Its over but is it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Its over but is it?
26
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 11:52am

Dear Board

I was in a relationship for 5yrs with my first love, during that time our relationship has problems like most couples but then we decided to end it. In feb this year he decided to come round my house 4am drunk telling me he loves me, naturally my parents were very upset at the time he came round as we all had to wake up for work so i reacted in away most people would, i got upset and shouted and told him that i didnt want to know. Two weeks after that happened i realised that i missed him and tried to get things back on track and he told me that he didnt want a relationship with me. he said he didnt love me anymore but he still cared and we could be friends. During this time he was very horrible to me, avoiding my calls, only calling when he wanted to and because i cared about him i allowed him to do it.

On one occasion when i called him a girl answered the phone and when i asked who it was he told me it ws his girlfriend, even though a week ago he told me he didnt want a relationship with anyone. The next day he told me she wasnt his girlfriend and that he just said that, so once again i put my cards on the table and told him how i felt and we could be friends but he has to treat me with a little respect. he said that he didnt know if he could treat me any different so i decided to leave it alone. I sent him a letter telling him how i felt and that if he changes his mind that im there for him. When i called the next day to see if he received the letter his phone picked up and i heard him speaking to another girl. i confronted him about it and he said it was just a girl who was round at his mates house so i believed him. On the 1st april i called him at home and a girl answered, he said that it was his girlfriend and when i started to question him she grabbed the phone and insulted me. The next day he rung to say sorry and that she had no right to do it and that she wasnt his girlfriend and that it wasnt serious. I told him that she must be cos she told me to stay away from her man and he said at the time she was his girlfriend.

I told him to tell me the truth and he stuck to the story that it isnt serious and that he hasnt even slept with her. The monday i found myself begging him to take me back and he said that i wasnt worth all this s**t, so from that i decided to cut all contact. i left a message on his answermachine the next day saying 'that i deserve better and that after five yrs together that it is out of order the way he has treated me and no matter how much i love him, i love myself more and will not be allowed to be treated like this, if he is happy with his new girlfriend that i wish him all the luck in the world'. Since then i havent contacted him at all, its been 10days and i havent heard anything from him.

Even though im getting on with things i still feel that it isnt over cos it seems like he didnt even know what is going on in his own life. friends tell me that if he wants to know he'll contact me and he might come back cos you dont fall out of love overnight and i cant believe that after 2wks of no contact he found someone else. DO you think i should continue on the path of no contact and see what happens or contact him and see if he wants to give it another go?

Lucy..xx

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 5:20pm

Lucy,
You claim that you have control and that you deserve better, but you're acting completely desperate, almost pathetically so, and I GUARANTEE you that he's senses it. He's treating you (and letting random girls) treat you like dirt and you keep calling back. Once I can see, but continually messing with your mind? I guarantee you that he's laughing at you when he hangs up and he and his friends make jokes about your desperation and what a stud he is that you won't go away even after he treats you this way. Your version of no contact is to leave him a message? Someone who cuts off contact doesn't proceed to leave a long message trying to convince someone how much they deserve more and how they don't need them (but if you need me I'm here for you?!). You're there for HIM? He doesn't seem to need your help at all and seems to be getting along swimmingly without you and yet you're trying to convince yourself that something must be up with HIM.

If you really think you deserve more than MOVE ON! You've already wasted 5 years with a man who is showing you who he is - a man with no character. The boy's a prick and he's showing you that loud and clear, but you refuse to listen. Keep begging for him to take you back and you'll always be the loser in this relationship - whatever relationship there is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 6:12pm

At the end of the day yes it may seem to you that i was acting desperate but i wrote that letter before i found out about him and his new girlfriend. After that whole event happened i left a message saying that i refuse to be treated like s**t and that i wont bother him anymore (i did put that in my post but obviously you didnt see that) since then i havent had contact with him in 10days so how or where does it state that im still there for him? i sent that letter before events turned sour so i dont know what your on about. Ive come here for advice not to be told that im desperate or stupid, in future its best if you keep your opinions to yourself.

Get the facts staight before judging people cos you've only made me feel worse and i dont need that right now. yes maybe i may be a fool but i was with him for 5yrs and we went thorugh alot together

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 9:50pm

The point is I'm telling you exactly what he's thinking. You've let him do all these horrendous things to you and yet the last line of your post is:

DO you think i should continue on the path of no contact and see what happens or contact him and see if he wants to give it another go?

He's been abundantly clear that he doesn't respect you and if you respect yourself you need to stop even considering getting back together with this guy. You have to realise that as hard as it is to read how people here respond to the story, just imagine how he's responding. Guys can't stand desperate-seeming women and that's exactly what your actions say - you even said you "begged" him to take you back. You shouldn't be begging for anything - the boy's a jerk! And you shouldn't be here trying to convince yourself that he's dropped you because of some internal battle he must be having. Just walk away, chalk it up to your first love experience (people RARELY end up with their first loves) and move on to make yourself a better, stronger woman. And then find yourself a better, stronger man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 11:18am

HI

Thanks for your reply, sorry if i went off at the deep end, this weekend has been abit of a bad one, i have my good days and bad days and cos its been that time of the month my emotions have been all over the place. Your right ive got to forget him and move on cos obviously he has done that with this new girl, good luck to them cos if he treated me with no respect then he'll treat her the same. I guess this is a blessing in disguise and eventually ill find someone who appreciates me, im just gonna concentrate on number 1 and when the time is right and im stronger then ill be ready to offer my love to someone who deserves it cos if i cant love myself then how can i love anyone else?

Once again thank you and sorry if my last post seemed rude. take care

Lucy..xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 12:17pm
Hello and I must say I'm in total agreement w/you. All I want to say is that I hope the OP listens. You took the words right out of my mouth. That part about 'begging' blew me, ain't no way! Take care and God Bless.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 10:23am

I am in the same situtaion, although mine is somewhat different. My guys is having problems commiting to me because his ex is a very seductive person and is saying and doing things to doubt his feelings for me. But i have learned that whenever you walk away and just start to move on with you life, you are helping the situation. My man always tells everyone that he is so in love with me but he is confused right now, but he told someone the other day that when ever i don't call and he don't see me and he doesn't know what i am doing or if i am okay that it drives him crazy. It makes him sick to his stomach because he is scared that i found someone else. Stay away...let him worry about you for a little while. And if he calls do like i do, don't answer that first time. Make him think that you aren't sitting around waiting on his call. Make him think that your life has way more purpose in it than him. Make him worry because you have spent long enough worrying about him. Believe me.....It works everytime.

My mom always told me that absense makes the heart grow fonder and it is the truth. Where you miss your man.....he misses you more. If you guys had the relationship that me and mine did, he will compare you to everyone, think about you constantly and he will be back. I don't think it is over. Start to move on with your life, but keep the door cracked in case he does want to come back. But remember that true love comes once in a lifetime and if you think he is your soulmate, never give up hope.

Live with no regrets.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 6:35am

Dear Sherrill

thank you for your words of encouragement, im glad im not the only one going through this, its been 14days since we last spoke or should i say argued and i havent rung him which has been hard to do but ive got friends who have been helping me get through this rough time. The thing that hurts the most is the way he strung me along for weeks, telling me that he wasnt seeing anyone and he was, why didnt he just be honest with me rather than let me find out the way i did with her telling me stay away from her man and him telling me its his girlfriend, then telling me the next day that it isnt serious.

I guess i just want the truth and once i get that then i can decided what to do about the situation. He hasnt even been bothered to get in touch with me, maybe he has moved on and is happy with her but why say it isnt serious when she thinks it is? i am so confused and it hurts, 5yrs together we did everything, went through alot together as well and to think he just prepared to give it all up. sorry for going on but ill be honest i would only take him back if he hasnt slept with her, if he has then it shows me that he couldnt of had enough respect for me or cared about me, he already made it clear that he doesnt love me and i find it hard to believe that you fall out of love overnight but in this case it seems so, what do you think? Thanks once again

Lucy..xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 9:25am
Unfortunately...I understand what you are going through and yes it is hard to let go of something that feels so right to you. My ex and i have been playing this game for a long time and i just can't seem to let go of him. I know in my heart that it is meant to be, but he just can't let go of his past. I love him more and more each day and miss everything about him down to his laugh, but you have to understand that nothing happens by concoindence. Everything is in God's hands and he has a special hold of you and your ex and things will work out. I promise. God will never give you more than you can handle. I know from experience. You wouldn't believe all the struggles that i have went through in the past 7 years or so.
Don't give up hope that he still loves you. Most guys don't know what they want. And they say women are the moody and confused species, but boy are they wrong. Just because he hasn't called doesn't mean that he is over you or anything like that. It probably means that he is trying, but believe me...abense makes the heart grow fonder. Keep faith that it isn't over. Make him worry about you. And remember NEVER let him know that you are as heartbroken as you are. If you have mutual friends, let them know how releived you are that the relationship has ended. When it gets back to your ex, he will be devastated and have to call. And when he does, be happy! Believe me girl, it works everytime.
In the mean time, keep your self busy and try to take pictures down, etc and try to let go. Once you start you will find that you are a strong person then you ever thought possible.I know that i figured out that i am alot stronger than i knew and my friends tell me that i am more of a women then they are, becuase i held on so long and fault until the end.
Keep your head up and remember that you have friends and family that love you and even though he doesn't show it...he does to. And one more thing....one of my favorite quotes is Don't grieve over the lose of the relationship, but be happy that you knew him the way you did and you are a better person for it!
Hugs!
God bless you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 8:36am

Hi Sherrill

How are you doing, im not to bad, over the last couple of days i went through the crying stages again and i also started having nightmares bout ex and new girlfriend which prevented me from sleeping. On of my closest girlfriends came over last night with a bottle of wine and she was really supportive, she suggested that maybe i should ring him and ask for all my pictures back (cos if he wants to chuck 5yrs away why would be want memories of it) but i said to her i dont think so as i feel that it wouldnt make a difference, he probably chucked them ages ago i dont know but when i sent him a letter weeks ago i did send him a really nice one of me when we went on holiday so i want him to keep that so he can see what he is missing out on. I still havent rung him at all and he hasnt called me and thats whats killing me. For all he knows i could be dead somewhere and he wouldnt know it. We dont have any mutual friends between us so no one could really tell him that they've seen me, i just wish i knew in a small way that he is still thinking about me.

I leave my mobile on all night just to see if he might attempt to call me with a withheld number to see if my phone number is the same but nothing, how long does it take your bloke to get in touch after youve gone through your issues, i know all blokes are different but ive never been in a situation like this before, usually one or two days afterwards he would ring but this time its more serious. Ive packed up all the pictures, cards, presents he's ever gave me and in the process of redecorating my room but deep down i just wish he would come back, ive decided that if i dont hear from him in the next two weeks that im gona change my number and fully move on cos i feel that ive lost this battle.

Lucy..xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 9:02am
Hi queen-bee
I know that it is hard. You definately don't have to tell me that one. I have been through the crying stage, the sleepless nights, the loss of appeatite and all. But believe me it does get easier. I know that does help you much at this point but it will. Don't know if you ever listen to country, but one of my favorite songs is by Brooks and Dunn called "It's getting better all the time". You should really listen to it one day. It talks about losing a love of your life and moving on.
The letter was a good idea, and he probably reads it quite alot. I agree with rearranging your room and taking the pictures down. Even though you may feel like it isn't helping, it really is. Whenever me and my ex broke things off, I did the same thing, but i went to the extreme. I moved houses, I changed my hair, i lost weight (not like i need to, but i did), I did everything that i could to change what made me remember him. And i kept myself busy. Even if it was cleaning out a closet or washing clothes, I did whatever it took. The major thing that helped me the most was talking about it and excerising. One of my best friends would go walking and running with me every afternoon and we would talk the entire time. We still do that every night, and i know that she is probably tired of talking about it, because well it is her brother, but she stands strong and listens to everything anyway.
Remember that you are stronger than you think that you are. You can get through this because you are an amazing women. He misses you! But let go and he will call. My mom has always told me that whenever you want something so badly it will never happen, but when you get to the point where you relax and trust fate and God, that your life will turn out exactly as you dreamed. Nothing just happens, Fate has a play in all of it. Queen-Bee it is time to let go and let fate have its way. Don't change that number in 2 weeks though, becuase once you change it, that may be the day that he decides his life isn't complete without you.
Remember that you can reply to me anything. Even though i don't know you, I understand. I am going through this right now.
Hugs! And God Bless

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