Stuck in drama I don't want to be

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Stuck in drama I don't want to be
6
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 11:06am

Okay, going to try to make this situation make some sense.

I am recently separated/divorced from xh. We met young (17 for me, 16 for him) and had children young. It was a great relationship the first couple of years (We were together 7 years) and started to go downhill from there big time. We both ignored what was happening for a long time, not wanting to admit that our perfect life was FAR from perfect. In the end we couldn't ignore the fact that we had grown to two very different people with goals in life that just couldn't mesh no matter how hard we tried and that at least for me, I no longer felt the same way towards him. We were co-parenting and roommates and that was about it. We tried, or at least I did, and it made no difference so I initiated the divorce. To say he wasn't happy would be very mild. He's doing better now though and I'm a much happier person as well.

The drama comes in concerning a mutual friend. First off, this is a guy I have known since before I met xh. Another younger man, lol. I was 15 and he was 13 or 14 when we met at a local punk show. We've been very close friends ever since and he's the only person in my life I've been able to tell everything and vice versa. We really get each other and get along, I know his family he knows mine, we know how each of us have changed over the years and what brought about those changes, we've been through some incredibly rough times together and have just generally been there for each other, we know each others bad and annoying habits and have long since gotten used to them. For all the years we've known each other we've never actually been single at the same time, until now that is. Well, after a few very long talks and admitting that throughout the years that we've known each other we've had on and off crushes on the other person we've decided that we don't want to let this chance pass us by and that we want to start dating.

The problem is that he and xh have become very good friends and I KNOW this is going to upset xh incredibly. I know, I should probably just forget all about a relationship with my friend and see if there is anyway that he and I can just remain friends. Though I honestly don't know how easy that would be at this point and it might mean giving up the friendship/relationship entirely. It just doesn't seem fair that after putting my needs and wants last for so many years even now that we are separated I need to continue to do so. Friend and I have discussed waiting even longer but we also want to let xh know before anything happens and at this point we don't really know how much longer that will be. It isn't even as though we can avoid each other, my basement is being refinished and my friend is doing all the electrical work, so he has to be over fairly often.

If I do end up in a relationship with my friend then I need to find a way to tell xh. He already knows that friend and I have discussed it and that it's a possibility for sometime in the future. He didn't seem to happy to say the least but I know that his reaction is nothing compared to what it would/will be when I tell him friend and I are actually going to date. Any advice on this situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 11:14am

Is your divorce final? Has your ex accepted things are over and began to move on? I only ask because you said you felt that things weren't going right and intiated the divorce but not that you both talked about the problems before the divorce process and if he wanted to work on things. Because that would determine when and how you tell your husband.


Then it comes to mind, if your divorce is final. Then why does he have to know who you are dating. This is when my selfish nature comes in and I say so what. I am single and will do what is going to make me happy and he has to deal with it.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 11:36am

Divorce isn't final because in NJ we have to be separated for 18 months, still have a year to go. He does know it's over though and that there is zero chance of reconciliation, but I'm not sure he feels ready to move on yet, in fact I'm basically 100% sure he doesn't. Previous to separating we had quite a few talks over our goals in life and the fact that I was always the one who had to support his goals because, in his own words, he'd "be miserable following any other path." He was well aware exactly how miserable that was making me and that I considered my options stay with him and try to figure out how not to miserable or divorce him and deal with all of that but be able to follow my own goals and what makes me happy. I tried the not be miserable route for 2 years and it just wasn't working. The actual decision to divorce was mine but we had been talking about all the problems we were having for quite a long time before that and he wasn't willing to budge on anything.

Unfortunately almost all of our friends are mutual and he is close friends with the guy I want to date. There is no way he wouldn't find out plus he had asked me to tell him when I started to date again. Since we have two children together it also means that we have to see each other at least twice a week (I have custody but he has them Thursday afternoons and Saturday to Sunday) so I want to try and keep things as civil as possible. At this point we meet also go out once a week for an hour for coffee and to work on trying for a friendship.

Oh and just to settle anyones fears the kids are being kept out of this entirely, even if friend and I start dating it would be a very long time before the kids know. He's been around for basically their entire lives (was the first one to come visit after each was born) so him hanging around the house is totally normal to them anyway and it would definitely be hands off if the kids are anywhere near.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 11:57am
Ok, that changes a lot. If it were me I would not pursue the friend. Not right now. Divorce is difficult for children and if ex husband does not approve of the dating then it may affect the children because you two would be at odds. I would say hands off for now atleast untill the children are older or out of the picture so they are not in the middle.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 12:53pm

Seeing as how I don't have kids, my POV is a bit different, I didn't even think NOT to date until the kids are older, however, I was thinking....................


do NOT date this man until your divorce is 100% FINALIZED. Why do I say that? Because, your stbx can make your life a living hell, just to be spiteful. Fighting you on custody, alimony, etc. Whatevers. And trust me, I saw my cousin go thru that, and she wasn't even married, and it was UGLY. Drug accusations, alcohol accusations, adultery accusations. NOT pretty.


My two cents. Put off dating this man until your divorce is finalized. Not to sound lame, but if you've waited this long, one more year won't kill you. And by the math, I'm assuming you're not even 30 yet, so you have A LONG LONG time left.


As for the kids, after the divorce is finalized, I would take into consideration their age, how well thigns are going with the stbx. Because you wouldn't want your stbx to be saying thigns to them, or making them "spy" on you, etc. It can get ugly. AFTER divorce, at least you can get a better feel for how stbx is doing, how the kids are doing, etc.


But I agree with Marie, right now is NOT the time. I'm sorry. But right now, your kids come first.




my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 12:54pm

Yeah, you are both right, though I'll admit it's hard to hear. It's not custody, alimony, or court I'm worried about. One of our major goals issues stbx desire to continue touring with his band 9 months out of each year and that means he has no money, no steady job, no relaible place to live, etc etc, so it's literally impossible for him to take the kids fulltime and I'm getting almost nothing in child support and no alimony anyway. Nor do I think he would use the kids to spy, for all his faults he does love them incredibly and would never hurt them or use them. I do think extra tension between us could make things harder for them though. Right now they are doing fine with the separation, stbx was never consistently at home anyway and had already spent a year away for school. They actually probably see him more now than they did before.

I'm going to leave things open ended with my friend for now. Basically when stbx is ready to move on then we'll talk more about begining to date, however long that takes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 12:13am
I can completely relate to your situation. I was with my xh for six years (I divorced him which he didn't take well) and have been with my bf for 5 years and have been friends for 10 years now. As you can tell by the math, my bf and xh were friends...we all used to work and play together. Same as you, we were both always in relationships until one night after going out, he came back to my place (which was a common occurance) but this time, we let temptation get the best of us and we started secretly dating. It was really hard being discrete, especially since my xh moved to the same area as me and we really didn't want to deal with all of the drama from him as well as our friends. My bf told my xh out of friendship and we both knew that our relationship was going to cause a lot of issues and drama, but after a few months, we didn't care. Here we are 5 years later; he's my bf, by far THE best relationship I've ever had. Like you, we know which buttons to (or not to) push, but we have one of the healthiest relationships I know of. As for all of our friends and the xh, we said oh well...time for us to be true to ourselves and they'll get over it, which they all did, even the xh. So I say go for it. Sure there will be times that you question if it's right, you'll feel bad and guilty for being happy, but you said it yourself...you need to live for you now. Good luck to you!