Communication issues or what???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Communication issues or what???
3
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 2:28pm
I will try to keep this as short as possible, but give you as much detail as I can to try and give you the FULL story. I have been dating this amazing guy for almost 2 months. We get along great, he is great. He owns his own home, however has been staying w/ me so we can carpool- he doesn't have a vehicle at the moment. Anway, I knew he had a 3 year old daughter, but I didn't know until recently he has a son to. I found out from someone else w/ in conversation, a friend asked him how his kidS were doing, and I piped in and said- no just ONE, he looked at me, shook his head and mouthed "no" to me. I was floored! He then went on to explain that it could be his, it could be somone elses. The paternity tests were in process. I was extremely embarressed to find this out from someone other than him. We talked about it, he explained to story to me, and basically said he didn't want to tell me b/c if the child is not his there will be nothing he can do. SO yesterday, his mom says to him, so you are finally going to get visitations w/ .. sons name- he said yes and that was all that was said. Again- why didn't he talk to me about this? I feel so left in the dark and that he doesn't want to talk to me. I would not leave him b/c he has 2 kids by 2 different women- I love him unconditionally. I am just really confused why he won't communicate this to me. I know we need to set down and talk this through, how should I approach the subject w/o him getting defensive and know that I am not on the attack or out to prove him wrong? Thanks for ready, and any advise is welcome!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 2:44pm

Please don't take this wrong, but I"m thinking the reason he doesn't tell you is that at this point in your r'ship, it's none of your business what is going on with his visitation or what not.


If it was me, the fact that the paternity tests are not done yet, I wouldnt' say anything either. Visitations, have nothing to do with you, so I wouldn't talk to you about it, ask for your opinion, or even really tell you about it.


My two cents, just tell him you would love it if he would share information with you,




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 3:21pm
Thanks Cher! Although a part of me agrees w/ you, a part of me doesn't. I completely understand they only dating for 2 months, however he has his daughter at MY house when he has visitations w/ her. I do not mind that at all! Again, I see your point of view, and that makes complete sense to me. BUT if he can say that he loves me, why doesn't he inlcude me in this very important matter- again, if "love" is involved"???
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 3:37pm

Well, okay, I don't have kids, so this is hard for me to figure out. HOWEVER, if I did, even if I did love you, and still brought my DD over to your house, you're not my fiance nor wife, so I'd still be calling my own shots about visitation, paternity, etc.


ALSO, men don't talk about thigns like women do. Like I said, I'd ask him to open up and share with you.


I mean, if he's not going to share this info with you, what else won't he share wiht you? That'd be my concern. So, you should talk to him about it.


But again, love doesn't mean you're his wife, that he has to tell you anything or even tlak to you about it. HOWEVER, you being in love with him, youo'd WANt and expect him to if he's in love with you. But, men don't work like us. Even if they are in love with us, fully, 100%, some still aren't willing to tlak about things. EVER.


I don't know how your guy is with other things in your r'ship. If he's open about everything else, or not. I mean, remmeber, love doesnt' conquer all, nor does it mean you have to tell a person everything. Obviously, even though he's in love with you (i'm assuming) he felt he shouldn't have to tell you about a second (pending) child that he has. And I would think one of two things. either he's not a talker, or he doesn't feel you're truly a big enough part of his life to share that with you.




my pet!




my pet!