Help! my love story dilemma.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Help! my love story dilemma.......
8
Fri, 04-29-2005 - 12:59am

y love dillema is scandelous, tragic, a little heartbreaking, and very stressful! I need a few shoulders to cry on and some welcome comments, advice, or anyone who can relate!

I have basically fallen head over heels for the one person in the world that is just "off limits" in my life. It is one of those "its never gonna happen situations". This guy is everything I could imagine my perfect match would be. More so than that, it is the physical and mental connection I feel around him. From the very first day I ever saw this guy, I had a feeling...a feeling that at the time i didn't know what it meant, but I knew without saying more than five words to him that there was something behind it all. Has anyone ever felt that instant chemistry with a person that you don't even know there name or have any good logical reason why you feel it, its that feeling you hear about in movies, but never really thought was true?

The guy here causing me trauma, is none other than my brothers best friend. A friend that has been clearly stated to me as being off limits (by my brother greg).

My brother doesnt want us to have anything to do with one another (for reasons I can only assume are my brothers pride, his friendship at stake, and he doesnt like the thought of his friends doing to me what they do with girls that they gossip about.

Heres the quickest version I can tell you....
My crush started off flirty, fun, and just care free. It turned into a sexual tension type of thing, and has now come to a point of respect and admiration and just true infatuation with Trey (the best friend).
We flirted a lot and have been known to steal laughs and smiles that we dont even realize until someone else points them out. There have been a few encounters involving a hook up session with he and I. Once just harmless kissing on a camping trip after some drinks (got caught, and it was all in good fun and joked about with all of our friends). Which followed up with what i beleive was the peak of the sexual tension that had been building for months, with a drunken hook up (a lot more than kissing) in his car outside of a club and were caught again by Greg and my older sister Liz. It was a wild, sooo passionate, fireworks type of hook up (even though it was quick and interupted) you could feel the chemsitry in the air that night with no denying it. WE never spoke of this to eachother. It was known what happened and we never discussed it further. I was shunned Greg and Trey made up and there were promises is that it was a mistake and apologies. But i cant stay away. I think about this guy everyday and have to see him all the time and we just ignore eachother 1/2 the time or just have casual group conversations. But other people have even pointed out that they see the smiles and laughs that we dont even notice we do. Its still there, the attraction I forced myself to let go still surfaces from time to time.

Somedays it gets the best of me and I become a wide eyed puppy that just hangs on his every word (and im sure he notices). I have no idea how he feels. He is too hard to figure out and I could end up in the mental ward trying to figure out every gesture and sentance he says. He and I never talk alone, mostly on our own free will and to some degree Gregs not allowing it. Somedays I think he hates me and that I am just this annoying little sister that is always around, and somedays I think he feels exactly how I do and lets it slip.

My brother sat me down once and said to stay away from him, back off, that he needs me to respect that this will never happen and if I ever tried to pursue it, he would never forgive me. So i am completely torn between this undeniable feeling that creeps its way into my mind no matter how hard I try and convince myself the opposite. I cannot decide if my brother gave Trey this talk too, but i think he made it clear at some point to him as well. Trey is very respectful of my brother and his close friendship, but sometimes I get the feeling that when looks at me every now and then, he is telling me with his eyes that he feels it too and he doesnt know if he can betray my brother like that. Its weird to come to that conclusion just from a look or stare from someone, but I feel like I can just tell sometime. So there is a crossroads between his loyalty and the chemsitry I think we both feel(but I could be wrong and waaayyy off on that assumption).

So I have come to 4 conclusions here:
A, Trey really isnt into me ne ways and I just need to take this as a good learning experience and just become another girl mending a wounded heart.
B. I need to decide once and for all that I will not fall for this guy b/c of my brothers wishes, and that It will be hard to walk away from a what if...but better for my family in the end
C. Let time run its course, if its meant to be we have our whole lives to figure it out (I picture us in a few years when I am older and more set in my life rekindling some old feelings if they still exist and the timing is right) b/c my brother wuld be more adapted to the idea if we are all just a little older and more mature. (this would be absolute misery to my heart and mind and would not just be an easy thing to accolmpish no matter how good it sounds, I dont know if i can promise to just sit back and take the ride excrutatingly slow)
D. Screw it all and pursue ne ways(either get drunk and throw myself at him or just seduce him) hoping my brother either doesnt find out at all or at least until I know how Trey feels (which i cannot lay it all on the line with a completely mature conversation yet b/c of what is at stake with my brother and the embarassment of seeing this guy consistantly for the rest of my life and getting shot down) It would have to evolve through alcohol or him making the first move.

What do you all think???!?!?!

I am going crazy so any advice is helpful....also if anyone is interested in me posting some more insight into the whole detailed story of how I ended up in this dilemma (and how I went from like, to hook up, to just madly lusting afer this guy)I will tell it (i love to tell it b/c I think its such a good story and people can relate to a love-lost type of story) It fills u in on any details I skipped to make this as short of post as possible. So if u want me to tell the long version, let me know.

<<>> this is just one of those things that You know is soooo wrong, but just feels so right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Fri, 04-29-2005 - 4:31am

I can understand why your brother might have a problem with his best friend dating his sister, but what it really comes down to is your brother being a little immature and wanting his friend's full attention. He can't forbid you from dating his friend, nor should he. I can understand that it would be difficult if things went wrong, but I think it's more a question of your bro not wanting to share his best friend. Understandable, but you don't always get what you want in life.

However, having said all that, I also do believe that a man should pursue a woman and even though there might be intense feelings there, I don't think you should 'get drunk and throw yourself at him'. I would make your feelings for him known subtley, but let him do the pursuing. You could be right though and this just might be a case of great chemistry but bad timing.

Best wishes.

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Fri, 04-29-2005 - 10:07am
Am I missing something here?? Does your brother know something about this guy that he's not letting on and that's why he's so resistant to the idea of y'all being together? Is he afraid that the relationship might end and that he and his friend couldn't be friends after??? Just what is it? My brother is 14 years older than I am...I'm the "baby" of the family, yet no one would DARE to tell me who I could and could not see. I make my own decisions. If I was nuts about one of my brother's friends, I would treat the relationship with all the respect in the world, try to go slowly with it to make sure that it was right..not just jump into something. But I would pursue it nonetheless if I really cared about this person. Does your brother think y'all are too young or something? If you're old enough to drink then you should be old enough to choose who to see. Sounds like your brother is having a typical "big brother" reaction...he needs to realize that you will grow up sooner or later and make decisions of your own independent of what he thinks. Your life is yours, no one else's...mistakes and all. You need to sit him down and have a heart to heart and find out just what his problem REALLY is. Sounds like there's more here than meets the eye....good luck. Becky
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Fri, 04-29-2005 - 12:43pm

My two cents. Respect your brother's wishes, and BACK OFF.


I say this because.....1. He could know something about Trey that you don't. 2. He could feel Trey's not good enough for you. 3. He could feel you're not good enough for Trey.


Secondly, you don't know your brother's intentions, and for some reason, I HIGHLY doubt it has anything to do with "wanting Trey's full attention". I have a brother, and most of my male friends are "older brothers to younger sisters". Most of them would NOT want them dating their friends, and MANY men respect that friendship boundary (never date your best friend's sister).


Unless you get permission by your brother, just know that by pursuing Trey, you will in fact, not only break up a friendship, but maybe your family.


lastly. What you have described about Trey, is all physical. It's about the chemistry that you find wild and intoxicating. It also sounds more like a huge physical crush than love. And for all you know, Trey is a total player that has had sex with 100 women, right before AND after he was making out with you, but you're brother knows that.


My two cents. I'd ask your brother exactly WHY he doesn't want you seeing Trey. Secondly, unless you two TRULY have a REAL connection to the point of a mature r'ship, I"d leave it alone. Lastly, I've been there done that, however, my brother doesn't give a flying rat's ass about me. I bet your brother DOES care about you. And if he does, I'd respect that. Yes, you can do whatever the hell you want, but is it worth the cost of their friendship and loss of your brother?





my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Fri, 04-29-2005 - 3:02pm

IMO, your brother is controlling. Sure, you could respect your brother's request, which you've been doing. However, I don't think any adult is entitled to place rules on another. We're entitled to our own decisions. As long as those decisions aren't hurting others. It's not like this other guy is married ... he's available! Would pursuing something with this guy really be hurting your brother? How would it really be HURTING him? Let's say you and this guy Trey make a go of it, and it doesn't work out, can't mature adults still co-exist and carry on adult relationships? That doesn't mean he'd lose his best friend, that is ... if we're all mature adults here, right?

Your brother may know something about this guy that he doesn't want to tell you ... but, you can ask your brother to be honest with you about it ... we all deserve for those who love us to be honest with us.

Telling you who you can and can't have feelings for is asking you to control what's in your heart and it's controlling of him to make a decision for you. And, that's a painful feeling!

So, let's look at your conclusions:

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You'll never know unless you ask him ... just say "ok, if my brother wasn't interferring with this ... am I someone you'd want to date?"

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See above about whether or not it's really hurting your brother. Ask your brother for his honesty about it.

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Decisions take action. You could let it play itself out, but why wonder ... if you can have some answers.

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Letting something evolve through alcohol is never a good move. And yes ... you CAN lay it on the line with a completely mature conversation.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Fri, 04-29-2005 - 6:17pm

"Would pursuing something with this guy really be hurting your brother? How would it really be HURTING him? Let's say you and this guy Trey make a go of it, and it doesn't work out, can't mature adults still co-exist and carry on adult relationships? That doesn't mean he'd lose his best friend, that is ... if we're all mature adults here, right?"


No offense to you starbuck, but i've lived this with an older brother, in all ways.


Um, I dated one of his friends, and from what I was told, even though he didn't care, he also didn't like it. Whatever, I didn't care what he thought. I'd do what I want. Well, this guy I was dating was telling me my brother was drinking excessively and doing drugs. And telling me all kinds of horrid things about my brother's life that "i didn't know". well, i found out muhc later it was all lies.


Also, their friendship ended, and well, so did my r'ship with my brother, the day that my xbf (bf at the time of course) started beating me up daily and my brother knew he was that type of guy and didn't do anything about it.


Like I said, my brother didn't give a damn about me. They were still friends. And no,




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Fri, 04-29-2005 - 7:05pm

Just a little background here.....

My brother and I just this year have regained a relationship with each other I thought was completely lost. We have finally come to terms with stuff that happened in our childhood and really came to know eachother this year after many years of a distant angry relationship. It isnt the most healthy and positive of relationships yet, but its getting there. We still both have a lot of things were trying to put behind us, and we take it out on one another very viciously and hurtful sometimes, but I want us to really make it this time as brother and sister.

also, the fact that I am not 21 yet is playing a big part in this b/c I have heard trey say before he would never be able to date a girl underage b/c of circumstances unknown. So, thats just a little more info for anyone dishing out advice for me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 3:37pm

Well, then my advice to you, is this.

STAY AWAY FROM TREY AND MOVE ON........

why? cuz if you want a r'ship with your brother, or to even repair what you have had, then I suggest you RESPECT his wishes and stay away from his friend. As I've said, if it's meant to be, it'll work out at the right time.

Lastly, how old is Trey and how old are you? If you're underage (under 18) and he's older, he can get arrested for some things, like sex.......that could suck. If you're under 18, you can't consent. PERIOD.

If you're under 21 and he's older, then I would suggest, at your age, life will give you more turns than you can ever count, and ever imagine, so realize that this is but one bump in your life that you will have to overcome in the next 5 years.

Again, if it's meant to be, it won't be drunken "hook-ups" it'll be a mature r'ship that starts of maturely and grows. Right now, it seems very immature to me, but that's me, feel free to disagree. I say, if you want a r'ship, with your brother, you MUST give him RESPECT. and that means, staying away from his friend at his request.

BTW, I'm 30, my brother and I, don't really get along, never have. We've always had a bad r'ship. If he died today, I could careless. If that's the type of r'ship you want, then by all means, go against all his wishes. If you want to try and salvage your r'ship wiht your brother, and grow up together in a more loving environment, I highly suggest you respect what he wants, at this point in your life. Later on, you can decide if the r'ship is worth keeping or throwing away over a man.






my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 4:24pm

I think you've got a huge crush on this guy, which is fun and tragic at the same time. I think you should prod your brother alot more about his real problem with you spending time with his best friend. And at the same time, maybe you should have a mature talk with Trey. Maybe he isn't as smitten because he hasn't made a more serious move on you. If he saw real potential, I think he would be more about it, or even telling your brother how he sincerely feels.

Is he seeing other girls? Make sure he doesn't just use you when you are out with friends drinking, because he's aware of your crush. There is nothing wrong with playing around and hooking up (safely) as long as you realize its casual. Play it light and have fun with him. Look deeper though to your brothers reasons and Trey's intentions before focusing all your attention on this. You are going to meet and crush on a ton of guys before you find your match. Let us know how it goes, and your newfound relationship with your brother. Make sure HE is looking out for your best interest as his sister, than just his, ok? warm hugs