Why does being a student matter?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2005
Why does being a student matter?
9
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 7:00pm

When I started dating my boyfriend one and half years ago I had absolutley no intention of falling in love or any of that other complicated stuff. I just wanted to have some fun. Of course, I ended up falling in love with him, and for the most part it has been great. The biggest problem though concerns the future. I want to get married and plan a future together. He thinks that it is too soon. Why is it too soon? Because I have one more year until I am done with undergraduate studies. I'm applying to graduate school in the fall so then in one year I will either find a full time job or go to graduate school (I am now 22). He thinks that women change after they graduate college and that a lot of women seem to suddenly crave their freedom and that he doesn't know what I will be like working full time and so forth. I think this is crazy talk. I've worked full time over the summers before. And more than 1/2 of graduate students are married. He is thinking about applying to medical school- he has had a full time job for serveral years now- he graduated colllege early plus he is seven years older than me.

Well he has been burned in the past, and maybe this is part of it or something. He'd be happy to live together, but not get married, which is definitely somethingn I find confusing. So I'm good enough to date or live with but not to marry? He then goes on about how uncertain life in general is all that. I mean he has never had stellar decision making skills- it takes thirty minutes to figure out what DVD to watch.

So I said, fine, I won't force a decision at least not yet. I also said though that this couldn't keep up forever, that it was taking a toll on me. I mean we seem to have this great relationship and we are in love and so forth, but then what is wrong with this or me or whatever that he is so afraid of?

I don't how much longer I can do this. Maybe six months or so before it just drives me crazy. I don't want to break up, but I think I deserve to know where I stand and so forth. I really just do not understand this. Yes, life happens and things change and nothing is ever really 100 percent certain I suppose. But people still live anyway.

Its at the point now where I'm afriad to get closer to him or spend more time together- I don't want to make vacation plans and so forth because I'm afraid that i'm going to get my heart broken by him and I don't know if I could handle it if we kept getting closer.

Whats a girl to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 11:57pm

<< Whats a girl to do? >>

Make your decisions based on you, your needs and your best interests. It is not up to him to determine what is in YOUR best interest ... no one can truly know that other than ourselves.

Secondly, you stated << I mean we seem to have this great relationship and we are in love and so forth, but then what is wrong with this or me or whatever that he is so afraid of?
>>

Many of us make the assumption that there's something wrong with us ... when in fact, it may have absolutely nothing to do with you. True, there are uncertainties in life ... that's a given ... and yes, he may have been burned in the past ... but hey, haven't we all!? And if we haven't, at some point, we'll get hurt or feel hurt by someone ... part of life. That, in itself isn't enough to truly hold someone back ... because TRUE LOVE can only move you forward.

What this sounds like to me is that ... you both have a lot of variables in your lives right now ... graduate school for you (which you may or may not be sure of where you'll be going to school or where you'll be working) ... the possibility of medical school for him ... both of these considerations need to be your KEY priority as individuals ... as these are the things that will determine your future, as individuals. Predicating these decisions on each other or your relationship may in fact limit your options.

If he "keeps going on about how uncertain life is" ... it is because he realizes that you both have decisions to make ... and he may not want for you to make your decisions based on him ... or vice-versa ... and though he may not be the quickest in making decisions ... there is something to be said for making prudent decisions when it comes to life-changing choices.

Though this probably isn't what you want to hear ... I'd have to agree with your b/f that it is "too soon" to get married ... reason being, you both have variables that, by committing to each other NOW ... could limit your future options (ie, where you go to school or a great work opportunity that could take you elsewhere ... or where or if he goes to med school).

In closing, neither of you are "settled into your lives" enough to contemplate marriage without the possibility of limiting future options.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2005
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 12:07am

Your boyfriend's right - it's too soon. And he's right that you're going to change a lot between now and your mid-to-late 20's. Women really do come more into their own as they move out of the safety of college. College is a completely artificial atmosphere and working full-time during the summer doesn't even begin to mimick what it's like to be a fully employed person with responsibilities. I've watched many couples break up during this time he's talking about - mainly because the men couldn't handle the self-assured, independent women that their once needy girlfriends had turned into. Right now your boyfriend knows that your priorities are school and him. He realizes that your priorities will have to change once you're in grad school (a lot more work and more important than undergrad) and have a real job. Same goes for him. Med school is no joke and a large percentage of people break up or get divorced during it. And forget residency. Some programs are so malignant they actually brag about having divorce rates of over 100% - meaning some people got divorced more than once during their time there.

Point is, you're 22 and shouldn't even be thinking about getting married. These days most people who get married that early end up in starter marriages only to get divorced within a couple of years. Some people are going to tell you that age doesn't have anything to do with it but that only holds for a very small minority of relationships. You'll find that in areas with educated women that the age of first marriage is always much higher than in places without them. And the divorce rates are usually lower. Don't get swayed by what's popular where you live either as early marriage is often a regional thing as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2005
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 3:25am

I understand what you are saying. I always have intended to make decisions based on what is best for me as an individual. And I would like to feel that way too. I wish I did feel differently, I think it would make my life easier. I'm not saying I have to be married within a certain time frame or anything either.

Early on in our relationship I asked him how he felt about long distance relationships and he said he was against that.

So then what if I do have some decision to make about whether to far off to school and end the relationship? Well at this point I suppose I would have to go off to grad school.

Though at the same time I think that if you want a future with someone than that should be made clear. If I'm going to be in this relationship I think I deserve to know where it is heading. Because if I and our relationship don't at least merit large consideration in future plans, then I don't see why I should just wait for my heart to get broken.

And even if my relationship shouldn't influence my decisions, the truth is that it still will in a large way.

I'd be willing to wait until we got out of graduate school before getting married- I think that seems reasonable.

Its this uncertainty that I have problems with. I don't know why I can't feel differently, especially since I would like to. But I don't feel differently. I feel the way I do and i am the way I am. And that means I will need to know where this relationship is headed before too long and either get some sort of committment or get out.

Its finding the best way to approach that and deal with that that I think I am having the most trouble with. And I also feel hurt and disapointed. I feel like I am getting mixed signals too sometimes. Before he has said one of the reasons he isn't sure if he would apply to medical school elsewhere is because of our relationship. But then he says things like don't base my decisions on a relationship.

I'm not ready to walk away from this yet. But I do want to make life easier on myself. If you have any ideas on how to change the way I feel, then I would like to hear them. I feel like eiter way I am going to limit my options. And while I can't expect my academic or vocational future to sit down and tell me candidly where it sees us headed, I don't think it is unreasonable to expect that from my boyfriend.

Does this make sense?

I'm not even sure if I'm making sense to me sometimes. Ever since we talked about this a few days ago I just get more confused. And the person who is the best at helping me make sense of things usually is the one helping to create the confusion this time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 12:04pm

Let me see if I can sum up your feelings in a sentence or two.


You want a guarantee, he can't give you one, therefore, you feel unsure about everything in the r'ship.


Does that about sum it up?


I say that, only cuz I know that feeling. I wanted my 2xh to guarantee me that we'd get married, so I could plan my life around him. Not everything. But to the point of moving to where he lived. I wanted to know that THAT was the plan. THAT was what WE were going to do. WE were going to do what we had to FOR THE R'SHIP, versus ourselves.


It sounds like, you want him to say that you two WILL get married and that HE WILL marry you, and HE WILL be willing to do whatever it takes, even if that means a LDR because you went "away" for grad school, or he does. You want a guarantee that "it'll be okay" so you can more or less, feel okay.


Unfortunately, he's not willing to promise you anything. Cuz in reality, there are no guarantees.


So. All you can do is choose to hope for




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 12:51pm

Everyone has already given you some great advice, so I'll be brief.

I was in your shoes once upon a time and I felt EXACTLY the same way. Like you I wanted reassurance that the relationship was going where I wanted it to go. Reassurance the man I was with couldn't and wouldn't (rightfully so) give me. I had learned after ending an engagement that often times if there is no indication by one party in a relationship that they want a future together it's probably because that person is unsure and after a year or so I personally think you should be able to be sure, if you're not it's probbaly because they aren't the one for you.

So, I gave him a deadline for evaluating our future, he did and he said that in spite of loving me and knowing that I loved him he simply couldn't see himself getting married anytime soon. It really sucked and was hard to accept but we ended it as friends. A year later he was engaged. You see the real problem wasn't that he wasn't ready to get married, he just wasn't ready to marry ME.

The other thing is he's right, you still have so much of life to experience and believe it or not I feel confident you'll be happier waiting a little longer to settle down.

I'm 33 and going to be married for the first time in October to a man who has never been married, we both waited until we knew ourselves and were happy with ourselves and our lives as individuals before we found the right person. We waited until we were 100% sure we wanted to be together forever. It only took four months for us to know we were it and there is absolutely NO doubts what so ever in either of our minds.

I'm sure if someone had told me what I have told you when I was your age I'd be thinking, "Look lady, just because it took you 33 years to grow up and figure out who you are doesn't mean it's going to take me that long." And I would have been DEAD wrong.

Heck, I still don't know who I am because it changes all the time, but there is a calmness, a self-assuredness, a comfort level that I've reached not necessarily because I'm older, but simply because I have experienced soooo much more then I had at 23. I know that no matter what life throws at me I can handle it. I know I can stand on my own in the "real world". I know my limits. I trust myself and my judgement more then I ever have. I have faith in myself, I've never had. I thought I had it all, knew it all when I was 23. I didn't have a clue.

I still don't have all the answers. I'm still figuring things out a day a time. With maturity and experience you learn to except that uncertainty that is inherent to living. You find a place where that's okay. Where it's okay to not have all the answers, to be wrong, to not quite know what to do or who you are going to be in another month.

That to me is the first sign your getting a clue, it's when you start to be okay with the fact you don't really have one at all and you learn to just go with that and trust that you'll figure it out somehow.

Oh well, so much for keeping it short. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 1:03pm

<< I'm not ready to walk away from this yet. But I do want to make life easier on myself. If you have any ideas on how to change the way I feel, then I would like to hear them. >>

The only way to change how we FEEL ... is to focus on the FACTS. Facts are much more black & white than feelings. The "mixed messages" are a result of feelings. This doesn't mean that we should discount how we feel ... but, if we look at the facts ... REALLY take in all the facts and focus on those ... you'll be taking your attention off of how you feel and make a decision based on the FACTS of the situation at hand.

All that said, I do feel for you ... it's a tough decision to be faced with ... but, ultimately, you have to do what's best for you ... for your future, your future options ... those that you do have control over (ie, where/if you continue with school, whether you take a full-time job in your field) ... what's in your best interest ... you see it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2005
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 4:48pm

I really appreciate everyone's input. I guess one of the reasons that this hit me so hard was because things seemed to be heading toward the committment direction, we had talked about it vaughely before and he wanted me to move in and so forth (I said no, I don't want to live with someone before marriage without a formal committment. And he talked about a committment toward a committment which I thought was bull...). Then I decide to bring it up again and get some specifics and I get all this about how people change and so forth and it freaked me out.

I've always been very independant. I think that we have to keep the promises we have made to ourselves before we can begin to make promises to others and all that. And I will do what I think is best for me. I was hoping, at least in part, that maybe I wouldn't always have to be so independant. That instead of just having MY life I could have both MY life AND OUR life.

But I can't make myself feel differently than I do, not right away at least. And I just have to remind myself that he's the one who is going to end up regretting losing me, because I'm not going to do things now that I think I will regret later, even if that means I have to be a little foolish now. And I also feel a little angry and hurt.

I used to like sciences a lot- but then I found out I wasn't that good at them. But I felt the need to try a couple more times, even though though was the very real possibility that I would fail those classes and my advisor thought I was stupid. I had to be able to do it on my own terms-- if I was going to fail than I wanted to be certain that I had done my best and not given up. I knew if I gave up too soon that I would regret it. So I took the classes and I failed and I took them again and still did not excell and after that I was able to walk away because I know I did everything I could I don't have to sit and think about "what if".

I have to live with myself and my decisions first and foremost, even if it can be hard to do that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2005
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 6:49pm

Well, that bit about the sciences is an insight. No offense, but I think that actually shows poor decision making skills that are driven by your stubborness. If you're in college and it comes time to choose classes and you already know that one area is far from your forte, you don't keep trying just to prove something to yourself - especially since you've already proven that you're not good at them. You permanently damaged your GPA - extremely important for grad school - just to prove something to yourself even after you were cautioned against it by someone familiar with your situation.

It's not so far off the mark then for people to assume that you'll make decisions that are detrimental to your academic and professional future by making decisions based on a guy. If you're going to go to grad school you owe it to yourself to apply to and attend the best school you can possibly get into, not the one that's closest to him. For all you know he'll go to med school in the next 2 years and I guarantee you he'll go to the best one he can get into because of the weight that your med school's name plays in your future residency prospects/earning potential. That could mean he'll pick up and take off for any place in the country and he'll have to put himself first. Just don't go making decisions that could affect your earning potential because of him. You'll regret it when/if things don't turn out as you expect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 8:48am

I think it's smart for you to worry about making decisions YOU can live with. Ultimately speaking, even when you do find someone to share your life, the only person you really have to answer to is yourself.

You are absolutely right, your life will always be YOUR life. Even when you choose to share YOUR life with someone else you are still responsible for and to yourself first and foremost. And he will have HIS life and the two of will have a life together too.

This is why I don't like unity candles. Just because I decide to share MY life with someone doesn't mean MY flame goes out or his flame goes out. Finding a partner is just that finding a PARTNER. It's about two people SHARING their lives with each other not turning into some sort of mutant with one brain our giving up yoour life for a shared one.

Having a partner may require some compromise and some creative thinking and solution finding, but it should EVER require one person sacraficing for another or giving up their life as an individual to make a life together.

So I say,"Hooray, for you." for being smart and trying to do whatever you think is best for you even if it's hard and even if other people think it's a mistake. It isn't their life and they don't have to live with the consequences or the emotional fall out of YOUR choice. Keep doing whatever you think is right for you, in the end you wont ever go wrong doing that, even if some choices don't turn out the way you'd like.

I have no regrets because I've always done what I thought was best for me. I think the people that have the most regrets are those who have listened to others instead of themselves and made choices purely to placate others.

Good luck.