Why is having a bf like torture for me??
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Why is having a bf like torture for me??
| Thu, 04-14-2005 - 9:51am |
I've been having this problem for a few weeks now, and it does not seem to be getting any better. My bf since December is so odd, he rarely calls me anymore, and we rarely see each other. When we first met he'd see me about 3 times a week and things were going great for the first few months. He told me he loved me in February, and we have had some wonderful dates. Even nights when he's mentioned our future and how he thinks we'll be together because he said I'm everything he's been looking for. But he is never around!! He is so distant!! He's in grad school so that plays a huge part in it, but my school is literally four blocks away from his school and he never stops by-no lunch dates, nothing!!! His dad died four years ago of cancer and ever since then people have told me he's had commitment issues. He's even admitting to them and told me he's over it and with me he's not afraid. I don't understand what's going on. Last week I met him at the bar and he asked me out for the next night and I turned him down because I already had plans and right after that he asked me to go to his mom's wedding with him and also mentioned how he wants to take me out to the Phillies game after finals are over. Yet, I haven't been on a date with him in almost 2 weeks now and it's now Thursday and I haven't heard from him all week. He IMed me Monday night and was really nice but that was it! No phone calls!!!!! It's stopping me from concentrating on my work and I'm even having dreams about this now. There is no communication and I can't understand what to do. We never fought yet, we always have a good time when we're out, we get along great together, yet what is going on?!!??! HELP ME I don't want to look desperate and call, I feel so stuck. This is making me cry all the time, it's torture to me what he's doing. I never know where we stand. I rarely ever call him because I'm old-fashioned and don't like to be the aggressor. If he calls me I almost always call back, yet at this point I don't want to call so late in the week because it'll be looking like I'm asking for a weekend date. What is wrong with this picture? I don't even know if I'm seeing my boyfriend again this weekend-for two weekends in a row!! IS he even still my boyfriend!?!?!

Hugs.
I have to answers for you. The first is to suck it up and call him and ASK him what is going on. Tell him how you are feeling, what you need in the r'ship, and how he's needs to give you a bit more than an IM once every two weeks and that you two need to see each other more. However, be prepared for him to say he can't give you more. At that point, you need to then decide if this "torture" is worth it.
The second answer is.......if you are "old-fashioned" and you refuse to call him, then you must realize that he's not chasing you anymore, and that it's over.
You seem to be "out of sight, out of mind" in his world, and that to me means that he's not truly interested in you, for whatever reasons. Yeah, he asked you to go to his mom's wedding or even a Phillies game, and yet, you haven't seen him in two weeks or spoken to him. Actions NOW are speaking louder than words. To me, it seems like he tells you these thigns, to keep you around, and yet, he doesn't want to put any effort into the r'ship.
He's not making ANY effort to be any sort of bf, and therefore, I don't really think he's interested anymore. Sorry.
There's not much
Did he ask you about another day? Did he ask you out again? Or was that it? He asked, you said you had plans, end of that bit?
I dunno. I'm sorry, he just does not seem that interested in you. I could be totally wrong, but the fact that there's no calls, etc, makes me doubt him.
Also, I wonder if he feels like YOU don't care or aren't interested because you don't call him. Hey, some guys don't like always being the first to call. I know you don't want to call him first, but well, you other choice is to wait around for him to call you all the time. And obviously, he's showing you he's not willing to make time for you..........so.................there's not much more to say.
Like i said, you ahve a few choices. Don't call him, but accept the way he treats you and don't let it bother you. Don't call him and let him go. Call him ask HIM out, or see what is going on. the point being, YOU have CHOICES.
Well then, you have two choices. Accept him as is or reject him as so many other women have.
Basically, he's telling you he's not going to change. He uses the excuse of his father dying over and over again. Hey, everyone has hurt before, some people use the hurt to gain strength and change/move on. He wallows in it, cuz that means he's not responsible for his actions. And therefore, you can't "complain" but you know what? YOU CAN!
My dbf treated me like this too in the beginning, he would treat me like a goddess when we were together and a big fat nobody when we weren't together. He'd pay a lot of attention to me when I was there, but if I wasn't, he'd rarely return my calls, he'd call me ONLY when HE felt like it. Basically, I was there ONLY when he wanted me to be.
When I broke up with him, I told him why, and said he couldn't commit to me, couldn't put me as a priority, and I didn't feel I deserved being ignored when we weren't together. And that his actions confused the heck outta me. The ONLY reason we're together is because HE did NOT want to lose me and thought about what I said, that I ended it, etc, and came back to me and said he'd fix it. Within three months, things had changed drastically.
But the point is, I was willing to walk away because I KNOW I deserved better than what he was giving me. And well, so do you. You deserve a man who WANTS to call you, WANTS to be with you, doesn't ignore you for weeks. You deserve better. But alas, it's your choice. I made mine. I'm glad dbf came back and fixed the problems, but I knew I needed more and deserved better, so I walked.
The choice is yours. But if you choose to stay with him, then you have to be willing ACCEPT him AS IS and not complain about it and not get upset about it. You have to learn that he'll contact you when HE wants and since you don't call/contact him, that's how it'll ALWAYS be. And right now, he's SHOWING you that he doesn't need you in his life, on a constant basis, nor that he really needs you there much at all.
I can relate. My bf is very similar. He works 12+ hour days and is always on call. He has his son every weekend also. He has been really bad about remembering me in the past. It is better now however. I decided that I needed to take the initiative and arrange things with him. It is not that he does not want to be with me or spend time with me, it is just that he does not have time to even do his laundry, eat(literally...he forgets), clean his house, etc. I learned not to take his lack of calling as him not being interested in me. He does not know how to juggle it all and he is bad at communicating. So, now I call him and/or I stay at his house a few nights a week plus I am there on the weekends with him and his son. I don't even ask him what we are doing, because I just make sure I am there. It is a given. I know that must sound odd and not very romantic, but he really enjoys the fact that I am there and is always happy to see me. Slowly, since the pressure is off of him having to plan stuff, etc., he is now thinking of little things to do for me and making plans again. It is like when we first starting seeing each other.