Why is he so scared??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Why is he so scared??
17
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 9:44pm
Hi all, I've posted before and you all have given me some good advice, so I'll hit y'all up again....
There's this guy that I've known since high school (10 years), I had the hugest crush on him then, and about 2 months ago I ran into him at the bar and we started hanging out.
To make a long story (kinda) short, every time we hang out, he ends up freaking out and telling me that he's scared of me and he can't explain it... Then the next day, he takes off to his brother's house out of town for a week, and then he calls me when he's back, and we go around in a circle.
I got somewhat of an insight a couple weeks ago, we slept together when we had been drinking, and he ended up crying (he was already majorly stressed out over completely unrelated stuff) and asking why I couldn't be with someone like him and he just wanted someone who would love him for who he is, that he had tried really hard not to like me but it didn't work and he did...
And last weekend, he was hanging out with my ex husband (who I'm still really good friends with) and told my ex that he really likes me *BUT* (just like he tells me) he's scared of me. He also was asking my ex how many "boyfriends" I have and if I ever cheated on him (meaning my ex).
And, as a final thought, he apparently showed up at the bar after I left last night looking for my car, and when I wasn't there, left. (And didn't answer his phone when I called today-- but he hardly ever answers for anyone).
I really like him, but I'm getting confused. He keeps running away from me but then he always comes back... my male friends have told me that if I were just a booty call, he would have dropped me a long time ago (bc I didn't put out for a long time lol).....
What do ya'll think? What is his deal???????
TIA
JJ


Edited 4/19/2005 11:12 pm ET ET by diskobaby

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 1:36am
Just my opinion but to me it sounds like he thinks your really loose and will sleep with anyone. He probably does not want to get emotionally involved with someone that will cheat on him and make a fool out of him. You sort of proved it to be true by getting drunk and sleeping with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 3:32am
Whoa there.... just so you know, this is someone I've known for over 10 years, and beyond that, we were seeing each other for quite a while (6 weeks?) before I slept with him... so don't even try and call me loose...
(BTW, just so you know... he's the 3rd person I've slept with in 6 years.... ummmm I'm not a slut)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 9:46am

Mokrie:

Just my opinion, but to me you sound judgemental and a little nasty.. You made one heck of an assumption given that her post didn't state that she got drunk and just slept with him at all. Sounds like you need a drink.

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 1:04pm
It sounds like he is intimidated by you and believes that you might be out of his league. He is afraid he will become more attached to you than you are to him. I would say you are someone he believes could hurt him--not that you would--just that you have the power.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 1:07pm

Sounds like he's been burned in the past (when was his last relationship?) and he's not over it. Saying that he just wants someone to like him for who he is, maybe his last g/f was critical and unaccepting of a lot of things ... and perhaps (don't freak out, but perhaps) there's something about you that reminds him??? Perhaps she cheated on him, and that's why he was asking those questions? Bottom line, he's scared b/c he was hurt by someone and he's not over that hurt ... which really means, that he shouldn't be in a relationship yet.

If you want to give him time, give him time. But for your own well-being, don't wait around for him. Be supportive but you don't need to put your life on hold, either.

Also, let him know that if he has questions, that he can come to you. That he asked your ex these personal questions is a sign of poor communication habits on his part, and it sets a poor precedent if you allow him to receive answers from other people on questions that he should be asking YOU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 2:07pm

HI JJ!!

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 3:05pm
Thanks guys!... Well , a lil more to add to the story... last night I was out and he came down looking for me (bc he always knows where I am lol) We hung out for a bit and had some drinks and he was all over me... then bout 1000 he said he had to go do something and asked if I wanted to come with... I said no, I was gonna stay where I was and finish my drink and he said he'd be back in an hour, he promised, and we would chat... but he never came back, and I know he had to work at 6 AM this morning (I called all the same lol, no answer).....
JJ
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 1:13pm

What amazes me about so many of you on these boards is that you women drive yourself crazy trying to figure HIM (whoever "him" is for you) out. You analyze his every word and action. You second-guess every possibility. You ponder every thought.

Someday... you will realize it matters not. Who cares why he's scared, if in fact he's scared. Who cares what his problem is, if in fact he has one. Who cares what's causing him to act like he does, or say (or not say) certain things.

All you should care about, is you.

Answer yes or no to the following:

1. I would rather be with him -- in the kind of relationship we now have -- than without him. Yes____ No ____

2. My life is (pick one:) happier, better, enhanced, more interesting, more fulfilling, more satisfying, and/or, in general, better -- with him in it than if he weren't weren't in it. Yes____ No _____

3. I like him more than I dislike him. Yes___ No ____

Stop trying to figure him out or change him or understand him. Because you know what? I can almost guarantee you that HE is not trying to figure out or change or understand YOU. This applies to every man, at every age, at every juncture in life. He simply asks himself, "Does she make me happy? Yes - No?" That's IT. That's all he thinks about.

So if you can answer yes to all questions above, keep him around. If you can't, get rid of him. Life is too short.

This kind of thinking can also be applied to the age-old questions .... Why doesn't he call? ....or ask me out again? ......or want to marry me? .....etc. etc. etc.

Don't waste time and energy trying to figure HIM out. Because you never will. It's like trying to figure out the meaning of life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 2:39am
I agree that he is scared. Maybe not of you but of getting too involved. It sounds to me like he has been hurt in the past..perhaps cheated on. That's why he's asking other people all the questions. Like asking your ex if you ever cheated on him etc.. Maybe you need to talk to him and ask him about his past experiences and see if that is an issue that he is projecting on to you and the possibility of having a relationship with you.. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 2:09am
Seems I offended you and others with my opinion. I did not say you ARE a slut. I said he may think or worry or fear that you are easy. I know you knew him for 10 years but guys see-- girl at a bar--girl drinks--girl sleeps with me. He could have been cheated on or made a fool of by someone and now sees any girl as a potential cheat. I did not mean your easy, I meant he may THINK that and that could be why he's scared. It's either that or he thinks your really good at VOODOO.

Pages