What is he doing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
What is he doing?
4
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 11:08am

I've been dating my BF for 1 week shy of 3 months and we're having a good time. My children know him and he's pretty good accepting my boys and understanding my 'single mother situation'. He tells me that he loves me constantly and that I'm everything to him and I've also said that I love him, but I can't seem to think that I could have it better. This is what I mean by 'having it better'. There are certain things that I adore about him, like that he's affectionate, our love making is the best!, he takes care of himself physically, we make each other laugh, he helps me with my boys (babysits, picks them up for me, etc...)

Here are some things that I simply don't like and to be honest, I don't feel like telling him and hoping that he will change, because I think that he won't.

1) He doesnt' pick up after himself, I feel like I have 3 sons. He doesn't help me when I cook, doesn't help me pick up the house. I have to ask him to do little things, like take out the trash, he'll do it, but I hate that I even have to ask.
2) He spends the night over at least 4 times a week and he never gives me a couple of dollars to buy food or paper products. Although if I ask him to pick up something before he comes over, he will and doesn't fuss about it, BUT I hate the fact that I even have to ask.
3) He never invites me out with him and his friends. That actually hurts my feelings, he spoke about it once, and that was it, I refuse to MAKE my boyfriend meet his friends or family. We really don't get into that one much either, because he spends a lot of time with me and goes out with the boys maybe once a week if that.
4) I have always been the kind of person who is quite generous with my time and my money. If I come into some money, I want to take everyone out to eat or do something with my family. My BF isn't stingy, because he has definitely taken me out to some very nice, expensive restaurants and has taken the boys and I to a major league baseball game that was pretty expensive. My thing is this, it doesn't have to cost a lot, just saying "Hey babe, get the boys together and lets go out for ice cream" would mean a lot to me. It seems like I have to initiate mostly everything.

These are just a few things that I don't like in my relationship. I am ready to settle down and get married soon, I'm 30, he's 26, I don't think that we are on the same level all the time, even though we have a lot of fun together. Lately, I 'm not having so much fun and the 3 month mark is 4 days away. I'm torn between breaking up with him now to eliviate any more time and energy put into this, or sitting down and talking to him about my hopes and dreams about my future. Please take into consideration that we are both in the military and he is leaving to the East Coast in November. I don't want him to think I'm pressuring him into anything before he leaves. I do love him, but these things that I've mentioned are not helping my love deepen for him, instead I'm pushing back. Please help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 11:20am

prettygirlt...


There is NO MAN on this planet who will respond and react the way a woman wants him to 100% of the time!


Why not take a piece of paper, fold it in half,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 1:12pm

I have to agree with pianoguy. You are expecting a lot from this man....and you are EXPECTING HIM TO KNOW without you ever asking. That's a lot to ask for, don't ya think?


1) He doesnt' pick up after himself, I feel like I have 3 sons. He doesn't help me when I cook, doesn't help me pick up the house. I have to ask him to do little things, like take out the trash, he'll do it, but I hate that I even have to ask.


As for this. He doesn't live with you, so he probably doesn't feel the need to have to clean up YOUR place. I mean, not to sound rude, by why should HE take the trash out? It's not HIS house, nor does he live there with you. I don't care if he's there 4 days of the week. He doesn't LIVE there. Also, if you TREAT him like a child, he will act like one. So, if you do NOT ask him to help you cook, he'll just wait around. I mean, heck, I wouldn't ask if you needed help either. Why? If you need help, I would EXPECT a person to ask for help. Don't be so stubborn. If you need help, ASK. If you want him to do something on a weekly/daily basis, ASK. Talk to him, do NOT NOT NOT NOT EVER EVER EVER assume or expect someone to do something.....because you would do it for them.



2) He spends the night over at least 4 times a week and he never gives me a couple of dollars to buy food or paper products. Although if I ask him to pick up something before he comes over, he will and doesn't fuss about it, BUT I hate the fact that I even have to ask.


Again, he doesnt' live with you, so why should he give you money? Also, if for the past three months, you've allowed him to live like this with you, then you are at fault as much as he is for not offering some help. So far, he seems like he is mooching off of you. HOWEVER, he does pick up your kids, babysits, etc. How much money/time is that saving you?



3) He never invites me out with him and his friends. That actually hurts my feelings, he spoke about it once, and that was it, I refuse to MAKE my boyfriend meet his friends or family. We really don't get into that one much either, because he spends a lot of time with me and goes out with the boys maybe once a week if that.


Okay, if it's a boys night out, then no, you're not invited. Have you once ever said to him, "i'd love to meet your friends sometime" or do you jsut ASSUME and EXPECT. I agree though, you shouldn't have to force him, and at 3 months, you can't expect him to show you around....some guys don't introduce their gf's until there is a major commitment. I never met one guys family nor friends for like 6 months, and we were serious in my book, but in his, he needed to "be sure". oh, i never met his family, just his friends. i wasn't around long enough to meet the family.



4) I have always been the kind of person who is quite generous with my time and my money. If I come into some money, I want to take everyone out to eat or do something with my family. My BF isn't stingy, because he has definitely taken me out to some very nice, expensive restaurants and has taken the boys and I to a major league baseball game that was pretty expensive. My thing is this, it doesn't have to cost a lot, just saying "Hey babe, get the boys together and lets go out for ice cream" would mean a lot to me. It seems like I have to initiate mostly everything.


Okay, YOU are generous with your time and money. WHY do you EXPECT others to be too? He has taken you to nice dinners, ballgames, and you're still complaining about ice cream? For him, to show you appreciation, he's taking you to expesive places. No, you may not need it, but that's how HE shows gratitude and to have a good time.





my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 1:36pm
Thanks cherbear017, I like to hear it 'straight', I do need to voice my wants and needs to him and not all at once, so I don't overwhelm him. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 2:07pm

I like that you wrote, "and not all at once, so I don't overwhelm him". Good thinking.


I know it's not easy really realizing that NO ONE thinks like you and therefore will never do things as you want, but it comes in handy. lol.


Good luck. Start there. and if he STILL doesn't do anything, then I would maybe reconsider the r'ship, cuz you don't need another child, you have two already.




my pet!




my pet!