Should I Go Thru With This??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Should I Go Thru With This??
5
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 5:47pm

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 3 years, and we are very very serious. I know that he is the man I want to be with, I couldn't imagine my life without him. He has blatantly came out and said to me hundreds of times that he wants to marry me. (I am currently finishing school, he is done). Heres the problem:

I come from a very Catholic family, and he is Jewish. We have gotten in a few arguments about this. His mother was once Catholic, but converted when she married his father. He told me that he would expect me to convert, just like his mom did. I really do not want to do this, I don't feel that I should have to do that in order to be with him. I have had a concept for my entire life, and so has he. I don't feel that we need to change this in order to be together.

His father told him that if he allowed me to celebrate Christmas in our house and had children that celebrated Christmas, he would not speak to his son. My family thinks there is no problem observing both religions, they would be fine with me marrying a Jewish man. I asked my boyfriend what he thought about observing both of our religions. He said that he would not want to have kids that would celebrate Christian holidays and Jewish holidays, he wants a solidified family. After one of the arguments, he came out and said "at the end of the day, I don't care what religion you are, and I just want to be with you."

Is it worth continuing this relationship? Like I said before, I can't imagine not being with him and we love eachother very much...but I feel that if I do end up marrying him, his family is going to hate me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 1:22am
In my opinion, I think it would be a mistake to marry. Love is not enough to make a happy marriage. Basic core values such as religion should match. He would resent you for the religion you teach your children. His father would hate him. Holidays would be a source of tension more then happiness. How much do you actually know about his religion? Would his not believing in Jesus bother you? Religious beliefs can be the most important thing in peoples lives and marriage outside of it can spell disaster. There are always some that are not that religious that intermarry very happily but your boyfriend is not one of them. There is an old saying "a bird can love a fish but where would they live?"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 10:07am
This one sounds like a "deal-breaker" to me. You are going to have this battle the rest of your lives. He's probably hoping that you'll change your mind, or you're hoping he'll change his. Sweetheart, what you see is what you get. He will not change. He's going to have to defend you to his family constantly if he's willing to do that (I wouldn't be with someone who wouldn't) and his father's said he would disown him. Boy, there's love for you. I shudder to think that I would risk losing my kids b/c they chose to marry outside the faith. It isn't worth that. We're supposed to love each other. That's the main theme of ANY bible, jewish or other. Doesn't sound like you're feelin' the love here to me. I know you love him, but this is a relationship that is doomed to fail, if you marry him. If he's adamant, and it sounds like he is, go on with your life. You can love again. Trust me here. Love someone who shares your values, interests, goals, ambitions. Grow in yourself. It's all so important. Don't expect him to change and I wouldn't change for him, either. We're supposed to love and accept each other as we are. Good luck. Becky
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 11:18am
I agree with the other posters. I don't see any way of a marriage surviving, especially with his family so dead-set against the differences in religion. I think this would be impossible to overcome unless you give up your beliefs and take up his.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 11:33am

I think you should let this one go. It would be different if he was open to the idea of observing both relgions (or even allowing you to continue with Christmas) but he is not open to that idea and that WILL NOT CHANGE, especially given his family's attitude.

I do understand that this must be devastating for you. But better you know now and move on then spend years fighting about something that cannot be solved. It would be different if you wanted to embrace Judiasm, but you do not, and I don't think that that is wrong, it is just who you are. I am Jewish (I was once married to a v. observant Jew and there were problems when it came to Christmas which we always celebrated in my house)and I would never convert to another religion because it is who I am.

I'm sorry for this very difficult situation you find yourself in, but love does NOT conquer all.

Best wishes,

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 10:33pm
My grandma and grandpa have two different religions as well. My grandpa is jewish and my grandma is christian. They compromised. She attends church every Sunday and still practices her religion. He cannot go anywhere due to health problems and I cannot recall if he attended with her before that time. But they have been happily married for 25 years. They met later in life and have always sought to see things in between. There may be a way to work this out but you also have the unfortunate side of his family. You have to compromise sometimes in life but never change who you are. I supposed what I wanna say is his family should be more reasonable. I know that everyone feels strongly about their religion and who they are but they also need to respect others for who they are. They should respect you, your choices, and your religion. They also need to respect their son, his feelings, and outlook. I can't help but wonder if there is a point of compromise between all parties involved and if a compromise cannot be reached then I would walk away. You can find someone who has your beliefs or can learn to compromise. I believe I have a positive outlook on this looking back on my grandparents relationship but not every relationship is the same. Follow your heart and you'll know what to do. Goodluck!