I told DBF I was ready to have sex
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| Mon, 04-18-2005 - 1:42am |
After having a very long talk with my roommate, who has known me for years I realized I was brining my negative past sexual experiences into my relationship with my DBF, which isn't fair to me or him, and had I been a virgin when I met him, or had my first experience been possitive, he and I would have had sex a long time ago. Very suddenly, I just knew, I was ready! I love him I want to be with him and I want to go there with him.
So I told him. He doesn't believe me. And we got into a fight.
Firstly, I sent him a text and asked if he had time- an evening and a morning or a full day to spend with me in the coming weeks. he wnted to know what was up, so I texted him I was ready... And he didn't respond, so I sent him another and said did he want me to speel it out for him??? He said yes, so I did... I wnt to go out to dinner and get dressed up and go to a hotel, you get the gist. he didn't respond. So after like an hour I asked if he didnt believe me and he sent meone of those tsupid happy faces with the tongue sticking out, to which MY thought was, WTH?!
So we get online here tonight and after talking about a slew of other things, his jobfor one-
(he does not think he is going to take teh DC job, but has now been informed-
not offered a position in NY. To which I now see is going to be a continual
problem for us, will he go and when and where?)
And After we finished with that, I repeated that I was ready and blah blah blah. His response? He's going to bed. EXCUSE ME? It took me 7 months of thinking and 5 months of dating to get to teh point where I am confidant of taking taht step with you and YOURE GOING TO BED?! EXCUSE ME?
Then I go into the self-depricating thoughts- he's cheating, he's not attraced to me, he doesn't want to, he wants to break up, he thinks I have a disease, he thinks Im fat...
He keeps "playing" with me. i ask him over and over and tell him over adn over that he is making me upset, I am being serious, i wnt to be with you. he, again, makes the tongue face and says its time for BED.
I tell him you cant play games like this with girls david, they start getting insecure and I say, if you wlak away form this and dont answer me i am going to be thinking all these things(insert self depricating thoughts...lol)
He respond with he likes messing withme and doesnt see why I am so upset.
HELLO!?
I am upset and hurt and my PMS self's first thought I am going to f-ing dump you you a-hole. Realizing this is not exactly a positive thing to say, I refrained...
SO I finally got him to answer me, his response? He half-doesnt believe me and half says, "we'll see". You know how that makes me feel? Like crap. Like, OMG I shouldnt be having sex with this person if this is his response... which i dont want to bethinking.. I dont know, am I right in thinking that? or am i overreacting?
He said we could discuss is further tomorrow, and I could "continue my explainations if I wish" so I asked him how we'd be talking- legitimate question, he's not usually online during the week, did he want me to call him or meet him or what? Then he gets pissed starts swearing at me and says hes been trying ot go to bed for 20mmins and i keep asking him questions. I am thinking, HELLO, you would have been in bed 20 mins ago if you had just answered the friggin question rather than "mess with" me
So know this is MY FAULT? ARGH! and :(
It's not supposed to BE like this!
When I tell him I am relaly ready to make love to him, he's supposed to be excited and happy and plan it with me ( we have always had this master plan of going somewhere dressing up going to dinner dancing and going back to a really nice room, with a spa, balcony etc. We both wanted to make an event of it. We both wanted ti to be somehting special)
Now I am thinking, does he just use me too? Does he not care about me or know me? Why was he so insensitive? Does he just think I am never going to go there with him? I tol dhim I was ready, and that was set in stone for me by saying it. But him acting like this makes me think maybe its a mistake. Maybe he's a jerk too. Maybe he's using me, maybe he's all he oculd get so he just took it.
I am friggin' confused and UPSET.
Somebody help me think.
Am I just overreacting?
Emily

He is acting like a a--. set him straight. You did not do anything wrong. It sounds like he has a temper (like my ex boyfriend), so I would think this through (continuing to be with him). you do not want to get years down the road and his temper is much worse and your too emotionally involved to break up. Also, think about is this the person you really want to loose it to?
My two cents...
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT have sex with this man. I'm sorry, but HE should know how serious this is for you. HE should konw he needed to say something more along the lines, "are you sure you want this, i just want to be sure" and then say, "we'll take it slow, and if decide not to, i udnerstnad' he should be LOVING and CARING about the whole darn thing.
Instead, he acted like an immature ass. I'm sorry. But you do NOT want to have sex with this man. If this is how he reacted to something so very important to you, something that you had finally decided to go forth with, he should've been more sensitive, more caring, more ANYTHING than what you got.
Heck, I seriously WOULD start to rethink the r'ship, cuz I know I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. No way, no how. That was flat out disrespectful, rude, and very hurtful.
Think long and hard before you choose to have sex with this man. My two cents, he's going to disappoint you, and you'll be even more traumatized sexually. I'd rather have sex, after what you described in your past, with someone who's goign to take things slowly, be sensitive to my needs and desires, someone who'll make sure it'll be special and loving, and even be willing to stop if I'm not comfy. Your bf just screwed up all that. I'm sorry. that's my two cents. I'd lose the guy over that. Because I can't ever see him being sensitive to anything else that's THAT important to me.
Hugs.
We have been taking it slow for months! He has been so understand and respectful and hasn't pressured me at all! I tell him how bad I want to do it in the heat of the moment, and he says, " I know, I do too," then gives me a hug and kisses my forehead... and thats IT!
How do you go from THAT to THIS?!!!!
And it IS making me question eveything!
Yet, at the same time, thinking about what CL-Fiesty one on R-ship in your 20's said, as well as a friend, is that he didnt take me seriously and doesnt believe me becuase we have waited for so long. He thinks I am kidding or joking or I'll back out so he rsponded with what he considered to be an approraite response. We are very playful and if i actually hadn't been serious, his response would have been fine- funny- flirty, but because I MEANT IT and he DIDNT LISTEN I am now all... I am ARGH! Is what I am.!
Well, you can chalk it up to a misunderstanding if you feel that's what it was. However, I'd have some serious doubts about how things will be when you finally have sex. Will it then just be "fun" and a joke to him? Or will it be something he'll take seriously and be serious about. I dunno. That is your choice.
I know how I'd feel about the whole thing, but what I'd do, is not what you may do.
Ok, Emily ... disclaimer here (read at your own risk) ... to the rest of the board ... read on .....
If you read the "I still don't get it" post ... you will understand. I don't think this guy is that big of a jerk for not taking her seriously.
Reason being, he likely understands the implications and impact that having sex with her is going to have and he's probably not really wanting to take on the responsibility of that. But, for as immature as she handled the manner in which she let him know, he's handling it (as of this point) in an equally immature manner by taking the avoidance route.
As of right now, she's disappointed in his reaction to her big news because she had expectations ... that he would be delighted at this news because it took her so long to come to the decisions ... what OP has not yet learned is that expectations breed disappointment ... she expected a certain reaction and didn't receive it and is now in emotional turmoil because of it.
Her b/f knows that she has expectations ... not just about this, but in her general approach ... her posts are strife with it ... thus, he's not as THRILLED about this opportunity and her decision to have sex with him as she is about her decision ... b/c living up to whatever expectations she has about it probably isn't even worth gettin' laid!
Read her other posts and you will understand that as long as she's living in drama, chaos making and infusion of her life with other people's business and concerns ... and Emily, if you have made it this far and decided to read this ... I hope you take no offense ... rather, if you learn to simplify your life and relationships, lose your unrealistic expectations and set mutual expectations and boundaries with the people in your life ... and it will all start becoming A LOT more enjoyable and rewarding and less dramatic and complicated.