Getting heat over dreams and not reality

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Getting heat over dreams and not reality
2
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 11:10am

My boyfriend seems to have a big distrust with women... He doesn't mistreat them. In fact he's treated me better than anyone else I've ever dated. He's treated me with respect and is very thoughtful... He doesn't just buy me expensive gifts, or is flanky or anything like that... However, he is always worried that he's going to be taken advantage of and that women will cheat on him. Every time we watch a movies and a partner cheats on their partner (woman OR man), it upsets him and he says that people have lost their sense of commitment these days, and that they enter relationships half-heartedly...

I know that his mother has disappointed him in life. She had told him repeatedly that he was a mistake and wished that he had never been born. She left his father when my bf's father was on his death bed to sleep and carry on a relationship with another man. And she abandoned my bf and his brother alone at home when he was 16 to fend for themselves (for 2 years), and never returned home. He ended up getting a job and support him and his brother...paying the bills and getting groceries for them to eat.

He has a 11-year-old daughter who doesn't respect him, makes fun of him, and lies to him all the time. They get along well, but it hurts him when she doesn't take him seriously... His daughter's mother lies to him constantly, and makes up all kinds of stories (I have witnessed the lies personally and know he's not exaggerating)...

Since I've been dating him, he keeps have these nightmares about me in some form of the other "cheating" on him. Whether it's me embarrassing him by dissing him and flirting with other men, me lying to him about an indiscretion, or him imagining me at a strip club striping! I have done NONE of these things, and don't plan on doing any of them.

I remember having the same thing happen to me in the past with my first real relationship, I had cheating dreams about them. Ironically the men I dated that I HAD these dreams, never "cheated" on me. The "bad" guys I dated, I never had these dreams...

I am very much in love with him, but my patience is wearing very thin... It would be one thing if he told me these dreams and let them go... but I feel like he's building up some armor so if something were to happen he can say, AHA! I knew this would happen! I dreamt it! I knew I couldn't trust you!

Should I tell him to seek counseling? Or is this something that can never be fixed?

He's the perfect mate in every sense, and I know people don't change... Part of me doesn't want to make his hit list of women he can't trust. But at the same time, I don't want to be the one paying for all the mistrust he's received from other women in his life.

Thanks!

Edited 4/18/2005 11:25 am ET ET by pooldiva




Edited 4/18/2005 11:26 am ET ET by pooldiva
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 1:28pm

First, I would suggest counseling. Or even couples counseling. He's got some MAJOR issues that needs to be worked on and gotten rid of.


Second, he's doing the whole self-fulfilling prophecy. I bet most women have hurt him or cheated on him because he either "pushes" them to that point, or he goes out in search of women like that (no offense to you).


He could also be "punishing" women for what his mother did to him.


He needs help. That's about all I can say. There's not much you can do. this is on him to fix.




my pet!




my pet!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 1:35pm

He definitely needs counseling...but whether or not it will be successful is dependent on too many variables, including things like the counselor he chooses and whether he's really willing to do the work (many people think you just go in and talk for an hour once a week...NOT so if you really want to address your issues).

I hope he's willing and able to do the work to change, but if not, I'd move on...you can't have a healthy relationship with a person who isn't healthy.

Sheri