Safe unaffectionate poor safe bfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Safe unaffectionate poor safe bfriend
63
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 9:37pm


My story is so long, I'll try very hard to put it in a nutshell: I am 29, attractive but with a 'little' weight problem (5'3, 155- see my other post) and have been in a relationship for 6 years (how time flies), which I am recently giving a lot of thought because I am not sure this is the man I want to marry. And the reasons why: he is 34 and works for $10 per hour, which in this area is almost like minimum wage, he has a BA but never utilized it because over the last 6 yrs he couldn't find a decent job. Bottom line: he does not have a career. Financially we get by, make ends meet and live paycheck to paycheck. In his defense I don't have a solid career going either but I work very hard for my money, often 6 days a week, whereas he works 5 days but I have no real resentment there because he works hard M-F as well. I just always imagined that I would be with someone who can support a family while I raise a child for a couple of years if we were to have one one day. In our present situation this would never be possible because without my income we couldn't pay the basic bills. I won't even mention trading our tiny condo for a house with a yard.

Sex is okay, nothing spectacular but I truly am OK with it since I am not the most sexual person.

He is a nice person with flaws, like anyone else. I wish he was more affectionate, however, more romantic, more thoughfull ... but I guess I would settle for anything at this point, as long as he would provide me with a middle class lifestyle. So I guess most things come back to the financial aspects of our relationship.

I have been thinking A LOT about leaving my bofriend in order to pursue something that would give me hope for a more succesful life, moving to a better neighborhood, being able to send our child to a private school, etc. I don't have material things in mind like cars and expensive houses, though.

Here's a problem: I'm terrified of not finding anyone who would want to marry me. I would be near 30 or 30 once I would be single again and I really wouldn't have much time to look before my biological clock will expire. I am beyond terrified when I think about dating again. I am so set in my ways, I cringle when I think about having to shave my legs everyday again, always having to look pretty with makeup and hair done.

And there the whole dating scene. Will I ever find anyone? I hate bars and clubs, what else is there left? I am too old to believe that my prince will arrive on a white horse without me even looking...

Then there's thing with my health: I have a condition which there is no cure for and it basially makes me go to the bathroom ever 2 hrs or so. I understand some men would not want to deal with someone who isn't 100% healthy and this depresses me too.

I don't know what I'm asking here. Should I look for a new man or do I have enough going to at least know that this guy can give me kids, if nothing else.

When I was 25 I used to think that I couldn't be with someone who wouldn't give our family a certain lifestyle. Now that I'm pushing on 30, I don't know what's worst: being poor or being lonely.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 10:59pm

Hi kyliebeee,
If you are looking for a man or a relationship, in general, to provide you with the financial support and security you desire in life, you may very well end up quite disappointed. You may end up "settling" in order to obtain the lifestyle you want but ... what about the rest of it? Yes, sure ... you can find a guy out there that can offer you the the lifestyle AND the love, etc. The "whole package" so to speak. But ... consider this ....

Successful relationships aren't about giving us what we can't afford or provide on our own. If you want a "more successful life" ... achieve it! Because YOU are your only guarantee!

Sure, there are plenty of women who align with men who are able to provide a certain lifestyle for them ... and hopefully for other reasons than just lifestyle ... my concern in this regard is that, because there are no guarantees despite the best of intentions, each and every one of us still needs to be able to provide for ourselves at the level that we desire.

Now, I don't really liking tooting my own horn, but I'm going to share my experience as an example ... because you're about the same age I was when I started considering "lifestyle" and truly setting my goals for achieving what I wanted from my life, on my terms and abilities.

So, here goes: started business at 28 (struggled but isn't everything difficult before it's easy!), bought first house at 30 (which I'm still living in), lost 30 lbs as a result of postive lifestyle changes (and have maintained it, 5'4, 118 lbs), earned 6-figure income by 31, bought second property by 33 ... two years later, business is on "cruise control" ... income is good, life is good and I'm comfortable with my options. My lifestyle and stability is in my hands, regardless of whom I align with relationship-wise.

I had a live-in b/f as I was starting out (wasn't a high wage earner, either so ... didn't exactly "help me out" financially during the rough patches early on and I didn't expect him to ... did carry his weight though). I cashed out 401ks and went into about $20k of credit card debt (cash advances, business start up expenses) to get new career going, which if you listen to/read/or have watched Suzie Orman, she'll say that incurring debt for this purpose, with a reasonable goal of having it paid off is an acceptable use of credit. It's an investment in your future.

Now, if I had to worry about my lifestyle and income options, I can say that I probably wouldn't be in a relationship with the man I'm with now (it will be a year in June) ... at the very least, it would be difficult to plan a future with him because he doesn't make much (he's a musician, need I say more!) ... but, I don't love him for his money or lack thereof ... I love him for his spirit, his talents, his creativity, his emotional generousity, his mind, his humor, the list goes on (he's really darn good looking, too! :)

Therefore, by planning my life and my goals the way I have, I was FREE to fall in love with THE MAN ... not the money or the "security" (and I put bunny ears on that because we're only as secure in our relationships as we are about ourselves) or the "potential" of the man ... I'm able to choose a partner based on the things that are important to me regardless of the material aspects.

While I do have two B.A. degrees, which I used in an ungratifying career for 6 years, what I'm doing now in no way requires a college degree. All it requires is drive and determination.

Bottom line: why is the outcome of your future and lifestyle determined by present situation or the alliances and relationships you choose?

You ask << Should I look for a new man or do I have enough going to at least know that this guy can give me kids, if nothing else. >>

If you are not satisfied in current relationship, please consider whether it is the man or the situation and the options he presents ... consider what makes it a successful (or not) relationship.

Hope that helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 8:19am


I don't mean to say this as a way to defend myself but objectively speaking, he is 33 and has NEVER had a decent paying job. He also has no desire to find a career track. Yes, I knew this 6 years ago when I met him but back then he was talking about going to pursue his MA or MBA. Now I know it was only 'talk'. Also, he graduated from college 8 years ago, whereas I am still finishing up (almost there).

I am not a feminist and I do think I would like to stay at home to raise my children so I need to be with a man who earns enough for me to be able to do that. I know this is not politically correct to say but I think I would be a wonderful mother/ homemaker and I would just love to stay at home and raise my kids, because what's the point of having them if you won't raise them yourself, teach them your principles and other languages, not the Mexican nanny.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 8:37am


Oh, Starbuck! I am very happy for you! Wow, you have a business (by the way, what is it?), you have drive and enterpreneurial skills. And a wonderful broke bfriend. Well, my bfriend is not as wonderful but again, he is not dumb (I can have an intelligent conversation w/him)and he doesn't beat me, lol. He is an okay lover (I'm not very sexual, so I don't mind), he watches a lot of TV, never helps me with cleaning my place, where he lives and gives me most of his money (not much), so we can pay our bills. He has days when he can be somewhat attentive but on most part he says I feel sorry for myself because of my health condition (I am in pain some nights) and I have low tolerance for pain, which he doesn't understand, because he used to be in a military. When we fight, we fight over money because he opposes my desire to go to a play or take short cheap trips. Or generally speaking, he doesn't like that I buy organic foods, because they're more expensive. Can you blame me for having a fantasy or being with a man who just allows me to do all those things that my bfriend criticizes me for. And there's more...

My bfriend is someone who doesn't participate in my life much but he sits there, watches TV, occasionally gets of the couch and tells me I don't give him enough sex. Oh, he also complains that he hates his job but doesn't do anything about finding a new one.

Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 9:01am

Are you sure it's just not a case of the grass looking greener on the other side of the fence?

Where's the guarantee that Mr. Driven, Highly-Motivated, Career-Oriented, Money-Maker is going to be a better person? I had a "good provider" once. He had a good job, made 80K a year, I didn't have to work...he was the most hateful human being that ever lived. There are no guarantees just because someone is motivated and has a good job that they are also a good person.

It sounds as though your values are different from your BF's. He's more content, more easily satisfied. He has no desire to join the rat race and become a workaholic. And I don't blame him. Life is too short. If others like doing that, more power to them. Personally, I wish life were simpler and less hectic. There is so much emphasis placed on money and success that I think a lot of people miss life all together. They become nothing but a job and a bank account.

The things that you want in life are not things that interest your BF. You want the nice home in the nice neighborhood, which is not too much to ask, but let me ask you. Can you provide those things for yourself? If not, why do expect him to provide them for you? If these are things YOU want, why are you not motivated enough to get a better job, better education, etc. in order to give them to yourself? It's as though you're looking to your BF to give you what you can't even give yourself. That's not really fair.

Is there a possibility of something deeper at work here. Is is possible that the motivation/money issue is just a surface problem that's covering up something that's harder to look at or deal with?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 9:17am


DDnlj- since men are not the ones giving birth and raising children, why does it matter if I could afford to provide for them? I would be at home working probably even harder. Are any of you stay at home moms? Don't you know what a hard job it is? I am not a mother myself but I know what it takes to be a mom/housekeeper/wife by observing other people. It is not a picnic at a park!

Why can't I bring my best skills and intentions into the table along with my MA in History and good credit?

I would NEVER be able to stay at home if I married this guy. We're making ends meet right now. And I never said I want luxury items! I just want to be able to care for our children, provide them with the best education in the area (private schools)and provide them with at least one parent who is around all the time. Is this too much to ask? You guys are unfair by already classifying me as a gold digger. I do agree, however, with the fact that I am not a shiny example of success by not even having my MA before the age of 29, yes, I should have taken more classes when I was working full time over the years. But I decided to buy a condo at the age of 25 instead. Again, I am not nearly successful as some of you out there or better yet, some of my girl friends who are 30 and make 100K. And this is exactly where my dilemma comes in: will I ever find a guy who would not look down one me? Once again, Why can't I bring my best skills and intentions into the table along with my MA in History and good credit?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 10:29am
it sounds like you are unhappy
i think you should move on
i know it's hard in the beginning
you won't know what you are missing until you find it
don't settle
the least you could do is tell him you want to date or seperate for a while
the medical problem if it's only going to the bathroom every 2 hours does not seem to be an issue for men to not like you for. only annoying for you.
if you are unhappy with your weight you can work out, just enough to make yourself feel better
30 is not too old, but now is a good time to make your choice to move on
you clearly have an idea of what you want for your future and there should be no stopping you from getting it
he can get on the train with you or get off
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 10:44am
i don't know why you people are attacking kyliebeee for knowing what she wants
i think she can survive without her boyfriend making $10 and hour
that's not her only issue
the big issue is he has no desire or interest to further himself beyond the tv
he doesn't do little things for her
she is making all the effort here
why settle for life if your not happy
maybe the grass is greener on the other side
why not take a risk
do you want her to be miserable for the rest of her life?
i don't know where you people are from, but at least 50% of the women are stay at home moms with a luxury lifestyle and nannys where i am
even if they started with a career, they quit
kyliebeee isn't even asking for that luxury
i think you should go out there and make a life for yourself. live on your own without your boyfriend and the right man will come along
you won't have to question it
your too comfortable and settling now
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 10:51am

Kylie...I've breezed through some of the posts and am going to start back at the beginning with some things that you said in your first post.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 12:10pm
I disagree with your statement--"she's making all of the effort here." No, she's not. She's just bitchin'. She's uhappy and she's blaming it all on her boyfriend's attitude and lack of amibition. I have a newsflash for kyliebee--there aren't that many wealthy, successful men looking for overweight women with low sex drives, that don't keep their legs shaved to bear their children and spend their money. Before she throws away what she has, she better look at what she has to offer first. Maybe if she showed a little more ambition in the relationship it might inspire her BF to show a little more ambition in the workplace. If kyliebee wants to find true happiness she needs to realize her own shortcomings and work on those.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 12:38pm

<< Once again, Why can't I bring my best skills and intentions into the table along with my MA in History and good credit? >>

I don't know, why can't you?

<< And I never said I want luxury items! I just want to be able to care for our children, provide them with the best education in the area (private schools)and provide them with at least one parent who is around all the time. Is this too much to ask?>>

Absolutely, it's not. To each is own. But, who are you asking this of? Of current b/f or of future, potential b/f? Of yourself? If it's not YOU who's going to provide this, then somebody will have to ... if this is what you desire. I'm just asking why you believe its the another's job to provide you with the things you desire? What if you met a great guy who had all the qualities you were looking for and admired in a person ... but he didn't have much, why would you not be able to provide your children with private school while he contributes on other levels?

<< You guys are unfair by already classifying me as a gold digger>>

I didn't read those words or any implication of it.

<>

Thanks for the sarcasm. :) I'll get over it, I'm not bitter about my situation in the least.

It's real estate and mortgage. And, I never said my b/f was broke, just that he didn't make much. Financially, what he does have is NO debt and good credit ... and all that matters to me as far as money goes in a partner is that someone knows how to manage what they DO have and shows financial responsibility with what they do have. I'd much rather align with someone who is doing what they have a passion and talent for, while being able to make a living at it. I admire that. It's living with passion. Rather than someone who hates his job, or is just in a job that brings home the bacon but is completely ungratifying. We all spend too much of our lives working to not enjoy what we do. If you do what you love, it will take care of you. As it is, neither of us will ever be perpetually unhappy in our work because we are both doing what we're good at and we enjoy what we do.

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