I love him but.....should I be with him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
I love him but.....should I be with him?
4
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 7:03pm

The first thing I want to say is that I LOVE my boyfriend very much. He is a great guy and we have a really strong connection to one another. That being said I sometimes have doubts as to whether or not we should be together. I did not want a very serious relationship when we began seeing each other. I am only 19 and have never lived anywhere other then with my family in the same town, while he has had the experience of living on campus and participating in the normal college students activities.

When we first started dating I just thought it was going to be a fun, not very serious relationship. But as time went on I couldn't break up with him even after he said he loved me and I still can't because I love hime too. A lot of the time I feel as if I am the guy in the relationship and he is the girl (he is very clingy). I do not like this. I do not want him to dominate me but I do wish he would assert his opinions and take the lead every once in a while.

I do not ever get to hang out with my friends and have basically lost all contact with them, because he throws a fit if I am not with him every night. We also have a very different work ethic that leaves me very frustrated with him, because he insisits on being around me everyday for like 8 hours and he doens't like for me to do my homework around him because he feels neglected that but after working(full time) and school (full time and have to have a scholarship to go there) this leaves no time for homework . He is not at all ambitious while I am very.

He doesn't have any idea that I have thought these things and it would hurt him horribly to know that I did. I do not want to hurt him because his parents have done enough of that, and he is very dependent on me (which is part of the problem),I have enough responsibility and pressure without adding to it.

Thank you for reading this. I just do not know what to do because I know if I break up with him I will regret it, and I do not want to hurt him by breaking up with him. But if any of you can offer some suggestions it would be greatly appreciated.

Lee

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 8:20pm

I don't know what to say, mostly because, HE needs to realize what he's doing and be willing to change it. He's too dependent on you and well, that can chase ANY woman away.


I also wanted to say, staying because you don't want to hurt someone, is'nt love, it's pity. Love doesn't conquer all, so no matter how much you two love each other, it may or may not work out, and sometimes, even with all the love in the world, you have to let go of each other. I had to let go of my xh, whom I loved very much. And still do (but in a diff way). But we also knew at the time, we were not right for each other and we were just hurting each other more by being together than by being apart.


My only suggestions would be to talk to him about getting some professional help, or at least reading books about being overly dependent on a person, how being clingy etc can kill a r'ship. He needs to be open to chnage. And letting you go in the sense of not being clingy. But HE needs to be willing, THAT is the main thing.


Hugs. There's not much you can do to make things better, if he's clingy. If anything, things will get worse if you try to "pull away" "get space" etc. This is a delicate situation. I hope others can give you some advice.





my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 10:07pm
get him a book on codependent relationships
tell him that he has to do things for himself or eventually you will have to break up
don't worry about his feeling hurt by telling him this, he is controlling your life by you feeling sorry for him
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 12:10am

Gosh, if ever there were a story that paralleled my life, yours is it.

Honey, go back and read your post. You are ONLY 19, and there's a HUGE world out there waiting for you to explore. Please, please, please don't allow this guy to sidetrack your ambitions and your life because you don't want to 'hurt' him. He's crippling you, and you're allowing it to happen.

Get out of this relationship.....completely and the sooner the better. No 'let's be friends'; no 'maybe it'll work out later'---that'll only land you right back where you are now. I'm quite certain you've probably heard this from those around you who love you--take the advice to heart. It'll save you a TON of unhappiness in the future.

You can neither save nor change him--he'll always be the ball and chain he is now.

Don't sacrifice yourself for the sake of this man, or you'll spend time w/unhappy him always telling you that if YOU only did this or that, HE'd be happy--what a crock. A healthy relationship requires that both parties make sacrifices to fulfill the relationship, but it doesn't leave one party wondering........

V.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 1:12am

Thank you all for your advise it gave me a prespective that I had not considered before. It will give me a starting point when trying to decide what to do.

Thanks

Lee