I still don't get it...
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| Thu, 04-14-2005 - 11:49am |
Ok, girls. You all should know me somewhat by now... I just don't get it!!!
You know everything with Dave, in essence is terriffic. -He still hasn't deicded about that DC job- He spent last weekend with me gazing in my eyes and saying, I like you SO much. I REALLY like you. As he did the weekend before. Really, it scares me. lol. Naw, I LOVE it.
ANYWAY
My problem today. I have posted on here before about my ex troubles. The cpncensus was who cares- move on. Ok, that's not working.
THE GIST- BACKGROUND STORY
My current bf is my only bf. I had a sexual relationship with a guy i was desperatly in love with from Feb-AUg of last year, and whom I have remained in constant-1x a week about- contact with ever since. He was having sex with 2 other women (noth ex gf's, a mutual FWB arrangement) while he and I were sleeping together. I lost my virginity to him. A friend of mine manipulated us both into thinking the other was telling us lies. She claims to have had sex with him now too. (She and I do not speak. Or rather, she harrasses me and I ignore her.) On Valentine's Day Matt got back together with an ex-gf. This was one of teh women he was having sex with while he and I were together. I later found out he had dated her as well. He did not tell me he was dating women in fact he told me, he owuld not be dating at all while we were involved. The entire year last year was a string of breakdowns. I love dhim and let him use me. Yes, I was stupid. But I loved him. LOve is blind. And STUPID!!!
NOW--- EARLIER TODAY
I have not seen Matt since August when we last had sex. I saw him once in his car and he once snuck up on me on campus and said BOO! But we were both on our way somewhere else so I just laughed and that was it. Today I walked into a computer lab on campus and there he was. i tried to pretend I hadn't seen him. He stared at me. Then looked away. FInally it was just too obvious so when I walked to an empty station I tapped him with my newspaper as I walked by, and said Hi. He gave me a smile and a nod. When I was done with my work, I tried to high tail it out of there so we wouldn't walk out together. Even now he gives me butterflies and make me nervous- yet extremly uncomfortable. I want to see him and yet don't. When I walked out, he chased me down the hall to talk to me. CHit chat, hey how are you, how's school, we talked about a mutual friend. It was ok at first though i said a few lame things ( Like, gee youre not as tall as I remembered... ) He says he'll see me later.. (?)
NOW--- TONIGHT
Online tonight, we start Im'ing and just through out usual chatter, I find out he is breaking things off with his girlfriend... So I ask him so more details about her- whats her name, etc ( we always talk about her and I know alot about her, but it never occured to me to ask her name, im dumb) I find out she was his ex-roommate. I find out she was his roommate when we got together. I then deduce we had had sex with her in teh next room. I wanted to THROW UP. I feel HORRIBLE. I feel horrible for OMG poor her, this guy you like is shacking up with someone in the NEXT ROOM? And then, OMG he was sleeping with his roommate?! AND me, AND anotehr EX? ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME?? How CRASS is that? I cannot believe he did that. You know, I never would have slept with him if I had known he was dating other women while we were together- I dillusionally thought he and I would date once he was "ready"...(oh, god thats embarrassing..) and I SURE AS HECK wouldnt have slept with him knowing his EX GF wa sin the NEXT ROOM.
Now I am going to cry. I feel terrible. Please be nice. I am a sissy, I don't take harshness or reality checks well. :(
On top of all that, I feel guility for feeling bad because of David..(DBF)
Emily

In regards to the X, all you can do is say, "you're scum" and move on. Not necessarily TO him, but well, I wouldn't get involved with him again. I mean, it's one thing to be in a FWB, it's another to know one of the OTHER women he's having sex with is his roommate, of which was in the next room. I mean, my gawd, keep them separate. Also, it really bothers me that ALL his FWB were basically X's. He got back together with one, I wonder if they truly were apart, and now is kinda seeing if you're game to start up a FWB again since he's "single" again, or so he says.
With that one, I kow you get butterflies and all that, and you felt you loved him, but in reality, there was no r'ship, the love was one-sided, and well, you lvoed him for the man you thought he was, not the man he truly is. Now that you are seeing his true side, I wonder, do you still love him as
ARGH!
I wish I could get good and PISSED at him, but more I sit here and just feel hurt. Bieng angry is so much easier, I wish I could feel like that.
But relaly this whole thing just makes me want to run to my DBF, crawl in his lap, look in his eyes and ask him if he is relaly truely being honest with me about eveyrthing and could you ever cheat on me and do i have nay reason to not trust you- and thent o just snuggle, becuase really that happiest and safest place inthe world for me is having his arms around me.