i have issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2005
i have issues
6
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 12:31am
hello everyone! like i said, i have issues, and i'd really appreciate some advice. my problem is not with a new love, but with an old one. the first one to be exact. does it ever go away? i have been with my current boyfriend for over a year now, and he is wonderful. we get along perfectly, i have tons of fun with him, i trust him completely, and i love him very much. he is such a great guy. ideal, actually. everything is great except for one little thing... a big part of my heart still belongs to my ex. i broke up with him about three years ago. we were together for about four. i wouldn't describe that relationship as ideal, but it was amazing where it really counts. we were young though, and we both needed some space i guess, to figure out who we were as individuals. he stayed there, waiting for me. i moved away, for what was supposed to be a temporary change of scenery, and i never came back. and i fell in love. i found someone who i would have to be crazy to give up, so why do i still feel this way. i have a constant sick feeling in my stomach or my heart or who knows where, and i just want to be at peace. i don't want to spend the rest of my life tangled up in what if?s. we have a great life together now, but its not the same. and maybe i shouldn't compare, but i can't help it. theres alot of stuff that i have now with that i would have killed to have had with jake. but there's alot that i had then that i would love to have now. the guy i'm with now is comfortable. i know that he would do anything for me, and i know he loves me, but he doesn't show it too much. there's no passion, zero romance, and a wierd lack of sex that he tends to blame on working so much. i don't care if i was half dead, i'd still do him! its sort of like we've been married for fifty years. have you every put a crazy amount of time and energy and love into a guy, and just get a little smile and a thanks, when you were anticipating a certain reaction all day long. thats what i sort of do every day. but he's sweet, and he's fun, and he would chop his arm off for me, as would i for him. he is a straight path if you will. no surprises, no let downs. my ex on the other hand, was a bit different. we had more problems, most of which were petty, but they were still there. he'd get a little jealous over silly things, and he was fiery, like me, so we'd clash on occasion. but we loved eachother, madly. with jake, the lows were low, but the highs were very high. right now, i don't have many highs, and i miss them. and i wish that he would get a little jealous once in awhile. i just worry that i'll never feel that feeling again. that crazy, passionate feeling that rips through your body when lips meet. that feeling when you hold someone and are actually scared that you'll break them if you squeeze any harder, and you never want to let go. i feel that now too, but i don't think the intensity is very mutual. it sort of ruins it. with jake, we had an unbreakable bond, its still there for both of us. we went through so much together, and we knew eachother inside and out. we were best friends in the greatest sense of the word. so anyway, i'm in love, and i'm in love again. i just don't know what part of me is crazy. i don't know which half of my heart to listen to. i don't want to leave the very close to perfect guy that i have for the not so perfect guy that i used to have. will i ever be able to fall asleep without thinking of him. will he ever be just a memory that's nice to smile and look back on? i know whats in my past, and i know whats in my present, i just wish i knew what the hell to think about my future. again, any advice would be greatly appreciated, i'm just sick of keeping this to myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: amanda5805
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 10:58am

amanda...


Doesn't your post boil down

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
In reply to: amanda5805
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 1:34pm

Amanda,

Do you have any friends/family that have remained close to you through both of these relationships? I found myself in a similar situation not long ago and I felt really confused and was not sure what to do. So, I talked to my friends and family who had known me through both relationships... I felt like they were able to see the situation differently than I was; they were close enough to me to see how happy (or unhappy) I was, but still outside enough to be unbiased. So maybe people who have observed you could say "without a doubt you appear happier now" and they could remind you why you left that last relationship, or perhaps they'll say the opposite, if that is what is true. The point is, sometimes people on the outside have a better idea what is going on then those on the inside.

Sorry, not the greatest idea, but it's all I can come up with. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
In reply to: amanda5805
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 2:22pm
Will you bear out a long story?? When I was 14, I met a guy 17...my first date..my first kiss...my first love. We were never intimate (no sex) but the chemistry was definitely there. At 15, I had a beautiful engagement ring on my finger. I loved this guy to DEATH!! He went off to West Point, and being young and stupid, I took up with someone else. Gave to him what belonged to J. J ended up coming home for thanksgiving early and caught me with him. End of engagement. He always saw only me when he came into town, we dated still. He wrote me constantly. Yet I knew that he was dating other girls in New York. I got married to a guy I knew a month ( he was doing his basic training for the air force and I'm from San Antonio, which is where they do it). that marriage lasted a year. During that time, my grandmother died and I had to go to the airport to make my return reservation (they did things differently in '76). Who do I see heading for me in the airport?? J. Turns out his grandmother died and he was there for the same reason. His first words were what did I do going and getting married on him? Didn't I know that if I had just stuck it out he'd have gotten over his hurt and we'd have gotten back together? Asked me to leave my h right then and there and go to New York. I took vows, I said no. He haunted every single relationship I ever had. I made the comparisons. Nobody ever measured up. I even had dreams. I wished I had taken him up on his offer. I divorced #1, married #2. That one was 23 years long. I still thought about J. from time to time. Still dreamed about him sometimes. Always about our reuniting. Get the picture?? I was soo hung up on this guy. NOW. I'm with a man 10 years younger than I am. Do I ever think about J.? NO. He and I even reestablished contact about 4 years ago. Talked occasionally. He's in a 25 year marriage and has 2 kids. I still heard the "what ifs" in his voice then. But I'm no homewrecker. I don't even talk to him anymore now. The reason is I have met the love of my life. The man who surpasses everything I wanted or expected. The man who I click with in a way I didn't know was possible. He is perfect for me, if there is such a thing as perfection. The moral to this story is you can't always go back. The reasons for failure in the first place are still there. But you can go forward and you don't have to settle. I made my mind up that I would never settle again. I have more than I could have wished for. Hang in there. Go get yourself some happiness. It's not gonna be with the guy you have now...you can have all that you described good about him plus the sex, the affection, the romance, etc. You just have to not settle for less. Good luck. Becky
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
In reply to: amanda5805
Fri, 04-29-2005 - 1:24pm

Here's a thought, neither one is right for you.

If your ex were right for you, you'd still be with him. If the guy you are with was right for you, you wouldn't be asking the question in the first place.

There's a door #3 out there somewhere, IMO, you should be brave enough to leave the safe and the secure and go find it.

I did. Actually, I ended up with door #4 and there were quite a few boxes and trap doors in and around those four doors that didn't add up to much of anything in between.

The truth is pianoguy made a good point, there is no "perfect guy". However there is a perfect guy for YOU and when you find him you wont have to analyze the living heck out of it to figure out whether it's right or not.

I don't come to the board much any more in part because I tend to get a lot of negative responses to my comments about the fact that IMO if you're questioning and struggling in your relationship a lot it's because it isn't right for you or because your not really ready for a relationship.

I was in love twice before I met my fiancé and they were great guys. They were guys that I knew loved me and made me feel safe and that I probably could have spent the rest of my life with. But when the chips were down I knew it was just too hard to be with them. I didn't believe I should be struggling with the doubts I had or to struggle just to try to get on the same wave length they were on. It shouldn't be that much work.

The truth is I believe relationships require a lot of effort and there will be times when they require hard work even, but the truth is I don't think it should make you stressed and scared and anxious. And it shouldn’t require so much work that you would question whether or not it’s worth it. 95% of the time a good relationship should be a safe haven, the place you go to be yourself and relax. It shouldn't be the source of anxiety.

In order to have a relationship like that I have learned you have to be very comfortable in your own skin with who you are and what matters to you. You need to know yourself and unfortunately, getting to know yourself can be a lot of REALLY hard work, because when you start really digging around inside you aren't always going to like what you see.

Getting to know yourself takes more then going through the motions and learning to respond the way you "should". It takes time. It took me 33 years. For some people it takes 22 for others 50+.

I do know this you wont find happiness with someone else until you find happiness within yourself in the here and now. You wont find it next week when you find shoes to match that new skirt or when you're making $50k a year. You wont find it when you meet "the right guy" or when you have a family.

Happiness isn't something you plan on it's something you are right here, right now.

When you've achieved that you'll find the right guy. You'll find a guy that has achieved that too and you'll be really, really happy. You wont be swamped by self-doubt. You wont be anxious or nervous. Every time, well almost every time, you're with him it will feel like you're home. Like you're peaceful and content and happy. And no you wont be overcome with attraction all the time, but you will be plenty often, trust me.

I'm playing the song "Feel Like Home" when I walk down the aisle in October because that's what being with my fiancé feels like. Personally, I think that's what real love is supposed to feel like.

I know this may not help a lot. I know what you're going through, I know it sucks. I know it's hard. But if you think for one second you're settling well, you should think about it, because there's a good chance you are and that's not fair to either of you.

Good luck.

Nicole

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
In reply to: amanda5805
Fri, 04-29-2005 - 2:26pm

Bravo...cheers...applause...kudos to you, Nick!


That is a great post ~ yes, relationships require effort and yes, they sometimes hurt.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
In reply to: amanda5805
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 2:30pm

I agree, well said Nicole!

No one is perfect but when you're with the right person, those doubts and "what ifs" go away and you let go of past relationships. Nothing else matters. I posted a few weeks ago about a great guy who I just couldn't get myself to feel 100% about. For years (we were friends first) i went back and forth on my feelings and I DEFINITELY compared him to my ex a lot (and at times, I wished I was still with my ex, like you're doing). But I realized now that's not how a relationship should be. As warm and loving and funny as he was, things were missing for me. When you're with the right person, you just know it. I once heard a cool quote and I can't really remember how it goes but the premise was that, if you're having doubts about someone, then there really is NO doubt about your feelings. (doubts=not right)