missing him...now what??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2005
missing him...now what??
5
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 11:07pm

before I start, I know I have offered some of you advice, but I am really bad at taking my own, so other opinions is what I am looking for

Ok, I am going to really try to make a long story short. I was married when I was 24 to "J". A few months after we got married, he said he wasn't happy, and wanted to get divorced. Well, we, or should I say "I" tried to make it work, but he wasn't working at it, after a few months, he started cheating on me. It was over for a long time when we finally got divorced. Well, my ex issue is not with him. It is with my boyfriend who I started dating just before my divorce was final. My issue is, is that I really really miss him and want to get back together, but am not sure how to go about doing it. We have been broken up for 4 months. In that time, we have mostly done our own things, but have remained friends. We still talk on the phone a few times a week and spend the night together occasionally (sometimes we have sex, sometimes we just cuddle). The reason we broke up is that he felt like I didn't have time to get over my marriage. When we broke up we called it "a break". He wanted me to be able to get back to who I was, he didn't want to break up but felt like it was what we needed. At the time, I was more hurt and couldn't really understand where he was coming from, but now, I definitly think it was the right thing. We really did need it. But now, I feel like we have been broken up long enough and want to try again. The last time we talked about "us" he said he still has feelings for me, and I definitly still have feelings for him, but I don't want to bring up "the talk" -- we had it so many times in the first few weeks after we broke up that we talked it to death, and now I don't really know how to go about bringing it up. We spent a lot of time together last week, he was helping me move some stuff for my grandparents, and we spent the night together; we had so much fun, it was like it used to be, and we actaully spent some time together the next day too.

But there is another "twist" I guess. I met another guy about 2 months ago. We have kissed a few times and I like him, but spending time with him just makes my feelings for my "ex" stronger. I am not really confused about what to do, because I know what I want; I think I am just venting to get some opinions. Oh and FYI my ex did find out about the new guy--totally got jealous and tried to play it off, but I know him too well.

****Here is the new "info****
This past Friday night, I kinda got stranded after going out, and he came and picked my up at 3:00 in the morning (after I called AND woke him up, knowing that he wanted to get up early and go fishing). He basically saved me that night, then the next morning I was so stupid and somehow managed to pick a fight with him after he had done something so nice for me. We got in a huge fight, and we have only spoken once, very briefly basically just "hi and bye" since then. I have apologized to the best of my ability, but I also found out that he has kissed one other girl. And I know that I have absolutely no right to be mad about it since I kissed another guy first, but it still stings... ALOT! Plus he and I have been together since he kissed her so I don't think it was a big deal (just like mine wasn't) But now that we are fighting, I dont think it is the best time to tell him that I want to get back together......

I am stuck and hurt and very worried that things could have gotten screwed up.

help me please :)
thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2005
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 9:33pm

Well, I just talked to him and it couldn't have gone any worse. He is still so upset with me he says he is not sure at this point if we will be able to fix us enough to get back together. He says he still has feelings but that our friendship is very strained. I told him that I understand and that I realize that our number one priority is fixing our friendship first, because if we can't have a friendship, we can't have a relationship; but I told him that I don't want to think that us ever getting back together is totally out of the question. He just said, "I don't know, never is a very strong word, but right now is what matters"

I am so scared right now, I do not want to lose him. When we ended our conversation, I asked "are we cool...sorta at least" and he said "yes, sorta"
I guess I have no other choice but to accept that at this point. But I can't just walk away from him. I know I should give him time to cool off. I also know that we will fix things. This isn't the worst it has been, but it's close. We have done this one other time, shortly after we broke up and we didn't talk for a few weeks, but then when we finally did, things were as if nothing ever happened, then we fell back into the hanging out and spending the night together. So, I know that our friendship isn't over. I jsut don't want to think that our "relationship" is done for good.
I am just worried and sad, and since I just finished talking to him, I am venting.

Any advice???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 1:00pm
Just take it one day at a time...
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2005
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 5:54pm
I know I should just take it one day at a time, but that is so hard, especially when the thought of him with someone else makes me crazy. And I don't know for sure that he is "with" someone else, but I don't even want to think it. I just wish things could go back to the way they were before I f---ed it all up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 2:56pm
i know you love this man cuz that's what came across in your post. I don't want to tell you to back off but i think you should stop acting so desperate around him. If you stop chasing him, he might start looking at you in a diff light and the pursued might become the pursuer.
Just my 2 cents. All the best to you!! I know it hurts real bad right now but it will get better. Hang in there!!
lots of love,
lucy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2005
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 5:10pm

Yes, I do love him and I care about him so much. After being divorced I honestly in my heart did not believe that I was going to find someone that I cared about that much again and that made me that happy again. But I did, and I would say that he was almost a better fit for me than my ex-husband was.

We had not talked for about 2 and 1/2 weeks until Monday. He called me because I had emailed him last week. And I have really been trying to give him his space, but I applied for a new job that just happens to be in his office, so I needed to talk to him about how he felt about it. Everything went well with that. I had my interview with them today and I stopped by his office to say hi and we talked for a few minutes, and it went ok. But I am still going to give him more time, because our friendship is really strained right now, and we were really good friends, so hopefully it will start to get better soon, I just miss him so much. Today was the first time I have seen in in about a month and that is crazy, becuase we used to see each other almost every week even after we broke up. My feelings for him are still very strong, and I don't want to know that we can NEVER be together again, but I guess I will have to look at it that way for now at least, or we will never be able to fix our friendship and that is the more important relationship to both of us right now.

***and by the way, I am not following him to this job, 2 of my other friends work there and they both recommended me for it. plus he got the job in the first place through me anyway****that is part of why we had to talk about it, and he said that he is fine with me getting it****