So confused
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So confused
| Mon, 04-18-2005 - 11:22pm |
For the past 2 years I have been on and off dating Mike, a guy who started off as a good friend of mine. We met in law school four years ago when I had another serious boyfriend. Initially, our relationship was completely platonic but I always thought the world of him as a person. But when my ex and I broke up two years ago, within months, my relationship with Mike became physical. Though I cared about him, I was initially hesitant to make it more than just a "friends with benefits" situation. Essentially the reason for this was completely superficial, as Mike is short (about 5'4"--an inch shorter than I am) and just not my ideal type looks-wise. From day one he wanted us to be together but I just couldn't see myself "ending up with him." Though it was hard, we remained friends (with a few nights of dramatic talks or sex thrown in), while I continued to causally date others. But the more time I spent with Mike and the more I saw what garbage is out there (good looking guys with no depth etc), the more I realized that my chemistry with Mike was effortless and amazing. Finally, about five months ago I gave him a real shot. I stopped dating anyone else and concentrated on us. And so much about it was wonderful. He treated me like a queen, he made me laugh, he listened and he supported me. But I just couldn't get those superficial thoughts to go away. One day I was completely in love and the next, I would obsess over his height, or just not find myself attracted to him. It hurt to have doubts about a person who loved me so much, and I couldn't help but feel I was wasting his and my time. So a few weeks ago, I ended things. It was good at first. It felt right. I figured that I needed to move on. But now, I'm miserable. I miss him terribly and I'm again reminded of how much better he is than what's out there. Not having him now, I feel like all that superficial stuff is meaningless and I would do anything to have him back, and spend the rest of my life with him. I want to tell him this but I'm so scared that, even if he would have me back (who knows if he would ever trust me), once I have him, those damn superficial doubts will creep their way back in again. So please, I need advice. Are these doubts a bad sign and I should move on? Or will I always regret that I let him get away? Part of me knows that looks fade and love is so hard to find. But the other part thinks its valid to want complete physical attraction to your mate. Please help!

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Hi missyleigh and welcome.
I wish I had more advice...but that is such a tough spot.
Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?
Thanks for all of the replies. I really appreciate the different opinions and takes on things. I just wanted to respond by adding a little information about myself. I have been very, very lucky to have had some loving relationships in my 26 years on this earth--men who really treated me with complete care and respect. But what I have never experienced in anyone other than Mike, is this "blow-your-mind" mental and emotional connection. It's almost errie how well we get along. Our values, opinions and goals are completely in sync. It is this respect and love that I have for him as a person that had made him more physically attractive to me as a man. (And I should clarify that the more I got to know him, the more there were instances where I WAS so attracted to him, I couldn't wait to rip his clothes off.) I am a cynical and sensitive girl. To find someone that I can trust and be myself around is especially rare for me. I am fairly certain that I will never find another man who "gets me" like Mike does. But, like some of you implied, maybe a great mental connection with only a "sometimes" physical chemistry, just means we should have stayed plantonic friends?
In my opinion, you can't build a good relationship without a healthy dose of physical chemistry.
I"m going to disagree. Mostly because when I first kissed my dbf, I was like, ew. lol. He's short....compared to the men i normally dated. And has a lot of acne scarring. Most men I dated were very good-looking.
So there wasn't any physical chemistry. HOWEVER, we have a STRONG, GREAT r'ship that is very healthy and standing strong on our foundation of friendship. My attraction to him has grown. There is no physical chemistry there, but there is an attraction.
Therefore, I hate to burst that bubble, and we can agree to disagree, but I am living proof of a good strong r'ship, built on a foundation of friendship, that lacks physical chemistry. (I am not saying we never had issues, nor problems, for those of you who remember me complaining, I AM saying we have a good strong r'ship)
Some of the longest lasting, best r'ships were built on a foundation of friendship. If you start there, it's rare that you ever have that intense phsyical chemistry for each other, however, you have everything else.
Sometimes, the physical can grow immensely to passionate and take off, but not always.
Sometimes, and this is more rare, that you meet someone with total physical chemistry and passion, and you become best of friends.
I have had both. Although less intense, the one that has been the best and greatest r'ship ever, even with all my ups and downs, has been the one where I nkow my guy IS my best friend, lover and everything else.
Our friendship is our base. When we run out of things to talk about, which we don't, we can go h ave fun with each other. when we aren't in the mood for sex or all that lovey dovey stuff, we go off and have fun. Many people have said to me, "i wish I could have a fun r'ship like you two have". I think MANY couples can have it all, but it's rare. I believe you can have a FUN r'ship as friends, even if there's a lot of chemistry and passion, however, I also feel you'll find that "most fun" happens in the bedroom. that's where it was all "fun" for me. whereas, with dbf, I find the most fun "out of bed" which is where we are anyways.
You can have it all.........if you want to wait for that. But there's no guarantee you'll ever get it. However you can have 90% of ALL, and accept Mike as he is, shortness and all, and go for it. I know this is going to sound STUPID to you, but my dbf is 5'6". and i'm 5'1". I HATE that he's that short. and yes, from someone who dated men 5"10" - 6';2" all my life, that is friggen SHORT. Although i'm not taller than him, wearing heels, almost seeing eye-to-eye is weird. I sucked it up, and went for it....mostly cuz i love his personality. i admit, his height sometimes bothers me, sometimes embarrasses me, but I just tell msyelf to quit being so shallow. I could dump him and wait for someone almost exactly like him but taller and much more attractive, but he may
'so, i accepted my guy, for who he is and what he looks like and just said, F it. i love him for him. stop being so shallow. and i have accepted it'
In other words, 'As my past relationships with good looking men I fancied and wanted did not work out I have dediced to settle for someone I don't find attractive in the slightest and with who I would happily not ever be physical again in the hope that this will guarantee a faithful loyal partner and that I will not be hurt again'.
My apologies, but this is utter nonsense. Never ever ever will I settle for someone I don't have massive and major physical attraction to, no matter how amazing a person they are or how brilliantly we get on as friends. And sadly, average looks and 5.6 don't do it for me at all.
The original poster is not 56, she's 26, for crying out loud!! . She's got her whole life ahead of her to look for someone who will be perfect both physically and intelectually. I'd say she should try and reestablish the friendship with the person in question, but not a bf/gf relationship.
My honest opinion.
I"m going to throw this out there, for the sake of the OP.
What YOU want in a r'ship, is not what OTHER people NEED and/or WANT.
Saying you couldn't have a r'ship w/o INTENSE physical chemistry and passion, is great FOR YOU. However, for people like me, chemistry and passion have ONLY BROUGHT ME DRAMA!!! And therefore, yes, I am settling for someone with looks less than I would like, however, it has also given me a nice natural peaceful r'ship (for the most part).
I have struggled with the lack of passion, however, I also know, if ALL I EVER WENT FOR was physical looks and passion, I'd feel empty, and I'd be filled with drama (cuz I'm a very emotional person -- both love and anger highs and lows). I chose to love my man cuz of what we have in common, that I am happy with him more so than the other men I have had passionate r'ships with.
Some ppl NEED to HAVE that INTENSITY, to feel like they are in love. I do not. The ONLY thing that intesity brings me, is a broken heart. W/o it, I have a stable love, that grows.
I'm sorry, but everyone needs something different. The OP has to choose what she needs and what she can live with. I sitll want passion and chemistry, however, I know what happens when I have that.....and therefore, in MY LIFE, I have chosen to forego it for something more "real" and less drama packed. I'm not living in a movie, I'm living my life. I want it to be drama free...but full of love. Which it is.
With my 2xh. Where we had TONS of passion and chemistry. All it was filled with was the BEST love in the world and also, the MOST hurting I have ever done in my life. I have NEVER felt like I would die from a broken heart, except when I was with him. I never thought I could love someone so much I'd cry. And these ups and downs always happened within a day. EVERYday.
So, to the OP. Do what is right for you. If you feel his height bothers you, but you have intense chemistry and passion, ask yourself. What do YOU need? I THOUGHT I needed all that intensity, until I realized what my r'ships were like.....they were massively volatile and out of control. How are yours? w/o the chemistry and passion and accepting my dbf, I have love, peace, no drama.
it's so interesting to see so many opinions and ways of looking at things on this thread and other boards. it just shows the fact that we all have to do what we think is right b/c someone else's "right" might be completely different from ours.
cherbear, im also a very emotional girl. i think a lot of my dating problems are my own fault--im not always sure what i want with anyone ive dated. i'm easily disappointed or confused. i think im chasing some ridiculous ideal. i'm a sucker for that idea of a fairy-tale "soulmate." my ex-boyfriend was so attractive and wealthy and yeah it was lots of fun for awhile but over the course of two years, it was clear that we were lacking in depth and connection. and boy that wasn't good!! it sounds you had those feelings in the past, too.
anyway, just wanted to also say that mike is a very good looking person. i would not be settling in the looks dept. he has an amazing body, an adorable smile, impeccable taste and he turns me on often (not all the time, but often). plus he's great in bed!
but he's short and i looove tall guys. i'm almost 5'6" and i love my 3" heels and my 6'2" men. it sounds so silly but that's what it is. that's what holds me back. and everything else about him is why i can't walk away either.
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