nowadays people have stopped asking me that because they've done it enough times and gotten nowhere, but now I am the one wondering if there is something wrong with me that he doesn't want to marry me. ANd we are both completely financially independent, if that matters at all. Thank you for any help. I hope someone can relate to me!! I know a few people who know women who have done this "draw the line" thing, and the men came running with an engagement ring. I am not trying to manipulate him into marrying me. I just want to move on with my life one way or another.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 5:56pm

Well, I hate to say it, but here goes...........(oh but first, how old are the two of you? Cuz age CAN matter)


Assuming you are mid-20's or later, you have two options. 1. Ultimatum or 2. Walk away.


I make it a point to tell a man I am dating, that when we first start getting serious, that I'm not looking to be with him for YEARS w/o marriage. I usually tell them, "I will give up 2.5-3 years at which time I expect to be engaged or married. If it's not happening then, it needs to be in the works to happen VERY soon. And yes, I'm flexible depending on the situation".


My silent ulitimatum to my dbf, is August of this year. He has until the end of August ot propose. We already plan on marrying, I'm just waiting for the ring. His "time frame" for it was by the end of July. If I hear nothing by end of August, I will walk, unless he's willing to buy me a $5 ring at the store. Because at this point, he SAYS the only thing holding him back is money. BTW, end of August makes 3 years for us.


I had a friend who also did a silent ultimatum (which in case you're not sure, just means you set a deadline for yourself, but you dont' tell the guy). And she just started doing her own thing more and more, kinda pulling away if you will. She quit playing "house" with him basically. And well, she got a proposal.


Another woman I know, gave her guy of 10 years an ultimatum. IT came and went. They were together another




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 7:06pm

without knowing the reasons that he's not ready, it's kinda hard to say. The big thing that I'm wondering is "do those reasons have merit....or is he just stringing you along?"

If the reasons have merit, you could discuss them and find comromise. Or if you think he's just stringing you along - then it's ultimatum time.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 7:08pm
If the end of August comes and there's no proposal, will you propose to him? Or do you just walk?
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 7:23pm

I will walk. If he asks why I'll tell him why and if he chooses to propose with anything for a ring, then I will accept.


I refuse to WAIT ON MONEY for a ring, to be the reason I am waiting for an engagement. Pretty much, that's what is stalling us now. A ring. Otherwise, I'm sure we'd be engaged already.


I won't propose to him. I know he wants it, I know I want it. And he knows I won't wait for a fancy smancy ring.....=)




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 8:29pm
I have a question for you cher. Do you think it's really just money for a ring that's holding him back? I know your situation is not exactly like mine but my boyfriend told me that it was money for a ring that was holding him back too and come to find out, he told me that he wasn't sure if I was the right one for him. I guess it's because I've been asking for a lot of things from him in the past and he really hasn't been able to deliver. He feels pressured to change and do a 180 wheras he hasn't been able to do this. August would be my date of walking too if he hadn't asked but since he said that he wasn't sure if I was the right one for him I feel like maybe I should end it sooner than later. He apologized for hurting me after saying he wasn't sure if I was the one for him and says he said it out of anger but it still lingers with me almost a week later. I guess what I'm asking is that if there are any other underlying issues as to why he wouldn't ask you. I don't really believe the not having money for a ring thing. In fact I told my bf that a ring doesn't matter it's just him asking that's important to me. I told him he could get me a ring later. I believe if you truely love someone and know that you want to spend the rest of your life with that person, the money thing wouldn't be important. Is a ring important to you or is it just important to him? If it's not important to you and august comes around and he doesn't ask I would tell him to forget the ring and just get engaged and get the ring later.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 9:19pm

The "silent ultimatum" strategy is a good one. Give yourself a timeframe and commit to it. This way, you're making a choice for yourself -- based on your own needs and best interests.

I don't believe in verbal ultimatums -- either this or that. Asking someone to make a choice instead of making your own choice isn't the mature approach. Plus, it's too easy for someone to just say "ok" and agree in order to hold onto what they have but not REALLY commit to it. If you say to your b/f ... "either we get engaged or I leave" ... he'll probably agree to some sort of long term engagement in order to appease you ... but, what you'll probably be left with is an empty, unfulfilled promise.

Men, in general, want to feel like they've accomplished certain things and be at a certain point in their lives before taking this step ... whereas a lot of women are more inclined to want marriage for the love despite the timing. Reality is, it takes love AND timing.

We havent' heard your age yet ... but, I do believe it's important here ... because, I'm wondering why you feel you can't wait 3 yrs, if all things considered the relationship is great and he says he sees a future with you. If you're in your 20s, why not give it another year and see where it goes. I can understand the not wanting to wait 3 yrs thing if you're in your mid-30s and you want children and you feel like the clock is ticking. Otherwise, what's the rush? Enjoy the relationship. Enjoy each other and trust the flow and the timing. As well, putting too much emphasis on what other people think and what other people are saying and expecting isn't good for you. It needs to be about you and him, not what other people think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 10:07pm

It must have hurt to hear that. Hugs to you... Well, you may have hit on the real reason why he would like to delay a proposal. You mention that it was said out of anger, but this would cause me great concern.

Regarding the ultimatums - he has already drawn his line in the sand and clearly stated his expectations to you. No proposal for at least three years. It is now up to you to accept that or not.

Do you want to get married now, or be married to him? If it is to be married now (or soon) there is a definite difference about what you both want and when you want it. In that case, you need to look elsewhere for someone who is ready for the same commitment you are ready for. If it is to be married to him, you both need to talk about what the issues are and what compromises can be made that both of you can live with.

If he is unwilling to confront and issues head on with you, that should tell you enough about his readiness to be a husband. I think you would want soemone who is able to do this with you (as hard as it may be).

Best wishes for you both, I know it isn't easy...

BTW - a co-worker of mine told me that his now-wife gave him an ultimatum in their second week of dating - "You have six months to decide if you want to be married to me." Scary, but they have been married for 19 years now...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 11:53pm
To answer your questions, I am in my late 20's. I don't think my age should matter so much. I am not rushing--I've been in this relationship for 3 years already. The main point is that I feel I have found the right guy, and I want to know if he feels the same way. Now that I don't have any time constraints I can explain that we have had an extremely challenging relationship. He is from another state (I'm talking thousands of miles away, not hundreds) and his job requires him to travel frequently. He is out of town 2 nights out of the week at the very least. Sometim to es he's gone for 10 days straight. Once in a while when we think about it, we commend ourselves for being able to make this work. We ARE happy together. The reason I am heading towards the ultimatum thing is because I have sacrificed a lot to be in this relationship. I have a 8-5 job, and on weekends I would like to get out and do things. But when my boyfriend gets home from being on the road, he just wants to be home. He would love to go on trips with me, but he uses any vacation time he can get to fly home and see his family, who he only gets to see every 3 or 4 months. Basically I am not getting what I need from a companion in this situation. I was willing to deal with it because he was supposed to quit this job by now. Each year he says he is going to quit next year. Now the reason he is saying he needs to wait to get married is because he can see himself quitting in 3 years. I know plenty of people who are married to people who travel a lot for a living, and it works out fine once you get used to it (which is the case with us). My point is that if I am going to put up with this, I feel we should get married. Otherwise, yes I am in my late 20's, and I will spend what should be some of the best years of my life making sacrifices for someone who may never marry me. In other words, I want to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I really feel that someone who has a spouse/boyfriend who travels can relate to this. It's SO hard. Thanks for your stories and opinions. They've really helped me. And by the way, I don't want to get married right now. i'd like to get engaged and get married in a year more or less.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 11:05am





my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 1:00pm

violetbloom,
As re-iterated in your last post, your intentions and what you want from the relationship are very clear. One one hand, I commend you for knowing what you want and having a goal.

However, on the other hand, it is also clear that you're not quite seeing things clearly for the way it really is, and that is that his timeframe is quite different from yours ...yes, you know this ... but, you aren't believing it. You're convincing yourself that you can convince him to see things your way. That the sacrifices you've made and the 3-years you've put in somehow entitle you to a proposal. If you have to convince him, is it really right?

He's not saying he doesn't want to get married, he's saying he doesn't see if for another 3 or so years. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. If he was on the fence about getting married at all, you'd have a lot more to be concerned about. Love is patient. If you truly believe what you said in your post, that you are not rushing it, then ... why the timeframe of wanting to be married in a year?

Marriage is not a goal. It's a stop along the way during the journey.

I'll share with you my brother's story. He works for a pro sports team and for 6-months of the year travelled a lot. And, I mean A LOT. This worked great when he was a single guy, but ... when he met his g/f (now wife) ... it certainly did put limits on their time together. Long story short, he transferred departments to a position where he didn't have to travel hardly at all. Why? Because he was "marriage minded." He met the right woman, at the right time ... at a time when he was willing to make the necessary changes for the relationship to thrive.

As for how this relates to your situation with your b/f, you stated << I was willing to deal with it because he was supposed to quit this job by now. Each year he says he is going to quit next year. Now the reason he is saying he needs to wait to get married is because he can see himself quitting in 3 years. >>

He's been saying that he's going to make these changes but has yet to do so. Why? Well, only he knows for sure ... but, I'm inclined to say that b/c he feels its not in his best interest to do so yet. That said, if he were as "marriage minded" as you are ... he'd do what he'd need to do to make that happen. We all have options. But, that's not where he is.

If you know that he is the man for you, you'll know that patience is a worthwhile virtue. He's not saying that he doesn't want to be married or doesn't see you his future, he's saying that it's not the right time yet.

If your timeframe and goal is more important than this, and you're willing to give an ultimatum because you feel you've sacrificed for the relationship and he hasn't ... just know that he may agree only to not "rock the boat" ... do you really want to get engaged and plan a wedding only to have him say a month beforehand "I'm not ready" or worse yet, get married and then resent you for pressuring him when he wasn't ready? You might be left with less than what you have. Presenting an ultimatum means preparing yourself for all possible consequences ... because you are asking someone else to make a choice rather than making a choice for yourself ... which leaves you with no guarantee. We only have a guarantee or control of the outcome when we put the choice in our own hands.

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