What to do with him?????
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| Thu, 04-14-2005 - 12:07pm |
NEED HELP!!!!!!!!
My boyfriend is a mess! We have been together for about 1 1/2 years, living together for almost a year. He has alot of problems. He broke his neck in a car accident 4 years ago. He has a pending lawsuit and after moving here to Florida with me from New York, finally received the medical attention to his pain (thanks to me)that he couldn't receive up there. I have had numerous problems with him stemming from his problems. He has over drank to compensate for the pain, which he becomes the devils spawn when doing so. He has drained my bank account several times while drinking. When he isn't drinking he is a great guy.
We finally got him hooked up with a pain management doctor a neurologist and a neuropsychologist to help him. I have taken numerous hours off work to take him to doctors appointments, get medication, pick up reports, get radiology exams, etc. Not to mention I helped him get his Florida Drivers Licence, given him use of my car to run errands, etc.
I have put up with his drinking and forgiven him over and over and over again.
We recently got the house of our dreams, everything great! The final report from the neuropsychologist came yesterday. I got to page three and I almost fainted. He told the neuropsychologist that he is happy sometimes and that I am very abusive to him from time to time!!!!!!!!
ABUSIVE? TO HIM? My God, I have put up with more than the average person would with him. I have aged because of it. All because I love him so much! What was that? This report is being used in court, his attorney, all his doctors and family! What will they think of me? What was he thinking? Im am livid!!!!!
I have not said a word to him, except I will be moving out, with no reply from him. He doesn't even know why Im mad and never asked.
He also has been found to have brain damage, I neglected to say.
What is your take on this? Should I leave? What was he thinking?
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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It's hard to say what he was thinking, but it appears he's looking for someone to take care of him. He doesn't sound very independent or like he's able to handle his own problems and issues. Whether this has to do with his brain injury or whether it's just his personality...that's something only you can determine.
Does he like to play the victim? Is he capable of functioning or has the accident left him unable to work or live without assistance? Is he playing the injury to the hilt to collect more on the lawsuit?
Do you feel like he's been using you all this time - money, a place to live, help with medical problems. If he were completely healthy do you think he'd be living with you right now?
If nothing else, he owes you for draining your bank account. Whether he's man enough to pay you back when he settles his lawsuit, that remains to be seen. It just sounds to me like he's looking for a caretaker and he's not too considerate in how he treats that caretaker.
He has real pain, I know that, he has a plate and six screws in his neck. I have seen him in pain.
He is on disability and does not work but gets money from the lawsuit (against it) whenever he needs it, plus his disability check every month, he has plenty of money, and he has paid all fees and replaced the money everytime.
After everything, do you think I am right to leave?
He does mean verbally, or he better anyway. He doesn't like it when I tell him he is doing something wrong. He calls that "Yelling" at him. Sometimes he sounds just like a child. But your right, I should ask, but his answer will be juvanile as always.
Im being eaten alive over this one, should I stay or should I go? I don't really believe he wants me to go.
Why do you continue to ask a question you know the answer to....,should you leave? YES and as quick as possible. I see others have told you to talk to him about it, but what is the point....so he can rope you into staying longer and taking advantage of you longer? So you can hear the juvenile answer you said he would give you? Do not fool yourself and think he is a great guy when not drinking (I did this for a year with a guy who became mean when he drank but b/c it wasn't frequent and he was so nice and everything I wanted the rest of the time I stayed). but do you know what staying did to me....slowly started eating away at my self esteem and causing non-stop stress for me as well as walking on egg shells thinking about when the next time he would be mean was.
If he has a mean side to him it will always be there until he chooses to deal with it. Just b/c he is in pain and needs someone to care for him does not give him the right to take advantage of this....and if he is well enough to go out to bars he is well enough to do something else with his life. He may not be able to work now and be on disability, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be accomplaishing anything in life.
Nothing about this relationship sounds healthy and if it is destructive for you than it is not in your interest to stay...RUN!
Well he now has the right medication for him, finally! When he does drink he doesn't go out to bars, he drinks at home. He loves to landscape, and now that we have the house he is very busy in the yard. He has tried college, even got on the deans list, but the headaches he gets was too bad to concentrate. If he over extends himself he is in terrible pain for 2-3 days throwing up.
I do understand where you are coming from. I am sorry you had to go through that. It must have been horrible.
I truly believe that he knows not the ramifications of his actions. He has NO common sense what so ever. NONE!!!!!!!
I don't know what was going through his head to tell this neuropsychologist that I am "Abusive" to him from time to time. That makes me sound HORRIBLE, and no one who reads that report is going to know any different about me now. It is not something that can be changed. I feel branded!!!!! Trapped by this answer he gave!!!!!!!!!!
Have you ever thought about couples counseilng? To deal with what you BOTH have been thru? And how you feel now, and how things will be in the future? what you both expect from each other? etc etc etc
It sounds like you two have been living day to day, never thinking about the future. also, maybe the things you DO say to him CAN be construed as abuse. I never thought what I said was abusive, but now when I think back to the things I said, I was VERY verbally abusive to my X's.
I see so many red flags, that I'd say run. but it seems like you feel obligated to stay with him because he's "disabled" that's your choice. however, i'd start talking with a shrink, about his brain damage, aobut your r'ship, WITH HIM THERE, and about your future together.
The psychologist that wrote the report wants to continue to see him. He had told me a couple of weeks ago that this doctor told him, "Don't marry her until I get to talk to her"! I was like "Ok"!, I figured he was going to tell me all about what his findings were on him and to let me know the ramifications I would face in the future due to his physical and mental handicaps!
Now I know better! He thinks I am this big burly girl that is verbally and metally abusing this poor, defenceless disabled man. Of course I have said things out of anger, I also have apologized for them afterward. I am no different than anyone else on this earth and neither is he. Everyone I have talked to about this type of thing has said, "If you ever meet someone who said they never said anything out of anger, is a liar"!
But his mind takes only what I say and not the things he says. He blames me or makes me pay for what I say and he doesn't even remember what he has said. I would be more than happy to go to couples counseling. I am not staying with him because he needs me, I truly love the man. I know alot of what he does now is not normal and that because of the extent of his injuries, it may only get worse. He is only 38 years old, so that would be a long time for me.
But he has come too far, with doctors, medication and now the counseling to give up. But yet the other part of me feels, he will never understand.
Well, don't judge what the psychologist would think of you due to your dbf's words. MOST shrinks don't make cut and dried judgements. For all you know, his shrink KNOWS how your dbf is and wants to make sure YOU are okay with things, instead of an abusive person.
Your bf sounds like he mentally abusive to you....and well, that's a choice you may have to live with, if you choose to stay with him. My thoughts would be, ask the shrink if you can talk to him about long-term r'ship btwn you two, if you guys can have couple sessions, etc. S/He's the person to talk to. I'd start setting those up, so you can understand how he will be, and if this r'ship for the future is plausible or not.
I think it's time to talk to the shrink, or to talk to him real soon. good luck.
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