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| Thu, 04-14-2005 - 4:44pm |
I'm new here so please bear with me. I'm 43 and have been in love with a man for over 23 years. We dated when I was 19 for about 3 1/2 years. He was a lot older than me and divorced with a 5 year old son, and my "catholic" parents refused to let me see him. Of course, I did see him without them knowing and then 3 1/2 years go by and he wants to marry me. I couldn't say yes (foolish, I now know), but I was from a very strict environment and I was afraid. At that point we split up. He married someone else about 2 years later . . . it took me about 9 years to marry someone else. I now have an 11 year old child. Last June I met this man again after all these years. We both were married to other people. He had been very unhappy in his marriage and has had a "sexless" marriage for over 5 years". I have had the same. Our feelings for each other never stopped. We fell right into each others arms again and mutually decided that we were always meant to be. We decided we couldn't live like this anymore and we both knew that we were meant to be together. I started divorce proceedings in January and he did the same. He and his wife agreed on the split and as of the morning of January 14th they were getting a divorce. By that evening, I got a phone call from her and she stated that he was staying with her and would never leave her. He just got on the phone and said "yeah". That was it. I did not see him again until a couple of weeks ago (I visit his mother every week in a convelescent home - he lives about an hour away from me and so does his mother). When I ran into him at the convelescent home, I was a mess. He told me that his wife had called his employer (whom she'd known for over 15 years) and told him that if he was to even call or e-mail me to fire him immediately. She also told him she'd never survive without him. She also has kept track and handles all of the finances, savings, etc. She is a woman with no family (because she has disassociated herself from them) and she also is not sociable and has very few friends (2 to be exact). He is the opposite. He is very sociable and has a lot of friends. He told me that he couldn't leave her because he couldn't hurt her like that. When he saw me he said that "he and I would never be done, even if he never saw me again" and that he still loved me very much. He said his dream is to be with me but he just can't hurt her. She is 55 and he is 56. I'm 43. He is not attracted to her at all and I know this - I have seen her and she does not take care of herself. When he saw me at the convelescent home he said I'll call you, give me time (of course he said give me about a week and it's been 2 weeks and I haven't heard a word). His mom who's 90 tells me all the time that he does not love his wife, that he has always loved me and he always will and she believes someday he'll open his eyes and realize that what he is doing is wrong. When we were together he told me that he often wanted to call me but didn't want to ruin my marriage, but he said he knew eventually he would leave her and find me. Well now we're not together, I'm free, he knows this . . . and he's back with her. What do I do? What do I think? Please help. Will he come back? Thank you for spending the time to read this, I truly appreciate it.

I don't know if he'll ever be yours. but as long as his wife is alive and blackmailing him (which is what she's doing) and as long as he doesn't have the you know what to leave him, he will always be her's.
I'm sorry. HE is the one that needs to leave her, and obviously she's holding somethign against him, because I have a feeling there's a lot more going on than just "I don't want to hurt her like this" because he was ready to and okay with it.
I can't tell you what your future holds, only know that you have two choices. Live your life forever waiting for him, or move on and find someone who can fulfill what he can't. Love and good sex from a compatible partner. There isn't just one "the one", so as much as it hurts, he's not willing to leave. It's too bad, but well, that's the chance you took.
Hey ritapita...I'm so sorry to hear about the gigantic emotional mess that you are in with this man, but HE has some choosing to do, and it seems as if she has a hold on him that HE isn't willing to break free from.
Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?