long term bf, having serious doubts

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2005
long term bf, having serious doubts
15
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 4:11pm

I'm 23 and have been a in a long term relationship with my boyfriend for about 7 years now (and sharing an apartment together for 2).

We are basically high school sweethearts, in every sense of the word. When we met, I was 16 and he was 18 - and we were both each other's first love. We have never taken a break from each other and neither of us has ever been with anyone else.

We generally have a very safe and comfortable relationship. We enjoy each other's company and we both feel very secure in our life together (we are also doing good money wise, and have plans for a house, etc). There is no doubt in my mind that I love him and consider him my best friend, however as our relationship heads towards an even more serious commitment (the house, marriage), I'm finding I have a lot of serious doubts about our relationship.

For example, I have trouble communicating my feelings to him. We no longer make love, and sex is very infrequent. And although we do enjoy doing things together and we cuddle a lot, there seems to be little romance in our relationship (pretty much none - and it has been this way for years). In fact, a year ago he expressed to me a fear that we were just really good friends who loved each other -- but were perhaps not meant to be together as a couple. Well that has always been a big fear of mine, but we ended up making up, and I brushed it under the carpet (probably out of fear of being alone for the first in my adult life).

However, those same fears keep nagging at me. I am wondering if this relationship was really meant to be, and I am also wondering what it would be like to be with other people. I have never cheated on my boyfriend (and don't intend to), but there is also a friend of mine who I have been developing romantic feelings for lately. So now I am wondering what it all means.

On the one hand, I'm not completely satisfied and happy with my relationship... and I am having major doubts. On the other... I don't want to just throw away 7 years without giving things a chance to improve. But it just seems like we haven't been "truly close" for years -- and even though we've talked about it before, it doesn't seem to ever improve.

I really don't want to take this relationship to the next level of commitment with all of these doubts on my head. I just don't think that would be fair to either of us. Is it possible that are just really good friends/companions who are attached to each other - but not in love anymore?

- lost and confused

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 4:21pm

My two cents. Consider couples counseling. It will help you two really dig into the issues. I mean, finding the romance is easier than, say, trying to understand why someone doesn't have the same values, and aren't willing to change.


Also. BECAUSE you have been together for a long time, I'm sure there is always that fear of missing out on other people, not knowing if you're the one, letting them go, etc, etc, etc.


I seriously think an therapist can help you with that, because to be honest, we could say do this or that, but we need to hear his side, and have to see you two REALLY put an effort into things.


Hugs. I hate to say this, but the biggest reason I see "high school sweethearts" separate in their early 20's, is largely due to growing up and wanting different things. The 20's is a time for HUGE growth. Some can weather it well, others can't. Only you know your r'ship.


So far, though, it sounds like you've already given up and want out, but are scared of "being alone" for the first time as an adult.




my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2005
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 10:09am

Thanks for your advice, cherbear017.

I think you're right about me being scared. I'm really afraid of losing the comfort and support I have in the relationship, but at the same time... I don't think it would be fair to either of us if I stayed just for that reason.

However, at this point I still need to confront him about this (again), and talk to him about it. He's always working, though, and it just seems like there is never a good time to drop this sort of bomb. You know? I hate the idea of hurting him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 11:06am
There will never seem a good time, but I think the best time is when you both are cuddled up enjoying each other. The mood is light and easy and it doesn't seem confrontational at all. Remember to use the word I, that way he doesn't get defensive when you are expressing your concerns and he will take them as concerns and not a fault he has to defend he is doing what he needs. I wish you all the best.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2005
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 11:22am
Thanks cl-bastphilliy... I will keep that in mind about using the word "I." Because honestly, I don't feel like he is doing anything wrong. He is a good guy and he doesn't mistreat me or anything. I just feel like we've grown up to be more brother/sister than boyfriend/girlfriend. You know?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 11:32am

Sometimes that is not good. What makes you think it is more like brother/sister? I have grown apart from people I have dated because I began to want different things but brother and sister is a bit different. That to me says there is no passion left.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 11:37am

I'm going to have to disagree. If i was cuddling up with




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 11:53am
No offense taken, I understand where you are coming from. I guess when I am alone with someone that is the time to speak up. I have limited experience with living with a guy. Only my ex husband and no time was ever good but while dating we cuddle a lot so it has always been easy for me to talk in that situation. If I ever lived with another guy again it will be a big change for me. I guess why it hasn't happened again and I do not see it happening for aleast the next 11 yrs or more.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2005
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 11:54am

cl-bastphilliy,

It is hard to explain, but you are probably right about the passion being gone. And it has been gone for several years now. We've talked about it before, and I've tried making an effort to get it back. For example, we went on a vacation recently - and things were great. We had a lot of fun and were really close... but we still didn't make love and there really wasn't any romance.

I just feel like we are best friends or like brother/sister, and I think that is why we don't have much sex anymore. I love him deeply, but I just don't feel attracted to him in that way... just like I would love a brother or male best friend, but not want to sleep with them.

And when he does come on to me for sex, I always feel like my first instinct is to push him away for some reason. I don’t know why, because I still find myself very attracted to men and interested in sex. So it isn’t a problem with my sex drive (or his). It is something else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2005
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 12:01pm

Cher and Marie - I think you both give good advice, thank you. Marie, I like your advice about using the word *I* and not forcing him on to the defensive by making it sound like *he* is at fault. And Cher, I like your advice about asking him to set aside a time to talk about the relationship.

Thank you both for taking the time to talk to me about this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 12:04pm
I think you are at your changing stage. I was 23 when I left my sons father and was getting divorced. I had changed and wanted other people not him. I had grown in another direction. I had been with him for 5 yrs. We all grow and change. Doesn't mean you love him less or he means less just he is not where you are right now in your life. I would get out and explore life and date other people. I know that is hard since you both live together and that will be a big change but, I can say this is not something that is going to change. I saw my bestfriedn go through the same thing at the same age with her high school sweetheart. Well, actually they had dated since middle school. It was something had to be done. Only difference I was a mom and she not but she took the time to grow as a person and individual. Though I was a mom I had to do the same. Now, I am glad I did and so is she. She is now married with a 1 y/o daughter. Though it hurt her to leave that first love but she needed to grow into her.
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