Help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Help!!
4
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 2:39pm
I need some advice badly! I was dating this guy for 4 months and it was starting to get pretty serious. I had been in a 7 year relationship that had been over for 2 years and he had been in a 5 year relationship that had been over for a year or so. He had kind of a wild past and has made some huge changes in the last year, one being joing the military, which brought him out here. I'm 25 and he's 23. We were dating for 4 months, seeing each other everyday that he was off and if he was off on the weekends we spent from Friday morning to Sunday night together- it was great. We never fought- had the perfect relationship. He called me Monday night like he does everyday that I don't see him and we started talking about where our relationship was going. He said he cares about me a lot and doesn't want to break up but needs to think. He said he works so much and when he gets home he still has stuff to do but wants to spend all his time with me so some things don't get done. He says "You are someone that I could marry." Long story short, we agreed to break up so he could have some space to think. He specifically asked me "If down the road I'm ready for a serious relationship, will it be impossible to come back?" I told him I had no idea, I wasn't gonna wait so it depended on when he came back- I care about him a lot. Well, couple days went by and I called him last night- not for an answer, just to see if he was thinking about this like I was. He said he still didn't know, he couldn't say for sure it was over but he needed to think. He then said "Can I call you back" and didn't. I came to the conclusion that I just need to move on and if he comes back- great, if I'm still ready and if not, then it's his loss. Has anyone else been in this situation? Does anyone ever come back? He said "I wish we had had a fight or something= that would make this easier but I care about you a lot and this is hard." Please help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
In reply to: girlygrl25
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 2:56pm

Hi girlygrl25,

I posted to a similar post (also at the 4 month mark) on the Relationship Saver board, and thought I'd share the same thing with you:

<< Oftentimes, when a relationship starts off fast ... there's a lot of interaction and time together, if often cools off just as fast. Going with the flow and letting things happen naturally is the way to enjoy it. You've been dating for 4 months, that's not a lot of time, all things considered in terms of knowing that you want a future with each other.

Having expectations (that aren't mutually agreed upon) only places demands on a situation. Being willing to let an experience be what it is and trust the flow of the experience is the way to enjoy it.

Enjoying an experience isn't a waste of time. At this point, you don't know that you're not going to get out of it what you want from it. But, you'll also never know if you don't give it and him a chance. So, why not just enjoy it!? However, if you're not finding enjoyment in it, re-evaluate what it is you want from it and ask yourself if you can enjoy it for what it is ... without expectations of a future. Having discussions of seeing yourselves together in 10 years, while you've only known each other for 4 months, is a bit premature ... enjoy it for what it is NOW ... go with the flow and find out more about each other ... it's great to know what each other's goals are for the future ... but, putting each other into that mix, without REALLY knowing each other inside and out ... is continuing to take it a bit too fast, IMO.>>

Bottom line, it's been 4 months ... date each other, figure each other out and find out if there's even a possibility of a future before talking about one. Because, at this point, you're both placing expectations on it and expectations on having certain things figured out before either of you TRULY has the knowledge necessary to answer the questions you want answered. See what I mean? :)

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
In reply to: girlygrl25
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 3:16pm
Thanks for the advice- I guess I should explain how this conversation came about. He basically said "I don't want to tell you in a year I don't want to be serious- I want to decide now." He said "I know from experience that this is the point where it's gonna get serious and either I jump in completely now or not." We both don't really want to date other people but we both know we can't date like we are now and not be together, does this make sense? I think I've just come to the fact that I need to move on and give him time to think- if he comes back, great! I wish someone could just tell me that he is coming back- he's no help- we talk and he says he's still thinking. I never brought up the marriage thing b/c I didn't want to scare him- he always was saying things like "Our kids would be so cute." but I'd never heard him tell me I was someone he could marry until the other night. What is wrong with you guys? Why would throw something away that could/IS awesome for the unknown? Guys who have done this- do you ever regret it and go back? Thanks for the advice starbuck70!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
In reply to: girlygrl25
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 3:40pm

Based on my personal experience both with "needing space" and with being in a relationship with someone who "needed space" to decide if the relationship has a future, honestly, it usually means it doesn't.

It usually means that the person who "needs space" is trying to figure out exactly what is wrong with them and why it is that they can't make themselves feel more then they do for the other person. Because the person there with is great. They're funny, they're attractive, they share your interests and your values. So you just can't figure out why when you think of a future with that person it feels wrong, because your brain is telling you it "should" feel right.

One of the things that I personally think is hardest about love is that it isn't as simple as great guy meets great and girl and the two fall madly in love. IF it were that simple people would do it all the time and we wouldn't have message boards like this.

Unfortuantely, it's a LOT more complicated and the truth is NONE of us REALLY can fathom why it is that even though another person is GREAT in so many ways we just feel in our gut that something is missing.

Perhaps the hardest part about this is that there's no bad guy to blame. It's not because there is anything "wrong" with you or "wrong" with him. There's just something missing and the person that needs time is the one who realized that first and is hoping that if they get some "space" it will all become suddenly clear either why they don't love the other person or that they are lost without them so they can go rushing back to them without any of the reservations they've been having.

IMO, this guy genuinely likes you and cares for you and the last thing he wants is to hurt your feelings, but his gut is telling him you aren't the one and as much as he might try and want to "make" you the one his gut wont lie to him.

Something even tells me that if you listen really close you'll hear a little voice telling you that he isn't right for you either. Sure it would be nice to continue, things have gone really well and probably would continue to for a while, maybe even years (like one of my relationships did). But do you really want to spend years trying to make something a perfect fit that just isn't.

I know that this feels like rejection and I know there isn't anything that anyone can say or do that is going to make that not hurt, but deep down you know the reason that you can say confidently, "I think I need to move on" is because you know that's what you want too and it just hurts your feeligns and your ego that he was the first to say it. But ultimately, you know in your heart there is something out there even better waiting for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
In reply to: girlygrl25
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 4:23pm

You're welcome! The explantion of how the conversation came up still doesn't change my original advice, though. The reason he doesn't know or doesn't have the answers is that a couple that's been dating for 4 months cannot possibly, in any realistic sense, know the other well enough to know that you want marriage, kids, etc from this person.

<< He said "I know from experience that this is the point where it's gonna get serious and either I jump in completely now or not." >>

So, become an exclusive couple and see where it goes. Doesn't mean you have to KNOW what's lies ahead. I mean, do any of us have a crystal ball? Nope. You jump in, enjoy the experience of getting to know each other, and see where it goes. As long as you both agree to just see where it goes, and you enjoy each other, and your respectful of each other, and as you get to know each other better, you see that you share common goals, values, etc ... then, and only then, will you know.

<>

Not really. Because you're both pushing for answers that just aren't yet possible. Be exclusive, be a couple ... be in the here and now ... get to know each other better, and let the answers come naturally.