Triangle and don't know what to do
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Triangle and don't know what to do
| Fri, 04-15-2005 - 3:55pm |
Okay....well i have been dating/talking to "J" for about 1 year now. We have known each other for a long time and have been friends, but the time was never right to be together until a cookout about a year ago at our mutual best friends house. We hit it off amazingly well and from then on out we were together. We are the best of friends. We laugh together and tell each other everything (even now we do - we are each others support in life). We had even dicussed marriage and was about to elope at the beach last summer. And the number one thing is that my son adored the ground that "J" walked on. His ex fiance of 3 years found out about us and she came back into the picture. She is telling him all the things that he has always wanted to hear from her: examples: she has changed, that she will try to like his family, that she will have a child with him now, she will marry him, she will stop fighting with him, etc...but the truth about the situation is that her kids tell other people that she hasn't changed and that she is just playing him. But the girls aren't going to tell him, because he is the only person that truly cares for them because she isn't much of a mother. Example, she leaves her kids at home alone well she goes to bars and drinks and then comes home about 5 in the morning, while they stay at home scared. "J" broke things off with me to figure out what he wants in his life, even after his parents fault for that not to happen. I am very close to his family and well she dislikes them and they feel the same about her. When they were together she fobid him to be around them. I know that he is trying to decide which one of us he wants to be with, but he tells me different. He tells me that he loves me. That he can't go days with out talking to me, that he adores me and he knows that i am more than just good looks, he tells me that the reason he still is in contact with her is because of her kids, he tells me that he can see us together in 20 years but he can't with her, he tells me that we have a special relationship that they have never had, BUT he wants to be "friends" with her and so the situation remains with us apart from each other. I am in the process of trying to move on with my life, and he is tore up about it. Whenever i decide to move on, "J" starts having panic attacks and all that and so we work things out. His mom tells him that the panic attacks are God telling him that he is in the wrong and that he is getting ready to lose the best thing that he has ever had. But It is as if she has a hold over him somehow. He tells me that whenever he goes to see her that i stay on his mind, so why don't he get it that he is in love with me?
Now the main thing is that i am religious in some ways. I don't think that things happen as a result of coincedence, I think that God has control over everything that happens. And for some reason, i don't think God wants me to totally leave him, but i think the time has come that i have to. Every time that i have a date, something happens with my family, his family or him where i have to cancel and it happens even when he has no idea that i have a date or plans. So is that God telling me not quite yet?
Someone help me before i go insane. Do i continue to try with him? Is there such thing as a soul mate, because i believe that he is mine? What do I do to make sure that he figures out that she is playing him? What happens now?
Thanks for listening and to whomever that helps. God Bless!
Now the main thing is that i am religious in some ways. I don't think that things happen as a result of coincedence, I think that God has control over everything that happens. And for some reason, i don't think God wants me to totally leave him, but i think the time has come that i have to. Every time that i have a date, something happens with my family, his family or him where i have to cancel and it happens even when he has no idea that i have a date or plans. So is that God telling me not quite yet?
Someone help me before i go insane. Do i continue to try with him? Is there such thing as a soul mate, because i believe that he is mine? What do I do to make sure that he figures out that she is playing him? What happens now?
Thanks for listening and to whomever that helps. God Bless!

If you love someone, let them go.
And instead of allowing him back in your life, maybe it's time for HIM to see how much he TRULY needs you when you walk out of his life forever. Meaning, let him have his panic attack, but instead of babying him, and allowing him back, walk out and say, I can't do this anymore.
He isn't going to make a choice until he is forced to. You are allowing him NOT to make that choice. I think it's time for him to choose. If he loves you, as much as he says he does and you feel he does, have faith that it will be hard, but that he'll choose you. You will have to walk away though. And I don't mean, linger nearby. I mean WALK away.
Also, I'm worried that he'd choose this other woman, only because of her kids. Meaning, he feels like he can take care of the kids, and "save them" whereas with you, you don't need "saving".
Hugs. I hope you get more advice. that's a tough situation.
The one and only time I told a man, "I am letting you go, because you are having a hard time making a decision btwn me and her. So, I am making the decision for you. Go to her and be good to her".
Funny thing happened. he went to her, and a month late, came crawling back to me begging for forgiveness, etc. The ONLY reason I didn't take him back, was cuz during that month apart, i found out he had been cheating on his live-in gf with me.
"J" may very well be your soul mate, and if this is truly the case, the two of you WILL be together come hell or high water. This man is sensitive to your needs and it sounds as if it is breaking his heart, however, he still chooses to be honest with you. If he didn't really love and care about you he could easily lie, and try to keep this other woman and his dealings with her, a secret. I feel that J probably truy does love her kids. And they love him. And appearantly he wants to be there for them. However, I am not convinced that however he may say he does not want to be with this other woman, she definately wants him. So.... their frienship can easily serve as "easy sex" (unfortunately.) What man doesn't enjoy it, when a woman pines for him. It's an ego booster. Not saying that he Needs his ego boosted, but we as women are darn good at it.
So spare your heart some of the pain and let this man be free. However, who's to say that you should not be a "friend" to him, during all of this. Put the shoe on the other foot. Be the same emotional life-line that you have always been for him. He probably needs you, and it sounds as if you are accustomed and need his emotional support also. Just eliminate the IC from the relationship. Maintain your dignity and respect through all of this, and in due time, ( i feel ) "J" will have worked through all of this other emotional mess with home-girl and her kidz, and you will have your man back. The man that you truly deserve.
Good Luck,
Jazzy
Do you want a 'soulmate' that can't seem to make up his mind which of you is the better option?
To my thinking, a true 'soulmate' doesn't have this dilemma--he recognizes you and you him w/o a myriad of hurdles between. THAT is God's plan for the world--peace and harmony.
Do you have that w/this one? Doesn't sound like it to me but only you know for sure.