Taming the Wild Side
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Taming the Wild Side
| Sun, 05-01-2005 - 3:51pm |
Hi!
For about a month now I've been dating this guy who I'll call J. He's 8 years older than me (I'm 23) and has had the relationship experience that I don't really have. Several months ago, he ended a 7 month long relationship b/c there was no chemistry & after that he got back into the party lifestyle. Then when we met (thanks to my best friend), things kinda changed for us both. We really really hit it off. So after a few more dates, we both realized we really like each other & there's a lot of potential here for things to progress. I'm told from my best friend that he really likes me & wants things to go somewhere & I feel the same way. He thinks I'm a great girl, smart, educated, on top of things & really going somewhere in my life. He's called me 'marriage material'. This was said after our 3rd date. We both don't want things to end but we're going to take it slow for a while. So,after a month of dating, I've totally fallen for him. I trust him completely & am totally honest and open with him (the feeling is mutual). I've never been like this with a guy, even with my ex, who I dated for 3 years. This is a first for me. He makes me feel good about myself & lets me be myself. He listens to me, cares about what I have to say & is there for me when I need advice or just someone to vent to. Everything is great when we're together except for one thing. When we go out with our friends to the bar, he tends to drink a little more than he should. Thankfully though, over this last month, he's gotten better about it. But still, when he is in that condition, he says things that I don't know how to take. For example, the other night he told me that somedays he wants to dump me but other days he doesn't. He doens't know what he wants. He doesn't know what he's doing. That I'm helping to bring him back to reality. So after hearing that, I got upset. Here's me, putting my heart out on the line, telling him how I feel, wanting things to work out and go somewhere....I didn't know what to think. I still don't know! He says 'slowly but surely I'll tame him'. Is it worth it for me to stick around or will he just break my heart? Or am I crazy for falling for him after only a month? He wants to go at a 'snail pace', which at first I thought was a good idea, but as things progressed, I don't think I can. There are things I feel for him that I've never felt before for anyone! They say when you meet "The One", you know. Well, I'm pretty much at that point. But I'm so bothered Should I listen to what he says when he's intoxicated? Isn't that when a person's true feelings come out? I'm ready to jump into the water with both feet but not sure if I should. HELP!!!!
For about a month now I've been dating this guy who I'll call J. He's 8 years older than me (I'm 23) and has had the relationship experience that I don't really have. Several months ago, he ended a 7 month long relationship b/c there was no chemistry & after that he got back into the party lifestyle. Then when we met (thanks to my best friend), things kinda changed for us both. We really really hit it off. So after a few more dates, we both realized we really like each other & there's a lot of potential here for things to progress. I'm told from my best friend that he really likes me & wants things to go somewhere & I feel the same way. He thinks I'm a great girl, smart, educated, on top of things & really going somewhere in my life. He's called me 'marriage material'. This was said after our 3rd date. We both don't want things to end but we're going to take it slow for a while. So,after a month of dating, I've totally fallen for him. I trust him completely & am totally honest and open with him (the feeling is mutual). I've never been like this with a guy, even with my ex, who I dated for 3 years. This is a first for me. He makes me feel good about myself & lets me be myself. He listens to me, cares about what I have to say & is there for me when I need advice or just someone to vent to. Everything is great when we're together except for one thing. When we go out with our friends to the bar, he tends to drink a little more than he should. Thankfully though, over this last month, he's gotten better about it. But still, when he is in that condition, he says things that I don't know how to take. For example, the other night he told me that somedays he wants to dump me but other days he doesn't. He doens't know what he wants. He doesn't know what he's doing. That I'm helping to bring him back to reality. So after hearing that, I got upset. Here's me, putting my heart out on the line, telling him how I feel, wanting things to work out and go somewhere....I didn't know what to think. I still don't know! He says 'slowly but surely I'll tame him'. Is it worth it for me to stick around or will he just break my heart? Or am I crazy for falling for him after only a month? He wants to go at a 'snail pace', which at first I thought was a good idea, but as things progressed, I don't think I can. There are things I feel for him that I've never felt before for anyone! They say when you meet "The One", you know. Well, I'm pretty much at that point. But I'm so bothered Should I listen to what he says when he's intoxicated? Isn't that when a person's true feelings come out? I'm ready to jump into the water with both feet but not sure if I should. HELP!!!!

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Do you want to be a wife or a lion tamer? Let's face it, he's 31 years old. He's no kid. If he was going to be "tamed" it should have been done long ago. Personally, I think he's a little too old to be talking and acting like a 20 year old.
Maybe if you could keep him away from alcohol things might be OK, but as long as he continues to drink he'll continue to behave in thoughtless and negative ways. Look down the road. He says your marriage material, but is HE? How would you feel if you WERE married to him and had 2 or 3 kids and he said and did the things he's doing now? Under pressure of married life would he drink even more than he does now?
If his drinking and the rudeness that comes with it is a pattern for him then I'm afraid you're in for a lot of hurt. There may be a reason why he's 31 and still needs to be "tamed". I know that's a job I wouldn't want to take on.
To the OP.
All I can say is this. I married my xh when he was 30. A year and a half later, when he was 31, he decided he was going to go out with the "boys" from his work, DURING the work week, drink until 2am, and come home. And he'd do this T/Th/F. Well, I was NONE too happy.
His comment to me.....what i do after work is none of your business. And it doesn't affect you anyways.
I told him it does, cuz if he gets pulled over for drinking and driving, he could land up in jail for 6 months, during which, as a MARRIED couple, WE'd lose everything, the house, the cars, everything. His reply, "so".
After accepting that this is what he wants, and what he needs to do, I figured, I'd wait until he got it out of his system. After 8 months of this, I got fed up. I finally told him we need to do something, cuz our marriage is falling apart.
His reply, "I don't want to live like a married man, I want to go out, drink, have fun. I guess, I don't want to live a married life anymore. I tried it, it's not for me."
So we divorced. For more reasons than that one. But the biggest thing that he chose over me, was living the life of a 21-year-old college student, versus living like a mature responsible adult. I wouldn't have minded him drinking, if he didn't drive home drunk, or come home at 2am when he had to be at work by 7am. Things like that.
So, could I tame him? No. I allowed him to do his thing, thinking it was just something he had to get out of his system. AFterall, he was 31 going on 32. And the guys he was hanging out were like 23.
My two cents. Let him go. If it's meant to be, you'll meet up at the right time. Do you want to really be married to a 31 year old frat boy trying to relive his college days? BTDT, it's not fun.
I do believe that you can fall in love in a month, whether it's true love or not is another question entirely.
To me true love can occur when BOTH people are ready willing and able to share their life with another person. They are comfortable with who they are and they and what they need. basically, they already have the stuff together.
So I guess I woould say I have to agree witht the other posters, this guy doesn't really sound like he has his stuff together. He's expecting you to get it together for him.
Second, having experienced that I just "know" feeling more then once or at least thinking I had let me speak based on my experience. The "just knowing" that you are experiencing is probbaly not the real deal. When you really, truly "just know" it pushes away any doubts or miss givings you have. Not willfully, not by ognoring cold hard facts that are right in fornt of you, which I've experienced as well. This sort of just know makes you feel peaceful and safe andthere's just no room left for doubt.
It sounds to me like you have some pretty serious doubts.
People wont change for you, they have to change for themselves. If he's expecting you to "tame" him, he's etting you both up for failure. Either he loves you and is willing to commit to you and he is ready to be in a real relationship or not. The rest is just excuses.
My fiance had no problem letting me know that I was the only one for him within a month, within three months we were moving in together and within 4-5 months he was talking about getting married. And HE was the one to bring it up. My point is when a guy is ready and he finds the right girl, he's not going to have a problem making a commitment. Heck, he might even be like my guy and move even faster then you do.
"My fiance had no problem letting me know that I was the only one for him within a month, within three months we were moving in together and within 4-5 months he was talking about getting married. And HE was the one to bring it up. My point is when a guy is ready and he finds the right girl, he's not going to have a problem making a commitment. Heck, he might even be like my guy and move even faster then you do."
I totally agree. If I thought for one second Pete wasn't stable or that this was something he did with other women it would mean nothing.
I've experienced what you're talking about too. With an abusive ex. Heck, we had dated five years ago, he pops back up and wants to play house in a month. I should have run for cover and I knew it, but I ignored my instincts and allowed him to convince me I was "afraid to REALLY love soemone". What a crock of crap, I just didn't love him.
That's why it took me longer to come around to the idea then it took Pete. And Pete never rushed me to do anything he always let me move the relationship forward he just showedme how he felt and let me do the rest. So it all felt pretty natural even if it was really scary. Funny how sometimes you can be scared out of your mind even when you're doing something that feels totally right.
There's no doubt, men let you know what's going on, but it's up to you to judge their character and their intentions.
"There's no doubt, men let you know what's going on, but it's up to you to judge their character and their intentions."
ITA!!! Although, it's not easy to do that. Especially when you feel connected, chemistry, blah blah blah. Cuz then things get foggy. KWIM?
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